[in_it]

I've really messed up.

H went on our back porch & was talking on the phone. He told no one where he was going & my girls were asking where he was. When I noticed he was out back I went out there with D5 to see what he was doing. That's when I saw him on the phone. D5 asked her question & we headed in.

Something struck a nerve. I could tell he wasn't on the phone for work. I went back outside to tell him I was leaving to go to the gym. He said ok. I asked him who he was talking to & he just sat there. I said who are you talking to? He said it doesn't matter. So, I simply said that if it doesn't matter then why won't you tell me? He kept telling me to leave over & over & I just stood there waiting for him to answer. Finally I said why can't you just say you're on the phone with her? Why won't you just say it? How is she feeling right now listening to this & you can't even tell me who you are talking to you? What does she think? That's when he hung up. I know it was all wrong, but I hope she heard me.

After he hung up he told me to leave. D7 was standing in the door. I'm not sure how long she was there, but I was not leaving now. So, what does he do? He leaves. Storms out. Slams the door. D7 starts crying. We text a few times when he left. He said that I knew who he was talking to so why did it matter? I said no I did not until he wouldn't answer me. I said it does matter, that he has numerous opportunities to talk to her when me or the girls are not at home. I think that I handle the texting pretty well, but will not put up with the phone calls. He came back about 15-20 minutes later. Asked to talk to the girls & I wouldn't let him speak to them alone. Smoothed everything over with our daughters, put them to bed, & then tried to speak to H.

All he said is he's leaving. I asked when & he said soon. I said you keep saying that. I then asked him if we could discuss a few things? He said no. So, here I am bawling my eyes out in the grocery store parking lot typing to you. I just want him to talk to me calmly. I want him to actually tell me if he is leaving & when. I do not want to be stuck in limbo & getting the cold shoulder for who knows how long?

I need you to tell me, AGAIN, the reasons not to call her. Because right now I'd love to let her know about his double life she is so clueless about. I would say to her so many things that contradicts what he has been telling her & I would most definitely let her know I'm pregnant. Oh, that's another thing…should I tell H he can't divorce me while pregnant? (that comment was made from sarcasm)

I have not changed my mind & won't unless H becomes an actual threat or if the girls are on to something. D7 is way too smart for her own good & I'm sure will be asking questions, so I don't know how long I'll have in regards to that. I will not ask him to leave. He will have to make that decision for himself. I will not give him the satisfaction or justification in his mind that I kicked him out. This is something he is going to have to deal with in his head.

Ok, bring it on. I can take it.