I think if you have to say something, it would be good to say, wow, I'm just shocked that you think of me as so controlling, and that you didn't feel like you could have friends. I do not want to be that guy. I love you and want you, but I've got some work to do to figure my own stuff out. I'll give you the time you're asking for. You know where to find me.
Just some thoughts.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Having said that. Listen to advina, mach1 and Urworthy before you say anything. Lol!!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
M: I don't like who I am W, I love you and don't want to be that controlling person anymore. I have some work to do to figure out my own stuff. I will give you the time you ask for.
W: Thank you JP. What can I do to help you?
M: Find (her name) again and be happy.
W: I don't know what to say or what to expect or what.
M: Me either
W: ok
End
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
J, I am going to just tell it like it is to you, ok?
I get how you are feeling and thinking because I felt and thought the same things.
I thought if I could keep telling him I want him and I want to work on our marriage enough times, that this day would be the one when he would say, Ok, Ur, I feel the same way.
Until it didnt happen.
The thing of it is this. There are reasons why your w feels the way she does. Some of them are true, some not, but they are her feeling so they are valid to her.
When you keep on telling her the things you do, you are invalidating her feelings. You are telling her, I know the words you are saying, but they are wrong, because I want you and I want to work on the marriage. Doesnt matter what you want or what you feel, it only matters what I feel.
I get the hanging on for fear that they will move away if you dont. But picture someone holding onto your pants leg as you are trying to move away. You keep shaking your leg to get them off, but, they wont go. So you shake harder and move further away, all in trying to get them off.
When you db, you are saying, I hear you. I hear that you are saying you dont want to be married, you dont know how you feel, etc. I hear you. You dont have to agree with it, but, you do have to respect their feelings.
When you make changes it means you heard them. When you give them space. You heard them.
You also give them the opportunity to think. They arent hearing the noise of your words, because that is what it is to them at this point.
When they have time to think and they feel heard and they see changes, it gives the best opportunity for them to look towards you.
When you make the changes, it gives you the opportunity to become who you want to be. It gives you the chance to decide what it is you really want.
J, you are putting an enormous amount of pressure on the woman that you love by having her have to worry about how you are taking all this. Do you want to do that, really?
Or do you want her to possibly come to you because she has realized she wants you, not because of fear or worry or ultimatums, but because she has seen a man with dignity and courage and strength, who gave her the greatest gift he could, cherishing her enough to let her go.
I told you to say something about the om because it seemed like you felt you wanted to and I thought about it.
You have said it many times. She has heard it.
At this point, I would just say, you asked for time, I heard you. I need time and space, too, to work on my stuff. And that's it. I dont feel it's necessary to say anything else at this time. She knows everything she needs to know for right now. She is not ready to hear anything else you have to say.
And then you have to live those words , J. Because I promise you, if you continue doing what you have been doing, it is going to get worse.
You have to learn to not be driven by your emotions. The way to do that is to work at it.
Work on you, get your stuff in order, give her the time and space she's asked for. Then you will be coming from a place of strength and not of fear.
None of this is easy and sorry but you dont get a free pass.
M: I don't like who I am W, I love you and don't want to be that controlling person anymore. I have some work to do to figure out my own stuff. I will give you the time you ask for.
W: Thank you JP. What can I do to help you?
M: Find (her name) again and be happy.
W: I don't know what to say or what to expect or what.
M: Me either
W: ok
End
this is what I said urworthy. BTW PS need you.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
One more thing. Her finding her is not going to make you happy. You are going to make you happy.
She needs to find her own happiness.
Got it?
that was hard to tell her and I meant I want her to find herself and be happy, not worry about me.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
