Well--did one of you guys email Wolfie with tips on how to be romantic, LOL! V-day was nice and yes, he certainly was a lot more expessive than normal.
I am really looking hard at some of my triggers (like the ones that put me in a tailspin last week). I am activly doing battle with some of them--because I just don't want them to continue having so much power over me. In some cases--I'm going to use a method of over-exposing myself to something that triggers me (sort of like people do to get over phobias). In other cases, I am looking at what the trigger symbolizes and really examine what the fear is behind the symbol.
The major fear seems to be the powerlessness and humiliation over being deceived.
Basically, I don't have a great deal of fear over losing my R. When I gave Wolfie the big ultimatim 3 months into our separation--I wasn't afraid to go on to the next chapter in my life alone--and I'm still not.
The real fear is in trying/trusting--really putting myself out there (as I KNOW I have to do if I want a good R) and being decieved. That may not make any logical sense--considering the stage we are at in piecing--and there is nothing in Wolfie's actions that lead me to believe that he is decieving me. Still, that terrible fear is there--and that is what sends me into snoop mode--it's like a pacifyer for my anxiety when I remember how it feels to suddenly find out that everything I thought was true wasn't and that I had been going along daily in my life--only to find out that there had been lies and deceit swirling around me.
I know that I suffered from PTSD before all of this happened--and the bomb sent me into yet more PTSD symptoms. I guess I was pre-traumatised (lol) before all of this occurred with Wolfie being unfaithful.
I have been in counseling before for PTSD. I was told that I was at a pretty high level of coping and functioning despite the symptoms. We tried the only thing that is recommended to alleviate symptoms (EMDR) but that wasn't helpful in my case. I haven't been able to find much in terms of successful. A lot of the literature on the subject is discouraging, because there is agreement that the hardwiring of the brain is literally changed perminantly in PTSD, and there isn't much available for models of treatment for PTSD--so I am trying to find ways to make up my own.
If a brain can be rewired by traumatic events, my theory is that it can be rewired again by concious effort--so I am trying to help myself by doing battle with these triggers and flashbacks and the way they make me feel.
