Hi Tal. I haven't been able to write on the boards very much lately for many reasons, one being that I am just plain exhausted from going through everything my W did to betray me. I cannot help but feel that this crap will never go away. I hope it will, for all of our sakes, but the pain runs deep and forgiveness is difficult.
Don't bash yourself if you feel anxious about all that has happened. This stuff is a big deal and can be crushing at times. I try to remember that this is part of the process, and (as someone mentioned before) it isn't linear. You must keep the meds flowing at a consistant rate. I'm not berating you for falling behind and missing doses, but in my case if I miss a dose the lows go even lower. If you miss a dose or two and your PMA is in the toilet, at least remind yourself that it is mostly due to the meds and the feelings at the moment will not last much longer. That helps me a great deal.
You mentioned earlier, on page 6, that you forgave but cannot forget and that trust is a big hurdle for you now. You wrote you knew you could go it alone but trusting the next person would be hard. I have yet to forgive and would love to know how to do it. I have wondered how it would be in my next relationship; how could I trust again as much as I once did. Then it hit me, I cannot think like that nor can I think that far ahead. This isn't about how things will be "next time." It is not about replacing this M with another and then trying to make it better than what I once had.
It is about becoming comfortable with who I am and learning to draw on my experiences to solidify my inner strength. I can do that in the M I am in and if it works out, great. If not, I can end the M without wondering or caring what the nex relationship will be like. I will have peace because I will know I am the best I can be at the moment.
Easier said than done, for sure, but if I can do it then perhaps the forgiveness will come more easily for me.
I think you are strong and are doing just fine. The lows will come back every now and then, but as Shiny once told me, they become fewer and fewer. Hang in there and I will too.
