I think I need to take the tact of the advice you all have been trying to hammer into my head for weeks! I keep going back to the jujitsu.... Be nice, no pressure, agree with her and use that...
You stand the best chance by not trying to reconcile. The more you can keep your mind off W and limit your contact the better, because you will give her space.
This is very important to really believe. The success stories almost always come from people that got to the point of not trying to R and instead were working on only themselves. No matter what happens with M it's still a success because you'll be in such a better spot personally.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
So, W and I had our talk yesterday. Was strange, wasn't the formal planned one for the evening, as she was sick and needed some things. So I dropped them off to her.
I told her I wasn't going to stay, had some errands to run and hoped she felt better. She then looked at me and said "I'm sorry I've hurt you so so badly" M: I know you are. I'm sorry you're so hurt as well. W: I'm so so sorry. I end up staying... W then ends up telling me how when she was sick, that she felt things were so so positive between us. That our outlook was positive, and I was being the husband she always wanted. I was connected with her, and we didn't argue or fight much, and when we did, I didn't say anything hurtful to her. Then she said when she went back to work, the old routine feel back in place. She feels (we agree to disagree on this, but I didnt argue yesterday, I listened and tried to validate) she had to do the vast majority in our lives, around the house, with D, etc again. She said this became physically tiring. Then she said that when we would argue, even though though it was decreased, when I would say something hurtful to her like to stop, go away, or swear - eff off, it hurt her even more. She explained it hurt her even more because she had seen for 6 months prior that we could be so different and happy together. That Chris didn't exist. She said she felt like as soon as she was better, that I didn't care for her anymore and feel back into old habits. I validated and quite honestly can now understand why and how she is so hurt. I acknowledged that and asked her how conflicting that must have felt to her.
She then explained that she doesn't know who she is or what she wants in life anymore. That she wished she could say "Give me six months and then we will go to counselling and work on us." But she said she can not commit to that because she doesn't know who she will be or what she will want in six months. I said I understood and am starting to feel similar but less strong feelings. She explained that she didn't want us to go start counseling with the intent/goal to reconcile, because what would happen if we started going and six months in one or both of us decided we didn't want the marriage again? She said we would both be heart broken all over again. She stated again that she is open to anything happening down the road and that she want to go to counseling at some point, but also has to figure herself out. I told her I understood what she was saying and, I felt she should take all the time she wants or needs to work on herself and I feel time will help both of us lend perspective. I reiterated that I support her and would help her anyway I can.
She also told me how confused at times she is and how sad. She said "I wake up pretty much every morning, and cry, and think about how much I miss our life, you, and how easy and how nice it would be to go home" She then said "But, if we did that now, we would be in the same place in six months" I just listened and told her I was so sorry she feels pain like this.
Those were the main points. She stated how she feels she can not commit to anything right now, that she takes her life day by day, week by week and she can only see to June right now.
Thoughts on this? Thoughts on where to go? I know I now need to give her more time and space. But, should I go completely 'as if' or try to still let her know I support her too? I guess she knows that really, she knows how I feel.
Chris, It sure sounds like she is saying she needs time, just like my W.
I do think that it is best to focus on ourselves.
Have minimal interaction with our W (This for me is soooo hard).
The more time we give, the more space we give, the more we work on us the better we become and that also gives us the best chance to start over with our W.
It sounds like you did great.
Time to keep moving forward!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
First off it sounds like you did good in this conversation by validating and not defending.
I have to ask though...
Does it feel like you're going round and round and ending up back in the same place? Seems very similar to previous conversation you guys had. Some things I think she's even said before.
She is VERY confused right now and no matter how much you want to be there for her you have to give her space to figure this out on her own.
She also said she can't commit to anything which she also previously said. I get the feeling she's feeling pressured for whatever reason. Pressure on a WAS is not a good thing. This is why we're asking you to lean out and give her space.
No new advice here Chris, you know what to do...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Chris, good job! If there was one thing I would change, it would be to not comment on how you feel or what you want at all, just leave yourself 100% out of it.
It must have been *very tempting* to point out that you would only land in the same place 6 months from now if both of you did not work on changing your dynamics, but she can't hear that from you, she has to realize it, so good for you for not saying a thing along those lines!
There are very obvious things we can point out to the WAS, but it is SO IMPORTANT not to, and you did a great job of that, so pat yourself on the back!
Here's what I would do -- next time you see her (not by special appointment, just when you happen to have an opportunity), read back to her what she said to show that you understand it. Don't edit or editorialize, just read it back. "Hey W, I was thinking about what you said the other day and I want to make sure I understood it. You said ..." Clarify anything you're not sure you got, but 100% about her, and 0% about you. Then, disappear! Give her space and time and do nothing else to engage her on these points.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
JP - thanks for following.... Appreciate the support and feel we're fairly similar in sitch and what we trying to overcome. Thoughts and prayers with you...and keep in touch.
Spartan - yup, very eerily like earlier conversations weve had. Big exception is she kind of opened up more about specifics of how she felt let down...I omitted some of the minut detail. I think you're right she still feels pressure from me. I need to lean out, and let her walk her own path.
ACC - Yup, it was very tempting to point that out, but, I bit my tongue. Thanks for the support...I'm trying my best. Interesting thing about your last point of mirroring back to her what I heard. She was just here dropping off D for the weekend. We had that conversation, she corrected me on one thing (used the wrong word, so wrong meaning type thing) and nodded her head, etc.... However, I have a question for you guys. She seemed to have her WAS strength back today. Very stone faced, very little said...certainly no opening up! This also shakes me on the inside...I think maybe she's moved on...etc... Need reassurance this is normal WAS behavior....
I think your w said very clearly how she felt. You heard it, right?
And I think that she feels at this time that though you have made changes, she is not anywhere near feeling that they are permanent yet and does not want to take the chance that they arent.
I feel that she wants you to really hear her and how hurt she is. I think you let her know that you did.
So, there really isnt anything else to say to her at this point.
What she needs now is to figure herself out.
I wrote something on JP's thread about them being able to feel heard. You might want to check it out.
Chris, she is very confused and conflicted and since she was vunerable with you, she now feels that she has to back off so as not to give you the wrong impression.
Doesnt mean she will always feel this way. Just how she feels now.
Best for you to honor her words about figuring herself out and then do the same for yourself.
it's taken awhile for me to have her talk to me...and I've made plenty (and still do/am!) of mistakes... But the vets and everyone have helped greatly! This is the hardest thing you'll ever go through.. And it's completely opposite of your heart and feelings...keep in touch... I'm following your sitch..in my thoughts and prayers.
