Briefly my story, my husband and I started distancing from each other about 1.5 years ago when his work travel became significant. I admit I thought once the travel stopped we would naturally grow back together – naïve I know now. I concentrated on myself and on things I enjoyed while he was away. Last spring, he was all gung ho to put a pool in and then things changed. This is when I think the affair started – emotional only at first. He stopped discussing future activities like the pool and was just not himself. The fall was hard. I wasn’t sure what was going on and begging him to work on our marriage. December he told me he wanted to separate and I quickly told him we needed to discuss how things were going to be finances, etc. He was just not nice to be around and I cried a lot. I really did not see this coming. I was devastated and I can see why he didn’t want to be around me. He was supposed to move out at the beginning of the year but his teenage daughter decided she wanted to live with us on a more permanent basis. I told him he didn’t have to move out if he ended his affair.
As of three weeks ago, friends of mine saw him kissing this woman in a restaurant parking lot. I confronted him when he got home and he swore this would never happen again. I told him I would not tolerate this friendship. He said I understand but would not agree to end the friendship. Last night I caught them in a bar together – he said it was just work and this time swore he would “stay away” from her because it upsets me and he wants to work on the marriage. I have heard this before.
I have read both of DB, DR and am working with a coach. The coach says I have just about exhausted all of the techniques. Here is what I have done for 180
1) I do not call of telephone unless it is about his daughter. In February while he was traveling we went 10 days without talking. I did get the occasional text. I am pretty consistent on this. 2) I don’t share information about my life unless he asks and then I am often vague. Most of the time he doesn’t ask and this has been going on for months. I am pretty consistent on this. As an example, we all received bonuses and raises recently, I asked about his but he did not ask about mine 3) I don’t ask for MC anymore. Haven’t in months. 4) I sometimes ask about his day other times I do not. I am consistent on not being consistent 5) I am getting better at not starting the conversations with him and letting him do the talking; however again not consistent. 6) I am not overly enthusiastic about our future; however I told him I would still like to work on it.
My coach says my homework for the week is to have a positive mental attitude, to get a life and to be nice to him if he is nice to me. I work a nine hour day and then have a 1+ hour commute on both ends; so getting a new life is difficult. Plus I had/have a life before all this; I don’t need to reinvent myself simply because he is not the guy I married. His daughter is also having some of her own difficulties and when there is tension in the house it sets her off. She notices that I am significantly different when he is around compared to when he is traveling. I do not know how to prevent this. Right now I still cook and clean and do the tasks around the house to keep some semblance of normalcy for her.
I think your sig timeline is not quite right. It indicates you signed up 4/2012 for coaching, which would suggest over a year of coaching.
I am curious, when your coach suggested you have almost exhausted all the techniques, would I be incorrect in assuming that you let your coach know that you tried a number of techniques, rather than actually working with the coach through a number of the techniques?
Does your coach suspect possible MLC?
Is there anything else your coach suggested previously that you tried? What was it and how did it not work?
You have mentioned a lot of reasons that might suggest why you can not have a PMA, GAL, and be nice to him if he's nice to you.
So outside of those things, how can you still fulfil the recommendations of your coach?
I think your sig timeline is not quite right. It indicates you signed up 4/2012 for coaching, which would suggest over a year of coaching.
You are correct. It should have been 2013 I signed up for coaching. So I have only been at it for a few weeks.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
I am curious, when your coach suggested you have almost exhausted all the techniques, would I be incorrect in assuming that you let your coach know that you tried a number of techniques, rather than actually working with the coach through a number of the techniques?
She asked me what my current behaviors were. I only read DR recently but read DB this winter.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Does your coach suspect possible MLC?
She has never mentioned it. Someone else has mentioned depression.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Is there anything else your coach suggested previously that you tried? What was it and how did it not work?
The first week it was still to be short on words and PMA and GAL. He didn't seem to care either way when I was short on words. In fact I don't think he noticed one way or the other so she suggested just to be normal.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
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You have mentioned a lot of reasons that might suggest why you can not have a PMA, GAL, and be nice to him if he's nice to you.
So outside of those things, how can you still fulfil the recommendations of your coach?
