The Year of Seismic Activity

[sage]

Hey Tal,

As I've been reminded on my thread many times..it HELPS to read about the "still present" highs and lows of success stories! I'm not saying I'm glad that you're still reeling at times..but it does remind me and others that the journey isn't in just one direction...much as we'd like it to be.

SO....it hasn't been THAT long (a month? 5 weeks?) when I had a tearful conversation with h convinced that he was still somehow involved with ow. This was after 3 weeks of internally obsessing...looking for "clues" (not snooping but just kind of taking the pulse of the r). This kind of stuff just feeds on itself...but you know that! You start feeling "off and suspicious" then you start feeling badly about that (why aren't I over it?) then you (well, at least me!) probably start sending out "distance" vibes which Wolfie may react to subconsciously, etc, etc.

I've sort of realized that MY episode was related to h being sick for much of December. When he's not feeling well he gets depressed and much of his behavior reminds me of how he acted during the A. Ugh.

I also find that sometimes when I get feeling TOO good...like I'm close to being "over it" the feelings flare up again big time...I dunno...a defense mechanism? A don't get too high and mighty? or a don't get too high 'cause the fall will be that much worse?

There's probably some value in your figuring out what's triggering this...well, if that sort of thing works for you (seems to).

I'll also add this....yesterday I realized that I was still DEEPLY PISSED OFF about a couple of things that happened during h's a. I'm not entirely sure why they came up last night but they did (in my mind) and I was feeling MAD and then mad at ME for being MAD. Well...this AM, while I was meditating...I made one of my "intentions" to be "open with my anger". What I meant by that was this...to just feel AOK with feeling anger right now...I don't intend to DO anything about it with h...no need for that...but OTOH, I don't intend to try to squash it in my mind either. I'm pissed off and that's OK!

So....maybe "you're anxious and that's ok"?

Sage