A New Me 4

[uRworthy]

J, just a heads up. Mach is sharpening up his wood saw. Duck!!! LOL!

Because she is hearing blah, blah, blah right about now. Same ole JP.

You continue to keep doing the same thing expecting different results. Doesnt work that way.

It is time for you to stop saying what you are going to do, what you need to do, what you should be doing, and just freakin DO IT!!!

Get out of your own way, man and get to gettin.

Live your life or it will live you.

[jp787]

I will stand and take it, maybe it will divert some of my emotional pain.

I am on board, just need to finalize today with W.

[MrCAS]

I got a flogger in my closet. Do not make pull it out and come over there.

[AnotherStander]

W,
This is where I stand with OM or any other person. I cannot allow myself to be in a relationship where my partner chooses to engage herself physically or emotionally with another man.

I heard you say that you need space and time.

I agree and think that each of us should take time to allow ourselves the opportunity to figure things out about ourselves and what we want.

Strike the first line. It makes the rest of it make no sense. Basically you're telling her in the first line that you're done because she's choosing OM, but then in the rest you say you should both take time to think about it. Just tell her you both need space and time to think things through and leave it at that. There's nothing more that needs to be said at this time. Like uRworthy said, all she's going to see is blah, blah, blah anyway.

Reminds me of a Far side cartoon that went something like:

What humans say: "Fido, go get the ball! Go on Fido! I threw it over there! Go Fido, get it!"

What dogs hear: "Fido, blah blah blah Fido blah blah blah Fido blah"

LOL! But that actually applies to WAS's too, they only hear what they want to hear. The rest is just background noise.

[cbtdad]

JP! Listen to advina! This is exactly where I was Tuesday. I said what I said to my W. feel much better since I put up my boundaries. And for the first time I realize that we both have work to do on ourselves individually. No expectations at all .
You can use the time you give her to better yourself. You got this!!

[jp787]

What did you say

[jp787]

Sorry ill go look. I remember reading it.

[cbtdad]

I would love to say to my W give up OM or I'm not going to be around you. But that simply Isn't true and I doubt she would anyways. But i am distancing myself and I am going to continue to do me. I don't know how to explain it JP but after inset those boundaries on Tuesday night I just feel different. I feel like I'm my own person again instead of worrying about what she thinks I am or what I do.
Listen to Mach1, Urworthy, ad advina.
Take there advice and run with it.
I would not have gotten through Tuesday night without there help and getting my mind right first.

[jp787]

She wants time.



Why oh why are you trying so hard to make something happen right now? It is not going to work in your favor.

First of all, are you ready for her? Are you all done improving yourself? Are you the man you want to be? Have you taken full advantage of the time and space you have here, to separate yourself from her and build yourself up from scratch to a complete man, a whole healthy partner? I think the answer would be no.

Second, she is telling you over and over that she hasn't figured herself out yet. If you want to take a stand, NOW, that you won't be in a relationship with her (what does that mean right now anyway?) if she is with OM, then OK, she's got a choice to make right now. And you aren't going to like it either way. She leaves him and resents you and you're back here in 6 months, or she leaves you, for good. You are LUCKY that she is saying she wants time. Why don't you get OUT of her business and let her have time, and stop trying to dictate what it looks like.

What's the worst that can happen, an EA? Already happened. Be strong, and give her time and space and see if you can be grateful for the space to fix yourself.

I am so sad that you think you're not good without a woman to make you feel good. I'm paraphrasing from many posts up, but I saw that. Guess who's making you feel so bad, that you can't be alone? Who's there when you're alone? PLEASE get to work on that guy. You don't have to fear anyone but your own self, and you have the power to change and control yourself. That is GOOD NEWS.

I have found in my separation that a lot of the habits and mental patterns that held me in bondage in my marriage and damaged my self esteem were cemented by the fact that my marriage was forever. I couldn't get enough space and perspective to see myself differently than I had become in my marriage. My H left in December, and I am occasionally feeling really different. I walk into the grocery store and feel happy and confident and not fearful of what I'm going to buy wrong...I feel like I'm walking on clouds. I work in the garden and I am no longer surrounded by the crush of "you're doing it wrong" "that's the wrong tool" "roundup would work better" or just plain disregard of my efforts. My story is not your story, but I hope my example can show you.... with some (enforced) space, I am beginning to feel like it is possible to rewrite my life. It is possible to feel good about myself all the time. It is possible to reinvent my role. And I feel like when that happens, it will be the real me. It won't go away next time I'm with someone. It will be who I bring to that relationship. Just for a moment think that next relationship might be with my H...I'll be bringing this new me, the confident one that feels good, and I'll know differently where my boundaries are, and will know what to say when they're crossed. It will be a brand new relationship. (Not happening, just a hypothetical example.)

For you, understand - that is HOW you get to create a new relationship with your W from the ground up, one where you're not locked in the box of being controlling and someone who wouldn't let her have friends. Take this space and use it to rebuild yourself, and stop worrying about what she's doing. She's on her journey, you're on yours. You can take a lot of hope in the fact that she describes you as someone she loved and loves, and married, and she leaves the door open that she might want to be with you again. But it shouldn't be the old you, or you two won't make it. So let her go, and work on you. Can you see that?

I keep reading this over and over. You are so right. Will you share your thoughts on what would best to say to my W at this point.

[cbtdad]

JP, not sure if you were asking me or Advina. But I will reply either way.
I would tell W that you understand what he is saying about having friends. Bin would then say something to the effect of "imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. I hope you can understand why I feel the way i do about remaining friends with him"
I would follow that up with understanding that she needs time and that you think you do as well. In the meantime I don't think it's productive to have discussions about us.
Then give we space!!!
JP, you don't want to force her to give up this guy as a friend. You want her to give him up as a friend because she wants y'all's marriage to work and she respects you.
That is a big difference. That's why I have given up expectations. I will work on me and if she doesn't want to try with new me at some point than that's ok. Because I know I'm gonna be alright.
You will as well. You need to know that! I promise you if you try something different it won't get any worse