I get how you are feeling and thinking because I felt and thought the same things.
I thought if I could keep telling him I want him and I want to work on our marriage enough times, that this day would be the one when he would say, Ok, Ur, I feel the same way.
Until it didnt happen.
The thing of it is this. There are reasons why your w feels the way she does. Some of them are true, some not, but they are her feelings so they are valid to her.
When you keep on telling her the things you do, you are invalidating her feelings. You are telling her, I know the words you are saying, but they are wrong, because I want you and I want to work on the marriage. Doesnt matter what you want or what you feel, it only matters what I feel.
I get the hanging on for fear that they will move away if you dont. But picture someone holding onto your pants leg as you are trying to move away. You keep shaking your leg to get them off, but, they wont go. So you shake harder and move further away, all in trying to get them off.
When you db, you are saying, I hear you. I hear that you are saying you dont want to be married, you dont know how you feel, etc. I hear you. You dont have to agree with it, but, you do have to respect their feelings.
When you make changes it means you heard them. When you give them space. You heard them.
You also give them the opportunity to think. They arent hearing the noise of your words, because that is what it is to them at this point.
When they have time to think and they feel heard and they see changes, it gives the best opportunity for them to look towards you.
When you make the changes, it gives you the opportunity to become who you want to be. It gives you the chance to decide what it is you really want.
J, you are putting an enormous amount of pressure on the woman that you love by having her have to worry about how you are taking all this. Do you want to do that, really?
Or do you want her to possibly come to you because she has realized she wants you, not because of fear or worry or ultimatums, but because she has seen a man with dignity and courage and strength, who gave her the greatest gift he could, cherishing her enough to let her go.
