Update: Made it home when I walked in the door H was doing laundry. He asked me about a few shirts of the girls & if they could be washed with the load he was about to start. WTF? This is the man that would not speak one word to me earlier. He then asked me if I was gong to take a shower now or later. I answered him & got in the shower.
So, I'm going to lay down & watch some tv. I haven't done that in quite some time. I'm actually looking forward to it.
I will not say a word to him or initiate any type of attempt to discuss any of this. The ball is in his court. Lets see what he does?
Oh…and as far as setting the boundary with the phone calls, if it happens again I will remind him on how I feel about it & ask him to stop. I will tell him that it's not acceptable & if he wants to continue to do it it is a dealbreaker.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
In it...please listen to uRworthy and knittedscarff.
I am sitting here heart broken for you, but know you can move forward on your own with your own strength, and support of others here.
Stay strong. Your kids need YOU. YOU need YOU. If he cant be part of the equation, its something you can not control. Break that away from you, I know its hard...if you read my thread I am struggling as well. But tomorrow is another day.
Get to the gym and work out the stress.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
I also realize that all my rant did with him on the back porch & on the phone was let them vent & talk & bond more in the moment when he called her back. I won't be doing that again.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
I asked URWorthy to post because I thought you needed a gentle voice guiding you, that I, often, do not have.
I agree with everything she has said and I am sure that I will repeat a lot of it...
It is time to begin to get yourself together. Get a plan. You are way too worried about the what if's that you can't see past them...
The truth...
Your H may not be able to get a D while you are pregnant, but he can still leave. He can still leave to either be with the OW or be by himself. So that doesn't really matter much.
I don't believe that your R is really better when they have long separations, I think that you are simply calmer and that makes for better interactions.
There is no winner or loser in this situation. You don't win just because he stays and you don't lose if he leaves. Because you don't know what the reality of either of those situations looks like. Right now, it is all supposition.
They may have a wonderful relationship or a horrible one. You and he may have a wonderful relationship or a horrible one.
He may be a wonderful father to all of the children or not.
You may be happier on your own or you may not.
There is no crystal ball. No way of knowing until things acutally happen.
What is real right now?
You have a baby on the way and two daughters that you are raising.
You have a H that is checked out on many levels and there is NOTHING that you can do to change that, it is something that HE has to change.
Telling OW anything, now or later, will make no difference. She needs to figure things out on her own. Trust me, been there, done that. And the reality is, I was trying to scare her away by painting a picture of what my X was. Which eventually made me wonder why I wanted to be with him if he was that way. It was not done with any good intentions toward anyone, even myself. It was a way for me to cause the same type of pain I was experiencing. Which was me acting like the type of person I didn't want to be. Sure it made me feel good in the short term, but did NOTHING for my long term emotional healing.
What are you doing for you?
What were your H's complaints about you, his reasons for wanting to leave?
Are those things valid? Are there things that you can or want to change about you and how you interact with him?
Have you read DB?
Because you aren't implementing DB principals. What I see right now is you trying to power through this. Thinking that your strength and patience will make things get better while not acting at all.
What are your 180's? What are you doing to GAL? What is your PLAN?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
H's complaints: Not romantic enough (I now know his LL is touch), before I would be showing what I thought was love by other ways & he did not see it. That's pretty much all he has told me. He has also told me that he has never really dealt with his past. His parents are divorced & he didn't really have a very good child/family life. His brother lived with his mom & he lived with his dad who wasn't very responsible. He spent most of his time with friends & his grandparents.
It's difficult for me to show touch right now for obvious reasons. I can do better with interacting with him, for sure. I do really well for the most part & have became pretty good at validating.
Yep, read DB. Twice all the way through. I know I've been doing horrible. I have without a doubt been trying to power through with strength & patience alone. I need to get it in gear.
My only GAL over the last couple of weeks has been running. I am going to meet some girlfriends next week one night. I am going to do some yard work this weekend & get a pedi. It's been years since I've done that. I'm also going to spend even more time with my girls. They instantly bring my mood up & in need more of that.
180s…1) make more decisions on my own for me & the girls. (Quit worrying what H might want for dinner, etc & just do what I want) H has actually mentioned my decision making in the past. I need to make more decisions & show confidence in them. 2) quit saying I love you. 3) stay strong with acting 'as if'. 4) continue my patience. I do really well for a while & then something will set me off & I go into freakout mode. 5) stay consistent. I've been all over the place this past week & I know H has noticed. 6) less texting. I don't always initiate the convo, but I do try to keep it going far too long.
My plan right now is to get my sanity back, remain calm, & follow through with my actions. I think I'll bust out DB again over the weekend & reread some of the sections. More than anything, I'm going to get out of this pity party and get back to maintaining a PMA.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Cat &/or uRworthy or anybody else for that matter-- My biggest struggle, besides trying to keep OW out of my mind, is wanting to keep in constant contact with H throughout the day.
I've done well with not initiating contact, but it's hard. Any suggestions or tips on how to get my mind away from this? I don't want to talk about us or our sitch, I just want to communicate nonstop. I don't know how to distant myself from these feelings.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Do you want to make your sitch worse? Yes = go ahead and contact him. No = find another outlet for your energy. Find on that occupies your mind completely. Meditation has worked for some. Start learning a new language. Go for a walk. For some, thought-blocking techniques work such as visualizing a big red stop sign when your mind starts going there.
For me, just the knowledge that it was going to do harm and not good was enough. I'm a practical person!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Cat &/or uRworthy or anybody else for that matter-- My biggest struggle, besides trying to keep OW out of my mind, is wanting to keep in constant contact with H throughout the day.
I've done well with not initiating contact, but it's hard. Any suggestions or tips on how to get my mind away from this? I don't want to talk about us or our sitch, I just want to communicate nonstop. I don't know how to distant myself from these feelings.
Guess what? I have the same problem!
Where did you get yours??
I think I found mine at the K-Mart on sale. It was either get the "needy, I can't live without my spouse" or "Self Esteem" and since the needy was on sale and right by the entrance I got it! What a deal...NOT!
I suggest venting on here, GAL (I find this hard to do for some dumb reason, yet when I do it, it really does help), Get out of the house and go for a walk, go exercise.
I still deal with wanting to text or know what my W is up to every single day, but it is getting easier and less frequent.
Keep coming here and talking it out, listen to the advice and then act on that advice (this is where I need to improve)
You can do this, it is hard, yet it will get better.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Trust me...I think all of us LBS' on here are, or have been where you are at. Stop and think about the DB steps and what you need to do.
I was so manic last night about my W, that I almost drove to where she was. I stopped myself a block from the house and came home. I did a load of laundry, and then signed onto WoW for a bit to get my mind off of it.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
