OK--breathe, Tal, breath! I know it's only emotions, not necessarily emotions based on reality.
No, I don't have any reason to believe Wolfie is being unfaithful. That is just fear and anxiety blindsiding me. I think everytime I make some steps forward, trusting him more, allowing myself to relax and accept that things are going to be ok...I get a rebound backlash of fear.
When Wolfie and I first got together, it was a similar process. I was terrified to let myself be vulnerable and it took a long time to trust. I had come to the conclusion that having a good relationship or really being loved was something that was for other people--not for me. Wolfie was so consistant and quietly persistant, that I eventually was able to let my guard down and let him into my world.
After discovering his betrayal--I beat myself up a lot for ever having been gullible enough to give anyone the ability to hurt me to the core.
I guess I shouldn't expect to learn to trust all over again, especially after having been hurt so badly, is not going to be easy.
I hope too, LL. Especially considering the alternatives.
I just sucks, ya know? The man knew that what this kind of betrayal would do to me. In the beginning, I asked him countless times NOT to get involved with me if there was any possibility that he might be unfaithful.
He could have told me he wanted out at any time. He could have said he wanted to be with other women, and we could have separated with respect.
He didn't though--the lied and snuck around and hit me right where he knew my weak spot was. He knew it would shatter me, and yet he says that he loves me and never stopped loving me.
Forgiving has been the easiest part. Forgetting is much harder and understanding could be impossible.
Would a partial labotomy help make this easier, ya think?
What I wouldnt give for a partial lobotomy myself. I think I am in the same predicament you are Never was one to trust easily myself...now trying to deal with MY emotions is proving to be a daunting task.
^sigh^ Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I don't have any answers on how to keep them in check.
I guess for me deciding whether I want to have a chance at a new R or give it all up and roll the dice to see what else is out there. For now, I'm going with the first.
I am working on the self talk to try to minize the ups and downs. I can't help but thinking that it sounds a lot like what our S's go through.
Hang in there Tal. I know you appriciate where you are and realize how many of us want to be there.
I don't know that forgetting will ever happen. But forgiveness will make the pain lessen.
Tal you have so many blessings. Focus on those. It's just a different level for you. How many of us are dealing with OW that are current? Focus on the good and really give Wolfie an overload of lovin, he came back out of the depths of he!! for YOU.
perhaps part of the problem was that we never fully trusted to begin with? we just tried to fool ourselves into thinking we were trusting but they felt the distrust hiding beneath the surface.
not in any way shape or form trying to blame ourselves here for our dumb a$$ h's actions but....
hmmmmmm
So least now we know what it's like to have our trust broken. can we fully heal?
in time perhaps
will we ever be the same?
definitely not
is that horrible?
not totally
ok now I need to go to sleep cause I could just go on forever.
I know that this trust issue is a biggie. I'm going to pick myself up out of this mudpuddle I fell face-first into and get back to the focus I was concentrating on before I tripped and went splat.
He didn't just do this to me. He hurt himself horribly by his infidelity. I know he still hurts everyday over it. As much as I am struggeling with trust, I know he is too.
He doesn't trust himself because he can't comprehend how he could have been so "selfish and stupid".
I'm not the only one who deals with fear because I'm pretty sure that he also lives in fear that one of these days I'm going to tell him I made a mistake in wanting him back and he should just go away.
I guess I could go on an on, but the bottom like is that infidelity sucks and hurts everyone involved. I'm sure that even the butt-ugly one felt hurt and cried around to her friends for a few months about being unceremoniously dumped on her ass. I doubt however that she even comprehends the damage she helped create since she keeps doing this like it is a hobby or something.
Quote: He doesn't trust himself because he can't comprehend how he could have been so "selfish and stupid".
Did your H actually tell you this himself? If so, that's a huge admission to make, and should go a long way to reassuring you that it won't happen again and that he's sorry about what happened. No?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Yes, he did tell me that and a lot of other things in a letter he wrote about 3 months into our separation last year when I told him I'd had enough of the fence sitting and was going to file for dissolution of our meritricious relationship.
It was a very long letter and I may post parts of it here at some point. It had a lot of eye-opening revelations from a wayward spouse who'd just recently returned from lala land and might be helpful to someone around here to read.
Well--did one of you guys email Wolfie with tips on how to be romantic, LOL! V-day was nice and yes, he certainly was a lot more expessive than normal.
I am really looking hard at some of my triggers (like the ones that put me in a tailspin last week). I am activly doing battle with some of them--because I just don't want them to continue having so much power over me. In some cases--I'm going to use a method of over-exposing myself to something that triggers me (sort of like people do to get over phobias). In other cases, I am looking at what the trigger symbolizes and really examine what the fear is behind the symbol.
The major fear seems to be the powerlessness and humiliation over being deceived.
Basically, I don't have a great deal of fear over losing my R. When I gave Wolfie the big ultimatim 3 months into our separation--I wasn't afraid to go on to the next chapter in my life alone--and I'm still not.
The real fear is in trying/trusting--really putting myself out there (as I KNOW I have to do if I want a good R) and being decieved. That may not make any logical sense--considering the stage we are at in piecing--and there is nothing in Wolfie's actions that lead me to believe that he is decieving me. Still, that terrible fear is there--and that is what sends me into snoop mode--it's like a pacifyer for my anxiety when I remember how it feels to suddenly find out that everything I thought was true wasn't and that I had been going along daily in my life--only to find out that there had been lies and deceit swirling around me.
I know that I suffered from PTSD before all of this happened--and the bomb sent me into yet more PTSD symptoms. I guess I was pre-traumatised (lol) before all of this occurred with Wolfie being unfaithful.
I have been in counseling before for PTSD. I was told that I was at a pretty high level of coping and functioning despite the symptoms. We tried the only thing that is recommended to alleviate symptoms (EMDR) but that wasn't helpful in my case. I haven't been able to find much in terms of successful. A lot of the literature on the subject is discouraging, because there is agreement that the hardwiring of the brain is literally changed perminantly in PTSD, and there isn't much available for models of treatment for PTSD--so I am trying to find ways to make up my own.
If a brain can be rewired by traumatic events, my theory is that it can be rewired again by concious effort--so I am trying to help myself by doing battle with these triggers and flashbacks and the way they make me feel.
Never was one to trust easily myself...now trying to deal with MY emotions is proving to be a daunting task.