Wife is having an emotional affair

[25yearsmlc]

Hey Alan

we were stationed in Alaska twice, once for just a year. While waiting for our bed, we assumed we would buy our youngest a new mattress when the other stuff came.

Anyhow, we bought a pretty nice air mattress and put a mattress pad on it, nice sheets, etc...all for under a $100 (and if you already have your own linens, then you're just talking about a mattress).

Point is, she liked it fine and we never did replace it with a "real bed". Just put it on top of another one!

So while you await your "real new bed" you can probably get a good queen or double size air mattress and dress it up fine.

ALSO

of course you'll retain bits of hope that you will sometimes think are all gone.

Then a memory will resurface and you'll either cope with it, or in that moment, you'll cave a bit and feel the pain.

Please do not assume your w never has those moments. She has a person she can turn her attention to, which makes it somewhat easier to suppress those memories.

But make no mistake. She married you for a reason. The things she's attracted to in you, are still there. The OM does not know your history or her preferences or the music that reminds her of you, of a good day, or a painful experience you two shared and bonded over...

she WILL have moments with him in which HE DOES NOT measure up.

She'll always look over her shoulder, emotionally, to wonder if she made the right choice. That's why I think it's better to be an LBSer b/c we have NO choice but to do our best.

There are no second doubts for us to have, we simply have to DO OUR BEST and go forward, making the best of the cards we're dealt.

The WAS does not have that comfort. They must search themselves for every minute they're not happy or thrilled or feel sad or bored, etc.

When the flaws in OM show, and they will = for he is NOT perfect, she'll compare him to you.

You will not always fail in those comparisons, trust us.

But we LBSers, otoh, make do. We have no choice. We have no room for second thoughts for we are simply GAL and doing it with the best PMA possible.

That's why we grow more. That's why studies repeatedly show

that WASs who leave marriages that were not abusive

do NOT do as well

as the LBSer who does his soul searching, makes improvements in himself/herself, grows & becomes a happier person.

Does not mean she won't ever want back in...I predict she'll call you in a year and probe.

It MIGHT be b/c she wants to just check in and say hi, or see if you're still a fan of hers, versus hating her, b/c no one likes being hated,

or she might check in to see if there's more possible for you two....

We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Meanwhile, one foot in front of the other, check out air mattresses in random discount stores like Target or even a Drug Store (camping stores tend to charge more but are the same).

I paid almost $200 for a camping mattress a few years back...but I bought a nearly identical one for $40 in a Rite Aid or Target, a few months back. Even came with a pump...and HAS been a guest bed several times.

Make yourself comfortable.

how is your family handling the news? At least they didn't pay for the wedding...

Hang in there, you really are doing well. Seriously.

[T1000]

She'll always look over her shoulder, emotionally, to wonder if she made the right choice. That's why I think it's better to be an LBSer b/c we have NO choice but to do our best.

There are no second doubts for us to have, we simply have to DO OUR BEST and go forward, making the best of the cards we're dealt.

The WAS does not have that comfort. They must search themselves for every minute they're not happy or thrilled or feel sad or bored, etc.

I've never thought of it like that. Thanks 25.

[hotwheelsaust]

25yearsmlc, what a great write up, like T1000, never really thought that way either. Just makes me a little bit happier today.

[Alan A.]

how is your family handling the news? At least they didn't pay for the wedding...

I haven't told them yet. I was planning on doing that today.

[Alan A.]

Today was long. got a mattress and moved almost all of my stuff. There are just a few more small things. I told my mom today, she said it was sad but that I couldn't make choices for other people.

[Papa4Life]

Hi Alan. Your mother is very wise. It's funny how so many people echo the principles of DB without even knowing their doing it. Stay positive and keep posting

I really like what 25 posted. The only thing that bothers me is that WASs don't do as well after D. I really want my W to be happy and to find whatever it is she's looking for. Maybe it's just some inherent psychological quirk in a WAS that they want or need something that they can't find in the LBS because it doesn't exist and hence they'll never find it in anyone else either. It makes me feel more compassionate for my W's sitch because, not to sound maudlin, she seems to be tilting at the imaginary windmills in her mind.

[Alan A.]

Got the last of the stuff moved yesterday. Also got My name off of the bank account, still working on getting it off the lease.

[cbtdad]

Great job Alan! I know it's tough, but its time to take care of you. Keep it up

[Alan A.]

Today after work I went to pick up some dvds that W parents had been borrowing. Then we went to the leasing office but they had alredy closed. W asked if I had been having trouble sleeping. I haven't and I told her so. She said that she has only got 7 hours of sleep in the past 3 nights and that she keeps having panic attacks.

[Alan A.]

just realized I forgot a few things in the last post. I ask W what she was panicking and she said that she didn't know but thought maybe it was because she has never really lived alone before. She seemed disappointed when I said I wasn't having trouble sleeping.