[in_it]

Thanks uRworthy. You are absolutely correct. I want the OW to know in hopes of their relationship ending. I want it to be out there so bad as fast as possible so I can know if it will be over between them. I know that doesn't guarantee anything in our relationship or that he will even come back at that point. I think Tallula said it best yesterday when wanting the feeling of her not to win. It makes me feel like if she knew that she would be 'winning' at that point & let him go.

You're also right on the money when talking about her being a bandaid. I think it's almost comical that she is now the OW knowing her husband cheated on her. I don't know if I've told the story or not, but early on…back in February H went to church with OW & her entire family. The sermon that Sunday was 'Affair Proofing your Marriage'. H told me about this the day he returned home. It hit both of them hard. He didn't go in to details about their conversation afterwards but he did say that she doesn't want to be or never wanted to be the OW. Well, guess what? She is. Her family is very involved with their church & that sermon did not sit well with any of them. I think about this a lot. Probably too much.

That's another thing…I know it's toxic for my thoughts to be surrounded by her. I do really good on some days, but most I just can't get her out of my head. I just wish she would go away. I can't help it.

Thanks for your thoughts & words. It truly is stuff that I need to be told daily. Stuff I already know, but when see it written out to me helps tremendously.

Another question…H's dad has a birthday on Saturday. We are suppose to go to a party that evening with his family. I'm debating when it's party time to just say I'm tired & not feeling up to it & staying home. Should I? I don't know if I should continue to do all of this family stuff & act as if there is nothing going on around others? I've also had some anxiety about telling people I'm pregnant. How do I go about that? Just wait for my belly to grow & address the questions as they come in? I'm hoping I have another month before that. I started showing around 12 weeks with baby #2 & I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow.

[in_it]

Ok, I think I'm better now. My mind seems pretty clear this morning. Man these ups & downs really do stink!

No conversation with H really. He doesn't eat dinner with us & keeps himself busy with work all through the evening. He will go to the girls bedroom after I've tucked them in & tell them goodnight. Can't help but to think this isn't much for a man who says he is still here is because of the kids. His problem, not mine. I've been enjoying the evenings with my daughters acting as if he isn't even there. Not towards the girls, just in my head.

Here's to today…keeping the attitude positive & strong.

[in_it]

I've really messed up.

H went on our back porch & was talking on the phone. He told no one where he was going & my girls were asking where he was. When I noticed he was out back I went out there with D5 to see what he was doing. That's when I saw him on the phone. D5 asked her question & we headed in.

Something struck a nerve. I could tell he wasn't on the phone for work. I went back outside to tell him I was leaving to go to the gym. He said ok. I asked him who he was talking to & he just sat there. I said who are you talking to? He said it doesn't matter. So, I simply said that if it doesn't matter then why won't you tell me? He kept telling me to leave over & over & I just stood there waiting for him to answer. Finally I said why can't you just say you're on the phone with her? Why won't you just say it? How is she feeling right now listening to this & you can't even tell me who you are talking to you? What does she think? That's when he hung up. I know it was all wrong, but I hope she heard me.

After he hung up he told me to leave. D7 was standing in the door. I'm not sure how long she was there, but I was not leaving now. So, what does he do? He leaves. Storms out. Slams the door. D7 starts crying. We text a few times when he left. He said that I knew who he was talking to so why did it matter? I said no I did not until he wouldn't answer me. I said it does matter, that he has numerous opportunities to talk to her when me or the girls are not at home. I think that I handle the texting pretty well, but will not put up with the phone calls. He came back about 15-20 minutes later. Asked to talk to the girls & I wouldn't let him speak to them alone. Smoothed everything over with our daughters, put them to bed, & then tried to speak to H.

All he said is he's leaving. I asked when & he said soon. I said you keep saying that. I then asked him if we could discuss a few things? He said no. So, here I am bawling my eyes out in the grocery store parking lot typing to you. I just want him to talk to me calmly. I want him to actually tell me if he is leaving & when. I do not want to be stuck in limbo & getting the cold shoulder for who knows how long?

