Dear TVS..I don't know what to say....just so sorry you are in so much pain. Look forward to planning that vacation at the beach with your boys, no lies, no sneaking around, no guilt. Just good old fashioned fun with your boys, making memories that will last a lifetime. Focus on that.
T, my intent was not to bring you to tears, I would not want that ever.
I wanted to tell you something else. When my xh and I have had some discussions in the past regarding his affair, because as you know, he is crazy (lol), he told me a few things.
He said that while I was envisioning them doing all these things together, being so happy, that the reality was often much different.
Now I am not a fool. Clearly he isnt going to tell me when it was great. But, I did believe what he said because it made sense when I think back.
He said while it was a rush meeting with her and thinking I didnt know about it, there was also guilt on his part. And they would argue and she was insecure and she clearly had issues and so did he. So, it wasnt all butterflies and rainbows. It was often far from it.
So, try not to picture them on a beach like that. I used to try to picture them full of poison ivy and insect bites.
Oops, did I say that out loud? My bad!
You are amazing, T. Really and truly. I am honored to "know" you.
TVS, you are such a strong person and I admire you.... better days tomorrow!! (((HUGS)))
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I wanted to share that I agree with uRw and that what you think or envision your H doing may not always be the case.
My H shared yesterday in MC that many, many nights he just sat around with drinking buddy talking about the true love he desired to find. Drinking buddy tried to encourage him to go out with him and look for "young girls" together but my H said they never did it. Just talked. He said to MC, "it's not that easy. Everybody you meet has lots of issues and lots of baggage.".
So it wasn't always the party-time I envisioned H having while he was out and in my H's case it was always fogged with alcohol.
I think as your H's A continues, as he is reconnecting more with home, with the boys, and with even *gasp* touching your waist, that the reality of the A, baggage that OW certainly carries, the lack of comfort he is receiving, would eventually erode away any excitement that this R carried for him.
I know with my H the whole process has been just that -- a process. There hasn't been a defined line of apology, commitment, etc. Just like he grew apart from me, he is growing closer to me.
Probably all sitches aren't like that, but I'm guessing most will be like that.
I wanted to tell, you, tvs, I found a little kitten this past weekend in an outbuilding we have. There are a couple of feral cats living under the foundation now (times past it's been opossums, skunks, armadillos, etc.). Well, I went out to get some gardening supplies and I saw this little kitten (maybe 3 weeks old) in a drawer with a towel we had put out years ago for one of our own cats.
For some reason, tvs, I thought of you. Like the little kitten is hope in a wild place. I'm in the process now of taming the mother cat. I should be pretty good at that, right? Lol! Yesterday, she came within two feet of me growling and meowing and looking so cute!
My S13 wants to tame the kitten.
It's not a perfect analogy with an MLC sitch, but for some reason that little kitten made me feel like it was a beautiful unexpected find of life. Of hope. Maybe that's what your sitch is birthing: hope amidst the wildness of pain and fear.
Keep holding out the food and water for your H. He is so afraid. But one day he can trust in you again and the kitten will eventually grow into the tiger Tom again!
Love you tvs, Hugs, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I realize that things aren't so sunny and perfect when they are together - yet - they are still together.
Maybe all I have to do is picture her in a swim suit at the beach - gross!!! I would think that alone would ruin a vacation. Lol!
Not sure how I'm feeling today - maybe apprehensive? I checked the bank accounts, and saw that H took out $340 in a week - plus spent $50 at the grocery store. He has been much better with the money, so this is very disappointing.
I am feeling that if OW is going to go out, she's going out with a bang. They'll be no bowing out gracefully for her. Just not sure what that means yet, but I have this feeling it wouldn't be good.
As the pressure builds and builds in their failing R, something or someone is going to blow. And I don't want to get caught in the wreckage.
I really appreciate everyone's support - I don't know what I'd do without it
I am doing my best to get that scared kitten to come around, and maybe one day, be that Tom cat I remember
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
They are together because they are broken. And they havent done anything about getting fixed. They are holding on to the life preserver because if they let go, they will free fall.
They are petrified of facing life and themselves, T. I mean look at it from their perspective. She is a hot mess and he is in a crisis.
They know something is wrong and they keep thinking it must be everyone else.
And yes, I agree, she is not going out without a fight. And he is not yet out of the tunnel enough to know that he can let her go.
But you, my friend, continue to flourish and grow. I just hope he can catch up. His problem, though.
I see it when you say they know something is wrong, but think it must be everyone else.
For people who are so fearful of being judged, they are VERY judgemental themselves. I guess anything to take the focus off of them.
I think (and you know how sometimes I think too much!) that something big is going to happen in the near future. I just have this feeling.
I was even going over various scenarios in my mind of what she might do, so I could think about how I should respond versus how I would want to respond.
But she is crazy, and I'm not going to drive myself looney trying to figure her crazy a$$ out. I think when the time comes for whatever is brewing, I will deal with it.
Sticking with my plan of doing my thing. This includes mostly paying her no mind, except for a quick glance around once in awhile to make sure I'm not blindsided again by any knives in my back.
And hopefully, one day, after she is long gone from the picture and I'm still standing tall, maybe H will be able to catch up. You never know
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
