I did hear her..finally. It really dawned on me yesterday when she said how much more it hurt her when after she went back to work things slid...and she felt like I didn't care for her anymore. She said it hurt so much because she KNEW it could be different and it HAD been for 5 or 6 months before. She felt like I really felt that way and was doing it on purpose.... I HEARD the words and SAW the hurt on her face and in her tears.
I will do my best to lean out. To give her her space to figure herself out. My brother keeps telling me if I love her, I need to let her go...so she can do that. It's just SO hard, I struggle with it SO much. I'm trying to boost my self esteem, GAL, etc.... It's just so hard...I love and miss her so much.
I get how you are feeling and thinking because I felt and thought the same things.
I thought if I could keep telling him I want him and I want to work on our marriage enough times, that this day would be the one when he would say, Ok, Ur, I feel the same way.
Until it didnt happen.
The thing of it is this. There are reasons why your w feels the way she does. Some of them are true, some not, but they are her feelings so they are valid to her.
When you keep on telling her the things you do, you are invalidating her feelings. You are telling her, I know the words you are saying, but they are wrong, because I want you and I want to work on the marriage. Doesnt matter what you want or what you feel, it only matters what I feel.
I get the hanging on for fear that they will move away if you dont. But picture someone holding onto your pants leg as you are trying to move away. You keep shaking your leg to get them off, but, they wont go. So you shake harder and move further away, all in trying to get them off.
When you db, you are saying, I hear you. I hear that you are saying you dont want to be married, you dont know how you feel, etc. I hear you. You dont have to agree with it, but, you do have to respect their feelings.
When you make changes it means you heard them. When you give them space. You heard them.
You also give them the opportunity to think. They arent hearing the noise of your words, because that is what it is to them at this point.
When they have time to think and they feel heard and they see changes, it gives the best opportunity for them to look towards you.
When you make the changes, it gives you the opportunity to become who you want to be. It gives you the chance to decide what it is you really want.
J, you are putting an enormous amount of pressure on the woman that you love by having her have to worry about how you are taking all this. Do you want to do that, really?
Or do you want her to possibly come to you because she has realized she wants you, not because of fear or worry or ultimatums, but because she has seen a man with dignity and courage and strength, who gave her the greatest gift he could, cherishing her enough to let her go.
I wanted to echo what UR said there -- it is very normal for the WAS to "try on" being nice to you or opening up to you from time to time. After that they will catch themselves and worry that you got the wrong impression and will come rushing in, so they shut down or be mean to you to make sure you know they are still gone.
I went to dinner with W and some friends at one point. She held my hand in the car on the way there and all through dinner. On the drive home, she pulled back, wouldn't make eye contact, slept on the couch and wouldn't talk to me all the next day. How's that for confusing?
It really threw me for a loop but my DB coach explained what was going on. These touch down and takeoff periods are completely normal. When they take off just let them go and pretend you didn't notice anything changed
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I meant to share this with you and ACC and everyone before and forgot. She started talking last Saturday and said a couple interesting things.
1) she said that if we went to therapy with the goal of reconciling and failed.... That I would blame her for not trying.
2) and this one hit home when I thought about it! She said, "When I do open up to you and talk, you argue with me. Not yelling, or not listening or saying anything mean, but if I say... I felt like you didn't care for me in this situation... You say "im sorry you feel that way BUT you know I do and here are 5 examples where I did care for you.
That second point really made me wake up. I could hear all of you guys in my head! I really thought I was doings good job of validating er feelings. I had no idea I was interjecting and thus saying her feelings were wrong. In hindsight, I was trying to "prove" my case..but I could see then how it must have made her feel and promised myself I needed to STFU and try to jysk listen. Not perfect yet, may never be, but I'm trying...
1) she said that if we went to therapy with the goal of reconciling and failed.... That I would blame her for not trying.
That ^^^- script. Most say it.
2) and this one hit home when I thought about it! She said, "When I do open up to you and talk, you argue with me. Not yelling, or not listening or saying anything mean, but if I say... I felt like you didn't care for me in this situation... You say "im sorry you feel that way BUT you know I do and here are 5 examples where I did care for you.
And yep, BUT ....... longest short word there is and the most invalidating.
I just need to STFU.
Um, good idea in almost all instances. Just sayin.
Not perfect yet, may never be, but I'm trying...
Nope, nobody is perfect, C, nobody.
You are growing, though, and that is very important.
Nice job on the talk......make sure next contact isn't until she reaches out to you
What are your plans for the weekend?
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Thanks for that post (again) UR. I finally feel like I'm letting my W go and opening the door as much as possible to give her space. It was nice to reread your post because it can be so hard. I wish I would have listened to everyone long ago telling me to do it.
Chris, Yes, totally "normal" WAS behavior so get used to it. I had days where I would get hot/cold/hot/cold in the same day. Just be and relax, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out and stressing over it.
UR pointed it out already, the dirtiest word in the DB vocabulary is but. It destroys everything said before it and it sets up either an excuse or an Invalidating statement. Try to eliminate that word from your vocabulary. Just hope some of the vets like Cat or Mach don't see you using it, I still have scratch marks from all the buts I used to say.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Just sayin