I need you to tell me, AGAIN, the reasons not to call her. Because right now I'd love to let her know about his double life she is so clueless about. I would say to her so many things that contradicts what he has been telling her & I would most definitely let her know I'm pregnant. Oh, that's another thing…should I tell H he can't divorce me while pregnant? (that comment was made from sarcasm)

I have not changed my mind & won't unless H becomes an actual threat or if the girls are on to something. D7 is way too smart for her own good & I'm sure will be asking questions, so I don't know how long I'll have in regards to that. I will not ask him to leave. He will have to make that decision for himself. I will not give him the satisfaction or justification in his mind that I kicked him out. This is something he is going to have to deal with in his head.

Ok, bring it on. I can take it.

[in_it]

So, I've stopped crying. That's good? Right? Now, I've got to get the courage to go home.

What do I do when I get there? Approach him to talk? Go about myself & get ready for bed? Avoid him? How do I handle myself?

[uRworthy]

In it, sweetie, listen. You are not doing yourself any favors here.

You are pushing him for answers in the hope that he will tell you what you want to hear, but, that isnt how it works.

All you are doing is pushing him to her.

And who care what she knows or doesnt know. Her problem.

All you telling her is going to do is get him angry, and give her satisfaction. And you lose your dignity.

Because their relationship is nothing. It is not based on anything but two messed up people.

I dont know why you want to talk to him right now. You want answers he cant give you.

So, get yourself together, walk in there and go about your business.

You need to get your emotions in check before you are ready for any kind of discussion.

You can do this.

[uRworthy]

One more thing. If you want to set a boundary about him talking on the pbone to her in your home with your children around, that is your right.

Just know that if you set a boundary, you have to be ready to enforce it.

[MrCAS]

Break the boundry rule... break the phone. Phone... meet BFH.

[knittedscarff]

Go home. It's your house. You are growing a human being

If he is too selfish not to be gentle and good to you, then think about who needs kindness more. A man who is lying to you or a tiny baby.

Ignore his tantrums. And if you feel like calling the OW then do it. It probably won't make a difference in the scope of things. Be prepared for your husband to possibly be telling her that he had no idea you were pregnant.

But listen, right now your husband is a grown-up man. He does not need your kindness as much as your child. A week for a baby is like a year for a 40 year old. Think about it. You will never have this first trimester with your baby. If he wants to miss it then so be it. I think when the advice of detaching is given its seen as an unplugging. Please think of it detaching from negative
Source but tapping into a live, positive one. Sorry for barging back into this thread but stories about men treating their pregnant wives is upsetting.

You deserve all the glory that comes with being a mom. Don't forget that.

[in_it]

Thanks to all.
uRworthy-again you have worded it perfectly. I have no business discussing anything right now. If I did I can picture myself being calm for about the first half of the convo & then just blurting out everything I feel & dumb I think he is for not being to recognize how he is being. None of that is needed. Plus, all I really want to know right now is when he's supposedly leaving? Well, I asked him that earlier & all he can say is soon. I'm pretty sure he has no idea. I certainly don't want to pressure him to actually getting out.

MrCas-you made me laugh. Thank you. I also love your quote about anger in your signature. I take the time to read it everytime I see one of your posts on these boards.

knittedscarf-thank you. Your concern for not only me, but my baby brought tears to my eyes. You're correct, I am growing a baby & it needs me. This is the most important thing right now. I need to do much better at keeping my emotions in check.

[uRworthy]

In it, I feel we shouldnt ask questions we dont want to hear the answers to.

I dont think he knows when he is leaving so to keep asking him is kinda fruitless, ya know?

And i want you to understand I dont really care about him right now, it is you I care about.

And the best thing for you to do right now is to live your life with your kids and enjoy the new life growing inside you.

I would certainly not give her any of my headspace. She is not worth it.

And he cant hear you right now because his head is up his......
Just sayin. LOL!

Take care of you, I.