A New Me 4

[jp787]

She wants time.



Why oh why are you trying so hard to make something happen right now? It is not going to work in your favor.

First of all, are you ready for her? Are you all done improving yourself? Are you the man you want to be? Have you taken full advantage of the time and space you have here, to separate yourself from her and build yourself up from scratch to a complete man, a whole healthy partner? I think the answer would be no.

Second, she is telling you over and over that she hasn't figured herself out yet. If you want to take a stand, NOW, that you won't be in a relationship with her (what does that mean right now anyway?) if she is with OM, then OK, she's got a choice to make right now. And you aren't going to like it either way. She leaves him and resents you and you're back here in 6 months, or she leaves you, for good. You are LUCKY that she is saying she wants time. Why don't you get OUT of her business and let her have time, and stop trying to dictate what it looks like.

What's the worst that can happen, an EA? Already happened. Be strong, and give her time and space and see if you can be grateful for the space to fix yourself.

I am so sad that you think you're not good without a woman to make you feel good. I'm paraphrasing from many posts up, but I saw that. Guess who's making you feel so bad, that you can't be alone? Who's there when you're alone? PLEASE get to work on that guy. You don't have to fear anyone but your own self, and you have the power to change and control yourself. That is GOOD NEWS.

I have found in my separation that a lot of the habits and mental patterns that held me in bondage in my marriage and damaged my self esteem were cemented by the fact that my marriage was forever. I couldn't get enough space and perspective to see myself differently than I had become in my marriage. My H left in December, and I am occasionally feeling really different. I walk into the grocery store and feel happy and confident and not fearful of what I'm going to buy wrong...I feel like I'm walking on clouds. I work in the garden and I am no longer surrounded by the crush of "you're doing it wrong" "that's the wrong tool" "roundup would work better" or just plain disregard of my efforts. My story is not your story, but I hope my example can show you.... with some (enforced) space, I am beginning to feel like it is possible to rewrite my life. It is possible to feel good about myself all the time. It is possible to reinvent my role. And I feel like when that happens, it will be the real me. It won't go away next time I'm with someone. It will be who I bring to that relationship. Just for a moment think that next relationship might be with my H...I'll be bringing this new me, the confident one that feels good, and I'll know differently where my boundaries are, and will know what to say when they're crossed. It will be a brand new relationship. (Not happening, just a hypothetical example.)

For you, understand - that is HOW you get to create a new relationship with your W from the ground up, one where you're not locked in the box of being controlling and someone who wouldn't let her have friends. Take this space and use it to rebuild yourself, and stop worrying about what she's doing. She's on her journey, you're on yours. You can take a lot of hope in the fact that she describes you as someone she loved and loves, and married, and she leaves the door open that she might want to be with you again. But it shouldn't be the old you, or you two won't make it. So let her go, and work on you. Can you see that?

I keep reading this over and over. You are so right. Will you share your thoughts on what would best to say to my W at this point.