Not confused...trying to keep hope alive!!!

[BRNR]

Hi N72- Thanks for dropping by and relaying your thoughts.

Why are you feeling you have lost all hope? what has recently changed to make you feel this way?

ME. I have recently changed. My actions, thoughts, and perspective have changed. I am now caught up in self-protection mode for myself and my children, that I am losing hope that he will come back, that I would want him to come back, or that we could have a great marriage if he did. I know I shouldn't dwell in the future, but I am trying to plot a course for my life right now, and when I envision my life, parts where I would have included him or wanted to include him, I am not feeling the same about.

feeling like all hope is lost. How can we make it back together when soo much as been done.

Exactly. And now that I am doing things to protect me and the children, I feel as if I am adding to the destruction...

Do you believe in him? in his strength? does he have the tools inside him to make it thru this?

Yes to all of the above. Will he? I am starting to wonder...his new life has a hold on him sooo much.

But I did hear of a bit of a change with him. Last night he took S9 to the playground at his apartment complex and pushed him on the swings. S9 told me about it when he came home. I love this. I hope that this is genuine and not a moment of H just peeking through. And S9 asked him about the circus and H said that of course he would LOVE to spend more time with them. The circus is on my night, so I am not sure how or if this will happen. But will let H have the control on that. Also, H seems to be picking up the kids more timely, if not early, and dropping them off later. Is this him re-connecting with the kids?

If nothing ever should happen with H and I, it would hurt, a lot. He has always been in the mind frame that nobody should stay in a marriage because of kids. So I don't have strong hopes of the children being a "BOND" between us. But I would want nothing but for him to have a relationship with his kids. And it seems he is trying to improve on this. Which does make me happy.

Should he continue this with some consistancy, should I acknowledge to H that I see this and it makes me Happy. If yes, how should I acknowledge it. Or should I let it fall to the way side...