W went out with friends last night - old friends who had moved out of state and are back in town for a few nights. W hardly ever goes out, and I spend non-school evenings with the girls anyway, so I agreed to hang around the house until she got back.

Throughout the night she kept sending me texts.

(1939) "I'm getting more hours at work!"
(1940) "And they may need me for even more. Whew!"
(2006) "Thanks for letting me go."
(2018) "Haven't even ordered yet."
(2029) "Just ordered."
(2056) "Just got food."
(2140) "About the head out."

After the first two I replied "Great!" and after the third I replied "Of course" (she deserves time to get out of the house and have fun, and gets very few opportunities). I stopped replying after that.

I don't know if she felt guilty that I was essentially baby-sitting for her, or she was trying to be friendly (resisting the space I said I needed), or perhaps even she was slipping into wife-mode (which she does sometimes). There are people in her life that, even though she hasn't worn her rings in 9 months, she hasn't told our sitch to and still refers to me as her husband.

Really, I don't care what the reason is.

It was tough for me because as she texted me I realized that even though she was checking in with me for whatever reason, I don't trust her. For all I knew, she could be out boinking some guy and lying to me the whole time. (FTR, I don't think she was and I do think she was where she says she was.) The unfortunate fact remains:

I don't trust her.

And as long as she doesn't seem to be interested in recognizing the harm she did by breaking that trust and then actively trying to rebuild it, then I won't. And I don't mean "I won't" as in "I refuse to", I mean it as "I just don't." *shrug*

I realize that to an outsider what she did last night might be seen as her trying to rebuild that trust. As if she was saying, "You can trust me. Here's what I'm doing now. And now. And now..." But until she actually recognizes what she did, repents, and then tells me I can trust her, I don't think I will (again, not by choice, but by default mental state right now).

I have read here that it's virtually impossible for the WAW to say she is sorry for what she did, so maybe I'm asking for the moon.

But you know what? Maybe I NEED the moon.

Don't get me wrong. I want her to want me...enough to work for it (and I'm not making her work out of spite). But I think I really need to hear her actually say, "You can trust me. Let me show you."

Meh, who am I kidding anyway? My D is almost final and I'm thinking about what it would take for ME to take HER back. Hahaha.

-PM

M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.