I really stepped on it, and am asking for help

[dbmod]

^

[SFC_Swede]

Thanks for the bump dbmod

[Positivespin]

Your going to be ok:)

Welcome to the world of "I'm off moderation"

Take the focus off her and move it on you. You will need something to control -and it won't be her

Stop snooping

You are not a mind reader

If you've read sandis 37rules 50 times already -do it again

If she tells you that she is having a pa -is that a deal breaker for you?

What are some measureable short term goals you can work on and achieve over the next 7days?

[SFC_Swede]

AWH Jeesus! This gut thing is killing me! Here I sit at 10pm...and no W. This is excruciating. I am so glad I didnt head over to the physical therapy center to check, but at the same time...

[SFC_Swede]

Whoo Hoo..welcome to my thread PS.

Is a PA a deal breaker? I would have to say yes. My 1W cheated on me repeatedly. 2W cheated on me less than 3 yrs into the M. After all this time and effort...if she is doing it again, I am D.O.N.E.

She wont need to file D, I will...and then scrap together enough cash as I can and head south with all my dive equipment.

That is my stance today. It will be my stance tomorrow. Especially if I have to find out the hard way.

[SFC_Swede]

Well, crisis adverted. I managed well despite winding myself up like a top. W came hoe after 10 from OT, and I acted as if it werent a big deal.

Why do I get myself so wound up?

Just going to go to bed, get up and go to the gym...tomorrow is another day.

Thanks all

[SFC_Swede]

Had a conversation with W this morning. I tried to use the things I have learned here and in DR. I listened to her, and validated her as much as possible. Kept eye contact, and while not looking sad or depressed, kept a poker face.

The convo was more or less a round up of what lead her to BD. Instead of getting defensive...I just validated and listened. She then moved on to D talk. That was tougher. She asked me flat out if I would sign the D papers, or did she need to get a L. I sat down, looked her straight in the eye, held her hand, and told her unemotionally that if that was her final decision that I would sign the papers, and that she didnt need to retain a L unless she felt she needed to.

Now heres where I backslid. I told her that I acknowledged the damage and pain I have caused her. I apologized sincerely for the steps that I took to get her to this point. I asked if she was going to press forward with the filing immediately, and asked for time (yeah I know, WRONG). I then clarified by saying while I will sign the papers if asked, it doesnt mean I have given up on the R.

Thoughts?

[Verum]

Swede,

I don't think I would have agreed to sign papers because you don't know what they will say. Also, what is the D procedure in your state? My opinion, is that if you don't want a D, then don't make it easy. Not that you should actively try to stop it, just don't do anything to facilitate it.

Anyway, I think in your sitch and based on what you wrote in my sitch, that two things are going on. First, your W clearly has reasons based on your behavior, which you can change. You should do 180's on some of the things that clearly hurt the relationship. You should also follow Sandi's 37 rules. Second, the excessive exercising you mentioned in the post on my sitch is one sign of a mid-life crisis (MLC). If your W is MLC, then everybody says it can take a long time. Something to be aware of.

Good luck.

[SFC_Swede]

Thanks SA! PA is a no fault State...so we can file a no contest divorce without the L's involved. Too be honest, she is cold hearted, but fair. Her first H treated her like absolute garbage. He belittled her, beat her, ect. And after it was all over...he got a pretty sweet deal in the D. She didnt kill him on the CS, and eventually dropped the case completely. I think he was paying like $100 a month anyway, so it was no skin off our backs (I wish me 1W treated me like that, that vulture [censored] me dry every promotion).

So I am not too worried about what is in the D papers. Technically, our S is hers and the XH. I have no claim to him because as evil and crappy as he was, he wouldnt let me adopt our S. She ha already stated that if I wanted to stay in his life I could. Finances? If you read my entire manifesto, you would know I am disabled, unemployed (full time), and have little cash coming in. She has been my sugar momma since the Army put me out to pasture. Assets? I cant afford or even want the house. The truck is hers, and I am sure I will get my Jeep. Other household goods will be divided as necessary, but I dont see me leaving with much.

I thought by validating and agreeing with her on the D was art of the process? Am I wrong on that????

Oh! Another revelation. So I told you she is still ILYBNILWY, and totally detached. I cant even hug her without her wincing. Then the D talk earlier. Well, I just found out she just came into $11K lump sum from work. I am not sure what will happen after our talk...but it wouldnt surprise me if she offers me a buy out.

[SFC_Swede]

Is she in a MLC? Who knows, maybe. She was always a home body when her S was little and didnt leave him often. Now that he is 16...she has been going out more often with friends. Its possible she is now tasting the "single life" she missed out on for 16 years.

As for me...the drinking hasnt been an issue for 6 years. I am cold sober. Now the chewing tobacco is the new R killer according to her. I want to quit. I am trying. Been without it for 3 weeks, but chewing nicotine gum like a race horse. nicotine is one evil drug. I thought quitting drinking was bad...HA! But I am trying, and even reached out to a hypnotherapist to see if that can work.