Mr 2.4, Thank you for the compliment. Some days I don't feel strong at all. All I want to do some days is hide under my covers. So now I know a broken heart takes a long time to heal.
Snodderly, July sounds do-able. At first, I thought, July! And then realized that is less than two months away. Incidentally, the end of July will mark one year from BD. But I am glad I asked. MLCers are not the only ones with a screwy sense of time and I needed the "baking time" so that I am not watching the pot boil.
In the last week or so, although I have thought of him, I really am not sure that I want to talk to him and that makes it easier not to contact him myself. I believed at the beginning of this that our bond (however untraditional) was so strong that surely we would survive this. All of us here probably thought the same thing. I no longer believe that. I have realized that it is easier to "act as if" we are not going to see each other again because now I am beginning to believe it.
This is not all bad, though! Lots of plans, places to see and things to do. All things that I would want to have accomplished before speaking to him again, anyway.
I agree with snodderly about the time. Yesterday when H came to the house, he made a comment about something I wanted to do about 2 months ago and already have it done. To him it was “fast”, not so much for me. It felt like a lot of time has passed since 2 months ago. This is how our time perception is very different right now.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
MizJ, I can't wait to see that answer myself. By July, will I even want to open myself up to that again.
Of course, that assumes he does not contact me which will speak volumes.
In Cadet's welcome post, he says that time is a gift, and to use it wisely. So I am trying to get the biggest bang for my buck. Life will never be the same for me ever again after the last nine months. We have cleaned, packed and sold my parent's house. The whole thing feels surreal and makes the loss seem fresh again. The last few months, I have learned many lessons.
The truth is now, I cannot wait for recess! This silence from him feels a bit like recess. I am trying not to think negatively but I cannot help but think that things are progressing with his GF. After all, she just divorced and here, ready made is a substitute. If that is the case, so be it. I do not want to hear it right now from him so right now I am having no urge to contact him. None at all.
Have a wonderful weekend everyone - the little things do count!
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but have kept up reading where you are. It is so good to hear you are in such a good place and have a firm place in your patience. Keep doing you!!!!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Portia, you sound a lot better recently. I think you need to take snodderly’s advice and wait until July. It looks like your xSO and his GF are both in rebound relationship with each other. This normally doesn’t last. And then the kids… Just wait, all kinds of issues will come out when dealing with the step kids. I’m talking from my own experience. My son was 8 when I married my current H. There were all kinds of issues with parenting, but my H was committed to the marriage at that time and he was not confused like your xSO is now.
Hang in there, girl. (((((hugs)))))
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Recess!! Sounds like sooo much fun. I was thinking along the lines of needing a "time out" the other day, but "recess" sounds much much better. (Its the MLCers that need time outs, in the corner with funny hats on!)
I wanted to touch on something I have seen in a few posts from you. It seems you wonder if you had been more "traditional" in your R if things would have gone the way they did. I guess we all wonder if we had done X instead of Y, would we still be at the same place.
But, I wonder if your SO would have been interested in you all those years ago if you had presented a "traditional" R/lifestyle to him. It seems that you, and he, offered the other what was wanted when you met, and probably continued to do so for many many years thereafter.
And, its not like SO came to you and said "I've had a change of heart. I now think thus and such." So that you would have had the opportunity to respond and choose to alter your life course - or not. This would have shown signs of someone who had been soul searching, what your SO did shows more "fantasy" searching.
I just don't like to see you beating yourself up for simply being who you are. You strike me as an honest and forthright person, just because you check different boxes on the R checklist doesn't make you "less". Less worthy of love or of respect.
I hear you about the parents.... Mine are both gone. Dad almost 20 years ago, Mom 7. I felt so ... adrift... after Mom died. Being "orphaned", at any age, changes a person. I think in some ways, it is the last step in becoming "grown up".
Have fun at recess Portia! You'll find me at the top of the monkey bars (hanging upside down if I remembered to wear shorts under my dress)
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Personally, I'm a believer in the power of one way contact. After a long enough period of NC, and once I got antsy enough, I'd send a simple, friendly email or text like "Hi, I hope things are going well for you".