I am still working on being nice to him and have a PMA and have been successful. Well in my world it seems like it. He reacts nicely to be when I am nice to him sometimes. Tonight for example he came home and his daughter went out. He started playing video games on the main television, I just went in the other room and read a book, he walked past m once and said hi so I said hi back upbeat. I did not want him to think I was sulking because I wasn't. I enjoy reading.
Her big this is for me to be mysterious but he hasn't really asked me what I am doing or where I am going in months.
Last night I caught them in a bar together – he said it was just work and this time swore he would “stay away” from her because it upsets me and he wants to work on the marriage. I have heard this before.
First, how did you happen to catch them together? Were you trying to? Have you been snooping on him, following him and checking up on him? If so that's all got to stop.
Second, he told you he wants to work on the M? Has he done anything towards that or just talked about it? If he really does, then it's time to present him with some boundaries. Full access to his phone and email for one, disclosing to you where he is and what he's doing throughout the day for another. He needs to understand that he has ruined the trust and HE needs to work hard at regaining YOUR trust.
Now if he doesn't want to work on the M, then you can't set boundaries. You need to find out if he's serious or not. I don't think he is.
First, how did you happen to catch them together? Were you trying to? Have you been snooping on him, following him and checking up on him? If so that's all got to stop.
I was trying to validate my suspicious. I have only one source I listen to now before I was significantly snooping. I get not monitoring, but he has no trust so if I don't do some snooping how do I find out if he is lyring.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Second, he told you he wants to work on the M? Has he done anything towards that or just talked about it?
If you asked me, he has done nothing.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
If he really does, then it's time to present him with some boundaries. Full access to his phone and email for one, disclosing to you where he is and what he's doing throughout the day for another. He needs to understand that he has ruined the trust and HE needs to work hard at regaining YOUR trust. Now if he doesn't want to work on the M, then you can't set boundaries. You need to find out if he's serious or not. I don't think he is.
So I try to give him a hug every night before bed. I usually initiate it but sometimes he does
Tonight I didn't initiate. My coach said to go for two nights and then initiate if I want to. It's really hard. I said goodnight and then went to bed, he didn't try to give me a hug. He didn't even get up. It makes me sad so I am writing here. It's so hard when he is so close. I know I have to be strong for myself but this one thing means way more to me then anything so far. Did we hug every night before bed before all thus mess? No but now that we don't sleep in the same bed it meant something to me.
DBing is about being consistent for a period of time long enough for the changes you make in yourself to be real, permanent, and be trusted by the WAS.
I don't think that three weeks is enough time for your changes to be real and so I don't think your H trusts your changes yet, so you aren't seeing any pattern or behaviour change, with him.
If you are following the advice of the coach, would snooping, setting boundaries, asking for disclosure, requesting him to work on the M, or similar activities in keeping and consistent with your coaches advice on working on PMA, GAL, and being nice to your H?
If you are all over the map, that's what your H will sense and the results are likely to be more of the same.
DBing is about being consistent for a period of time long enough for the changes you make in yourself to be real, permanent, and be trusted by the WAS.
I don't think that three weeks is enough time for your changes to be real and so I don't think your H trusts your changes yet, so you aren't seeing any pattern or behaviour change, with him.
Certain aspects I have been doing for months. Like the not sharing stuff about what is going on for months and not initiating calls or texting unless its about his daughter.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
If you are following the advice of the coach, would snooping, setting boundaries, asking for disclosure, requesting him to work on the M, or similar activities in keeping and consistent with your coaches advice on working on PMA, GAL, and being nice to your H?
If you are all over the map, that's what your H will sense and the results are likely to be more of the same.
I am not sure i understand.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
How do you plan on proceeding at this time?
I am trying to be more consistent and working on getting a life. I read something that helped me. I can invite him along but if he says no or maybe or something other than yes do not let it change my plans. Today I am going to the movies.
Moderation is taking a while to get things posted - over 24 hours so I am not sure what I am doing wrong in my posts.
I made it another night without initiating the hug goodnight. It was hard. He did not offer me one. In fact he did not look up from his video game.
I did get to my movie and I did invite him. I did not expect him to go with me but he did. I don't think he wanted to go. I feel guilty not asking him but don't want him to come if he doesn't really want to be there. How do I handle this?
