Well, Shiny---If you ever DO see XOW's phone number show up trying to call CJ's cell...send me the phone number. I'll call her up and scare the living crap out of her for ya! Buwhahahahah!
Quote: Ah..thanks for mentioning the "rewiring" thing in your post, Pam (and thanks for being good natured about my reference to you lol?).
I think this re-wiring idea is completely valid. YES traumas the like of which cause PTSD DO affect brain function and structure. (more so with repeated traumas...apparently what doesn't kill us does not necessarily make us stronger... )
BUT there ARE ways to rewire the brain...the self talk, self soothing, distraction, MEDITATION...as I've mentioned before brain scans show an actual shift from the anxious right hemiphere to the Left "feel good" frontal areas when one meditates...and the more one does it the more lasting the changes!
It CAN be done!
Shiny
Hey, I KNOW I have pulled some dumb stunts!
Well, I have had a good feeling all week, I figured the Zoloft was building up, but I have been meditating real regular and it actually builds so much pressure in the left side sometimes it almost hurts and I feel almost like I go into a trance or something. It is pretty strange. But if it helps this feel good feeling Yippee!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Ok, Shiny, resident dream interpreter, I've got one for you. It was definately not a prophetic dream--more one of silly symbolism that I can't figure out.
I dreamed that Wolfie and I were driving around (in a place we both used to live at in real-life). He had just returned from being somewhere and we hadn't seen each other for awhile. We decided to go home--we were living in an apartment overlooking the water.
As we hadn't seen each other for awhile--we started getting busy right away--were having right there in the living room. I gotta say...it was pretty hot, too . All of the sudden I hear people talking and noises around us. I realize there is a crew of people filming us!!!!! Wolfie tells me that it's part of a birthday surprise for me to make this little porn movie... so I said--give me that tape...I don't want to see this floating around the internet!!!
Then it gets even weirder...we get dressed and my whole family shows up for this surprise birthday party. Wolfie and I are in our bathrobes at this point..and the film crew is packing up. My parents start going on about wasn't that a cool surprise that Wolfie came up with to have that birthday porn movie made!!! My mom is going on about what a sweet and thoughtful thing that is...and I am thinking... OMG, I can't believe MY PARENTS KNOW ABOUT THAT AND THINK IT'S SO COOL AND ARE TALKING ABOUT IT LIKE THAT!!!
So we all walk outside and look up into our apartment. Everyone is admiring the Christmas lights I have hung up in the windows of our apartment (in real life, my birthday is in October, not December).
We are about to go back up into the apartment, but at the bottom of the stairs, I find our kitten (in real life, we don't have one). The kitten has been hit by a car or something, but is still alive and suffering. I know I'm going to have to have it put to sleep...but everyone else wants to go out to dinner and I started getting mad at all of them for being insensitive about the poor, hurt kitten. End of dream.
Are you ROFLYAO yet???? I have had some weird dreams, but this was by far the most bizarre! I woke up and told Wolfie about how he was the porn star of my dreams...lol!
Hi Tal. I haven't been able to write on the boards very much lately for many reasons, one being that I am just plain exhausted from going through everything my W did to betray me. I cannot help but feel that this crap will never go away. I hope it will, for all of our sakes, but the pain runs deep and forgiveness is difficult.
Don't bash yourself if you feel anxious about all that has happened. This stuff is a big deal and can be crushing at times. I try to remember that this is part of the process, and (as someone mentioned before) it isn't linear. You must keep the meds flowing at a consistant rate. I'm not berating you for falling behind and missing doses, but in my case if I miss a dose the lows go even lower. If you miss a dose or two and your PMA is in the toilet, at least remind yourself that it is mostly due to the meds and the feelings at the moment will not last much longer. That helps me a great deal.
You mentioned earlier, on page 6, that you forgave but cannot forget and that trust is a big hurdle for you now. You wrote you knew you could go it alone but trusting the next person would be hard. I have yet to forgive and would love to know how to do it. I have wondered how it would be in my next relationship; how could I trust again as much as I once did. Then it hit me, I cannot think like that nor can I think that far ahead. This isn't about how things will be "next time." It is not about replacing this M with another and then trying to make it better than what I once had.