No question(s), no big R statements, no pressure for them to even reply. Then just wait and see what happens. This cracks the door just a bit, and could offer some insight as to where they are.
I do believe there is a time for NC, and maybe that time is now for you.
The thing about no contact at all though, is that to me it could smack of "teaching them a lesson", which of course is not the signal we want to send.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks for dropping by, B. I have been keeping up with you, too!
Bright, nice to hear from you, too.
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
It looks like your xSO and his GF are both in rebound relationship with each other. This normally doesn't last. And then the kids; Just wait, all kinds of issues will come out when dealing with the step kids. I'm talking from my own experience. My son was 8 when I married my current H. There were all kinds of issues with parenting, but my H was committed to the marriage at that time and he was not confused like your xSO is now.
I think you are very right out all of this: rebound and step kids - very young step kids. My xSO wants instant family and the GF was barely separated before they starting seeing each other which leads me to believe that she is needy as well. Whether or not that will make any difference to me, IDK. But thank you so much for saying that!
Hey MizJ! I feel like we're all upside down on the Monkey Bars these days!
Originally Posted By: mizjjd
I wanted to touch on something I have seen in a few posts from you. It seems you wonder if you had been more "traditional" in your R if things would have gone the way they did. I guess we all wonder if we had done X instead of Y, would we still be at the same place.
But, I wonder if your SO would have been interested in you all those years ago if you had presented a "traditional" R/lifestyle to him. It seems that you, and he, offered the other what was wanted when you met, and probably continued to do so for many many years thereafter.
And, its not like SO came to you and said "I've had a change of heart. I now think thus and such." So that you would have had the opportunity to respond and choose to alter your life course - or not. This would have shown signs of someone who had been soul searching, what your SO did shows more "fantasy" searching.
MizJ, you busted me here. To be fair, I was the one who preferred the "non-traditional" but I think you are absolutely right, aside from some jokes and casual remarks, made way too late for us to have made any decisions together, he never truly communicated to me that his feelings were changing, that if I was not or could not change to meet his changing needs, then he would have to move on. If he did/does now want this white picket fence life, I cannot follow. And I still would have been heartbroken but at least not left feeling as if he cut out my heart and ate it for dinner.
He never gave me a fighting chance. He detached, met other women and finally found one as needy as he is. Does not want me at all. I have seen on several threads comments like the MLCer returns to family, to roots and to those ties. I feel like without those things, there is nothing to act as a pull back.
Thank you for your caring words. I will save you the swing next to mine.
Personally, I'm a believer in the power of one way contact. After a long enough period of NC, and once I got antsy enough, I'd send a simple, friendly email or text like "Hi, I hope things are going well for you".
No question(s), no big R statements, no pressure for them to even reply. Then just wait and see what happens. This cracks the door just a bit, and could offer some insight as to where they are.
I do believe there is a time for NC, and maybe that time is now for you.
The thing about no contact at all though, is that to me it could smack of "teaching them a lesson", which of course is not the signal we want to send.
Do you disagree with the others, then that I should wait until July? I have not followed your whole thread but I noticed from your signature that you both still live in the same house? Was there a OM involved? I am jut wondering how you think those factors may have affected your actions. Obviously living in the same house indicates a door being somewhat open. My xSO is far away and we have not had contact in about six weeks.
I really am interested in others' perspective.
The real truth is that the NC is for me right now. I am exhausted and burnt from touching the hot stove. I am more frightened of what I may hear from him if I do contact him. Until that fear subsides, I do not want to risk any more of my mental health. I probably should not think negatively, but while we were in contact, he kept talking of moving. I know his MLC pattern well enough to suspect he is thinking of moving in with GF. I just do not want to know.
You are taking this time to do some soul searching and I'm glad it seems to bring you a sense of peace.
I just don't like to see you beating yourself up for simply being who you are. You strike me as an honest and forthright person, just because you check different boxes on the R checklist doesn't make you "less". Less worthy of love or of respect.