MLC step by step...what's next?

[~ kd ~]

One rule of thumb that sometimes works for the LBS is to praise / acknowledge / validate good behaviour and to ignore bad behaviour.

In this case, an OW and vacation w/ her could certainly be considered bad behaviour, so don't acknowledge it. Let it go.

[Lilith]

Thanks Raine and KD. I really appreciate it.

H arrived yesterday and dropped by at home to pick up his car (S was using his car while he was away). It was just a "Hello and Goodbye" not much. I didn't say or ask about his vacation.
This morning at the office: So surprised when H handed me a box of "Turkish Delight" sweets he brought from his vacation...and added that he bought also something for our S. I just smiled and thanked him for it.
He then added that he would like to invite me and S for a dinner on mother's day; this is then to celebrate mother's day of course plus my birthday and S's birthday (all in one) as our birthdays are only days apart. He said he would like to do this every year as it is already a tradition for us.
He asked me if it is OK for me...I didn't know what to answer (I was momentarily shocked as I didn't expect this from him anymore)so he said "you don't have to answer right now...think it over and let me know.
I'm sure S will invite me on mother's day with or without H.

He also asked me about this coming sunday's run that I and S was preparing to join. He congratulate me for this. (I wonder if he is going to come and cheer us :-)

This is all so strange asking/talking to me all these right after he was on vacation with OW.

What you do think??? Should I accept his invitation or not? Please advice...anyone???

[~ kd ~]

Did your H specifically indicate that he was wanting to take you out for mother's day? That's not clear as perhaps he wants to get everyone together because of S's b-day and your H is simply wanting it to happen on mother's day.

While that would be something to note, your H could simply be doing "the right thing" in honouring you as the mother of his son. Nothing more, nothing less and it has no bearing on whether your H loves you or not nor that he wants to reconnect with you.

Do what works FOR YOU. If you go, just be sure not to have any expectations around it. Enjoy yourself and just don't expect this one event to change your H's mind about his future.

If you don't think you could handle being with him, that you would be edgy or emotional, then decline. If you can manage it emotionally, it could be a good time.

[Lilith]

Thanks for your thoughts and advice KD!

While that would be something to note, your H could [u]simply be doing "the right thing" in honouring you as the mother of his son. Nothing more, nothing less[/u] and it has no bearing on whether your H loves you or not nor that he wants to reconnect with you.

That's exactly what I thought too!
H has been always friendly,polite and sensitive on these areas; and maybe to show example to our S, that inspite of our sitch we could still get along and be "friends"

If you go, just be sure not to have any expectations around it. Enjoy yourself and just don't expect this one event to change your H's mind about his future.

I am able to get over this stage already...I hold no expectations anymore or whatsoever from H

If you don't think you could handle being with him, that you would be edgy or emotional, then decline. If you can manage it emotionally, it could be a good time.

I guess I can handle it now, as we work together without emotional turmoil these past few months...and especially when S is around we become more friendly.
And I am actually thinking to go...but
The only thing that bothers me is that if I agree to go, it is not or I am not detaching...although he is the one inviting but its "more of the same" on my part as well. That's how I see it. Am I correct?

[~ kd ~]

Do what ever you need, to "get out of his head". We sometimes refer to "mind reading".

Right now (well always, really), what you need to focus on is... what is in YOUR head. It is up to you to not have expectations or put meaning to something that really has no meaning.

If HE puts meaning to something, that is HIS to deal with. IOW, if you go to the dinner and enjoy yourself, that is what you do. If he thinks that you are going because you are trying to save the M... or thinks you aren't detaching... well... that's "his problem".

Hope that makes sense. We can't control what others think or do, only what we think or do. We consider the consequences, but otherwise put no "meaning" into what we say or do or what the WAS / MLCer says or does.

That... is detaching...

[Lilith]

Thanks KD! What you said really makes sense!

I admit that this is really my problem..."mind reading" and putting/giving meaning to something what is said or done.

H once told me that I am (becoming)paranoid...that I think too much ahead, giving meaning to every actions and every word he says and done and it's nothing more than a paranoid fantasy of mine.

[~ kd ~]

Be careful not to accept the term "paranoid". Unless of course, you ARE paranoid. You are simply "reading" subtle cues that might flesh out an overall experience, yet in and of themselves, have no real meaning.

Detaching will help you dull out those deeper experiences so that you can be more objective about things (for now).

[Lilith]

Thanks KD!
No, I don't accept being paranoid 'coz I am not!
I almost convince myself then that I was becoming paranoid but I realized that most of my suspicions appears to be true.

Today, I have been thinking about H's dinner invitation for mother's day, my b-day, S's b-day (all in one celebration)because until now he did not bother to ask me anymore nor follow up about it. I wanted to call him about it
but my pride says No 'coz I will appear to be the one who is very interested in it. If I don't call,then he might just drop or presume that I am declining his invitation...I don't know!!! I will wait until tomorrow and we'll see...
But the truth is...I miss having dinner together and talking with H...I hope he will call! :-(

[~ kd ~]

Do not ask your H about the celebration event. Be prepared if he does, yet also have alternative plans if he does not, even if it might feel bad that he does not.

Take care of yourself this weekend, regardless. And also, do something special with S even if it is other than the celebration.

Have a great weekend!

[Lilith]

Thanks KD! I appreciate your advices.

Hi Everyone!
Happy Mother's Day to all mother's out there!

Today, I had a breakfast in bed; S21 made a lovely breakfast for me...Eggs and bacon,fresh from the baker croisants, yoghurt and freshly squeezed orange juice and a cup of Tea...(only I missed the flowers that usually comes with it from H.) But it was very sweet! I love my S very much!
While I was busy preparing lunch, H arrived to my total surprise. I haven't seen or heard from him since Wednesday. So, I was so delighted to see him dropping by on mother's day and brought me flowers. I thanked him for it. He was nice and upbeat, talking with S21 while I was busy cooking. I asked him if he would like to join us for lunch as S and I are about eat. He said "yes, why not!" So we had lunch together. It was a quick one though 'coz we (S21 and I) were going to join the City run. I asked him if he is going to cheer S21 and he said NO!
I guess that was too much to ask...my mistake!!!