It is about becoming comfortable with who I am and learning to draw on my experiences to solidify my inner strength. I can do that in the M I am in and if it works out, great. If not, I can end the M without wondering or caring what the nex relationship will be like. I will have peace because I will know I am the best I can be at the moment.
Easier said than done, for sure, but if I can do it then perhaps the forgiveness will come more easily for me.
I think you are strong and are doing just fine. The lows will come back every now and then, but as Shiny once told me, they become fewer and fewer. Hang in there and I will too.
Remember as always to use what I have to say as a springboard for any associations, connections or "aha!" feelings...ignore what seems out of it...
Quote: I dreamed that Wolfie and I were driving around (in a place we both used to live at in real-life). He had just returned from being somewhere and we hadn't seen each other for awhile. We decided to go home--we were living in an apartment overlooking the water.
Okay, Tal, what associations can you make to this place you "used to live at"? The real place...was it where you lived pre A...when things were better between you? Worse?
My hunch is that this place might just be representing the "Place your M used to be at"...or at least the feelings of wholeness, connection, newness, discovery....
Again YOU are the one who must make the connections...
Interesting that Wolfie "has just come back" from "elsewhere"...Um...hasn't he figuratively and literally just done that in real life??
And here "Home" is an apartment overlooking the water...water is a symbol of LIFE itself.
Any recollections as to the state of the water? Calm, pleasant, roiling, threatening...feelings associated?
Quote: As we hadn't seen each other for awhile--we started getting busy right away--were having right there in the living room. I gotta say...it was pretty hot, too . All of the sudden I hear people talking and noises around us. I realize there is a crew of people filming us!!!!! Wolfie tells me that it's part of a birthday surprise for me to make this little porn movie... so I said--give me that tape...I don't want to see this floating around the internet!!!
Sounds like a renewal of passion to me...
Now about the film crew...I know it seems screwy but its NOT!!!
What is a film crew but a tangible symbol of making your connection VISIBLE to everyone...PROOF that you are "connected"...
Your first inclination is to snafu the tape...you don't want it broadcast on the internet (a link to internet aspects of the A...things you've discovered on line?...or just a symbol of "going public".
Quote: Then it gets even weirder...we get dressed and my whole family shows up for this surprise birthday party. Wolfie and I are in our bathrobes at this point..and the film crew is packing up. My parents start going on about wasn't that a cool surprise that Wolfie came up with to have that birthday porn movie made!!! My mom is going on about what a sweet and thoughtful thing that is...and I am thinking... OMG, I can't believe MY PARENTS KNOW ABOUT THAT AND THINK IT'S SO COOL AND ARE TALKING ABOUT IT LIKE THAT!!!
You're still in bathrobes (nudity, if not accompanied by embarassment indicates having nothing to hide!!!), and the whole family is BEHIND this "porno"...a symbol for Wolfie being more "open and concrete" about his committment to you??? (getting it on tape)
Everyone admiring the Christmas lights...same feeling...approval for the R.
Quote: We are about to go back up into the apartment, but at the bottom of the stairs, I find our kitten (in real life, we don't have one). The kitten has been hit by a car or something, but is still alive and suffering. I know I'm going to have to have it put to sleep...but everyone else wants to go out to dinner and I started getting mad at all of them for being insensitive about the poor, hurt kitten. End of dream.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this part...although it's the most poignant.
Honey, I think this wounded kitten is YOU, or part of you that HAS been "run over by a car"...that is still injured.
Interesting that no one else seems too concerned about it...and YOU are outraged at their insensitivity.
So.....a dream with many messages...
Getting "back" to better times, Wolfie making public and official his committment and passion for you, family support...full steam ahead!!!
Except for the part(s) that are still wounded...Do they need more attention, concern and healing from those around you? Or are you telling yourself it's time to "put that hurt to sleep?"
lol?).
)
right there in the living room. I gotta say...it was pretty hot, too 
