Briefly my story, my husband and I started distancing from each other about 1.5 years ago when his work travel became significant. I admit I thought once the travel stopped we would naturally grow back together – naïve I know now. I concentrated on myself and on things I enjoyed while he was away. Last spring, he was all gung ho to put a pool in and then things changed. This is when I think the affair started – emotional only at first. He stopped discussing future activities like the pool and was just not himself. The fall was hard. I wasn’t sure what was going on and begging him to work on our marriage. December he told me he wanted to separate and I quickly told him we needed to discuss how things were going to be finances, etc. He was just not nice to be around and I cried a lot. I really did not see this coming. I was devastated and I can see why he didn’t want to be around me. He was supposed to move out at the beginning of the year but his teenage daughter decided she wanted to live with us on a more permanent basis. I told him he didn’t have to move out if he ended his affair.
As of three weeks ago, friends of mine saw him kissing this woman in a restaurant parking lot. I confronted him when he got home and he swore this would never happen again. I told him I would not tolerate this friendship. He said I understand but would not agree to end the friendship. Last night I caught them in a bar together – he said it was just work and this time swore he would “stay away” from her because it upsets me and he wants to work on the marriage. I have heard this before.
I have read both of DB, DR and am working with a coach. The coach says I have just about exhausted all of the techniques. Here is what I have done for 180
1) I do not call of telephone unless it is about his daughter. In February while he was traveling we went 10 days without talking. I did get the occasional text. I am pretty consistent on this. 2) I don’t share information about my life unless he asks and then I am often vague. Most of the time he doesn’t ask and this has been going on for months. I am pretty consistent on this. As an example, we all received bonuses and raises recently, I asked about his but he did not ask about mine 3) I don’t ask for MC anymore. Haven’t in months. 4) I sometimes ask about his day other times I do not. I am consistent on not being consistent 5) I am getting better at not starting the conversations with him and letting him do the talking; however again not consistent. 6) I am not overly enthusiastic about our future; however I told him I would still like to work on it.
My coach says my homework for the week is to have a positive mental attitude, to get a life and to be nice to him if he is nice to me. I work a nine hour day and then have a 1+ hour commute on both ends; so getting a new life is difficult. Plus I had/have a life before all this; I don’t need to reinvent myself simply because he is not the guy I married. His daughter is also having some of her own difficulties and when there is tension in the house it sets her off. She notices that I am significantly different when he is around compared to when he is traveling. I do not know how to prevent this. Right now I still cook and clean and do the tasks around the house to keep some semblance of normalcy for her.
