Quote: I have so far come up with a few things: 1. I need to find ways to express that, just like we tell our kids--we may get very upset about their bad behavior but we love them (differentiate between the person and the behavior because people can't change who they are, but they can change their behavior). 2. Again, like we tell our kids, people make mistakes--they are opportunities to figure out what you would do differently next time you are faced with a similar situation. We also let them know that we trust that they are intelligent enough to learn the lessons and do different in the future. 3. I am trying to set aside my needs right now and focus on his healing and having compassion. I think that the more I do that, the more it will benefit me and our R in the long run. 4. Find ways to assure him repeatedly that I am so glad that he is home and that we have decided to work together to rebuild. 5. Assure him that we ARE going to be FINE, just like other couples who have faced and overcome problems in their M's and come out stronger for it.
Tal, that is a wonderfully articulated list of fundamental solution-oriented goals for a successful reconciliation ... it's a keeper to print out and go back to as a refresher. Gonna go laminate my copy right now...
This thread is brilliant. Thank you. I have nothing to add but admiration for the work you are doing in your M! I'm keeping your list too... along with Reuben's list. I needed to read this, was the kick in the pants I needed to get tonight. Knew I came online for a reason!
OK, for anyone who had me climbing up on anykind of pedistal around here:
OMG! I am seriously wondering if I am insane and beyond help. What is with these ups and downs of mine? I'm getting triggered all over the place. What am I, bipolar or something?
I know this post probably has 75% to do with PMS and 25% to do with running out of my anti-d's but I feel totally out of control. I am suddenly far-gone into obsessing about XOW. I even went as far as to spend good $ getting a detailed monthly cell phone report for Wolfie's cell phone.
OMG, I even went an hour out of my way driving home tonight to drive past OW's house to see if he was there instead of at work like he's suppposed to be!
I feel like such a failure and like such a loser right now.
WHY can't I get OVER IT? He wants me me be "OVER IT" and our MC told me that we should have some little ceremony and never mention "it" again (in other words: GET OVER IT!)
I have been (out of the blue) this (") close to breaking into tears for the last few days and on feeling like I'm going to have some major anxiety attacks. I'm having nightmares about H and OW again just like I had right before bomb.
I KNOW I must sound like some Drama-Queen, Borderline Personality Disordered nutbasket right now, but as soon as I start feeling like the door has closed to being able to feel safe enough to talk to Wolfie about the "uncomfortable" emotions I have sometimes--it comes out like this?? WTF???
I'm so embarrassed to write these things here--when I was doing so well just a short time ago, but you are my friends and confidents and I don't know where else to bring these thoughts and feelings except for you dear ones that I trust.
Do you have any reason to suspect your H is still involved in any way with OW?
Are there any strange signs? Do you feel it in your gut?
Has your H done enough, in your opinion, to reassure you that he and OW are over? Has he spelled out why in fact he is home now and not with OW?
What I am getting at is, are your fears general and irrational, or specific and related to evidence?
In one for the DBing books, either DR of DB, Michele talks of a couple being instructed by their C to schedule two one hour sessions a week in which the W could question her H about his affair. She was not to talk about it outside this time, and he was supposed to answer any question of hers fully and honestly.
At the first session, W asked lots of questions, and H was patient in replying. H even allowed W to go over the hour limit. After that session, W felt no more need to have another. She felt H had opened up to her and reassured her, while H felt that W wasn't going to spend every waking moment questioning him and reminding him about his A.
Perhaps you could institute something like that between you and your H?
Hope this helps.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
As I've been reminded on my thread many times..it HELPS to read about the "still present" highs and lows of success stories! I'm not saying I'm glad that you're still reeling at times..but it does remind me and others that the journey isn't in just one direction...much as we'd like it to be.
SO....it hasn't been THAT long (a month? 5 weeks?) when I had a tearful conversation with h convinced that he was still somehow involved with ow. This was after 3 weeks of internally obsessing...looking for "clues" (not snooping but just kind of taking the pulse of the r). This kind of stuff just feeds on itself...but you know that! You start feeling "off and suspicious" then you start feeling badly about that (why aren't I over it?) then you (well, at least me!) probably start sending out "distance" vibes which Wolfie may react to subconsciously, etc, etc.
I've sort of realized that MY episode was related to h being sick for much of December. When he's not feeling well he gets depressed and much of his behavior reminds me of how he acted during the A. Ugh.
I also find that sometimes when I get feeling TOO good...like I'm close to being "over it" the feelings flare up again big time...I dunno...a defense mechanism? A don't get too high and mighty? or a don't get too high 'cause the fall will be that much worse?
There's probably some value in your figuring out what's triggering this...well, if that sort of thing works for you (seems to).
I'll also add this....yesterday I realized that I was still DEEPLY PISSED OFF about a couple of things that happened during h's a. I'm not entirely sure why they came up last night but they did (in my mind) and I was feeling MAD and then mad at ME for being MAD. Well...this AM, while I was meditating...I made one of my "intentions" to be "open with my anger". What I meant by that was this...to just feel AOK with feeling anger right now...I don't intend to DO anything about it with h...no need for that...but OTOH, I don't intend to try to squash it in my mind either. I'm pissed off and that's OK!
So....maybe "you're anxious and that's ok"?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
It's totally understandable to feel that way. I still do many times. I think about it, and I have come to realize that it is my fears driving this, not anything my W is doing.
I also think part of it, is the fact that we have analyzed everything in our R to get to where we are. This constant monitoring for results has kind of trained us to over analyze everything. I keep telling myself not to read into things, because I don't have all the information and fact. We will always jump to the "worst case" unless we consciously tell our selves not to.
I think to really get to the bottom of this we have to look into our selves and ask "what benefit am I gaining by doing this?". I really feel that in cases where we come close to fully letting go of our fears about our Rs and M, that we go back to them to benefit from it in some way. Maybe we are looking for justification for our feelings and fears. Maybe we do this to try and get more attention and love from our Spouses. Maybe we want to be able to use the fears to control our spouses or the relationship.
I really believe we have to look toward God to help us through this last struggle in our journey. This is a good thing though because it gives us the sign that we are close to the end of this long tunnel. Don't let your fears keep you from seeing the light of day after you exit this tunnel. I know it's beautiful on the other side, and I won't want to go back where I came once I leave. Let the sunshine warm you as you bast in the glory of knowing you have gone through this. I hope to get there someday!
I personally would take your C advise to have a ceremony of forgiveness and letting go. I would make this a spiritual journey to make that last wonderful connection with your H. I personally would take a weekend that allow you and your H to spend a lot of time alone together to really connect again. When and if I get to this point I would like this weekend to be a religious one with a personal celebration between us in the end. Kinda like a marriage enrichment weekend.
Good luck, you are so close. Take this last "leap of faith" and know that God will be there to catch you as you land in that beautiful place of a new covenant with your H and God.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Quote: I'm so embarrassed to write these things here--when I was doing so well just a short time ago, but you are my friends and confidents and I don't know where else to bring these thoughts and feelings except for you dear ones that I trust.
Oh Tal, don't add to your worries by fretting what you post here. This is EXACTLY where to bring these thoughts too. This forum is as much about "Piecing ourselves together" as it is about "Piecing" our M's. I think you'll quickly find that the group here shares much in common when it comes to the gamut of emotions we experience. So don't please don't feel you have to censor what you post here. We want to help you, not just your M.
... and with that said ... I wish I now had something to say to help! I don't believe you can contribute it to being mostly PMS as I too go thru these cycles. The difference being I do continue to find evidence of continue contact that just perpetuates the cycle for me.
I'm happy to hear that you have found nothing that would definately continue fueling the cycle ... so listen to Sage & Reuben. Its OK to feel anxious ... but don't let it control what you do ... instead, try to lay back and ride it out and without any evidence to fuel it, it will burn itself out ... and whenever you feel its getting the better of you, COME HERE. You're not alone in what you are experiencing and someone here will share that with you. We want to help in whatever way we can.
As someone who's in the throes of PMS as we speak... I wanted to say I think there IS something to that.
BUT it's also more. I think that the normal hormone fluctuations at that time of the month just adds--for some of us anyway-- to what we're already dealing with... all this piecing of "ourselves" back together along with the M.
And if it were all an easy run up the hill, well, this BB would have a lot less posts on it, right? You're not the only one, certainly. And no less pedestal-worthy for the anxiety either, in my opinion.
I can't offer any advice... certainly none better than I'm reading here already. Just keep going forward.
The difference being I do continue to find evidence of continue contact that just perpetuates the cycle for me.