Still Struggling and need help #3

[CharlieBrown]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2342250#Post2342250

Previous thread.

Long talk over a glass of wine last night. I was right, W said she is not sure if she wants to keep going to therapy but will go today and see. In her opinion, things are better last few weeks so she has achieved her goal. Clearly in her mind, the problems in the marriage were due to me and now that I have addressed those, things are good, especially with the potential of us moving to xyz city. I said I was glad things were better, but

[CharlieBrown]

But, for me, we were just getting started on therapy and that I was still struggling with BD in March. She said "that was during dark time and I don't know that I even meant it". I probed on that and she basically said she felt desperate and that might have been to get my attention as much as a real threat. Um, ok, but I am having nightmares, there is still the whole tat-boy thing, and we haven't scratched the surface on really opening up. Hoepfully the therapist will make a convincing case this afternoon.

One another note, as we talked last night, I told her one of the things I was still struggling with was that I still didn't fully understand the XYZ City thing and the timing. I looked at her and asked if there was anything else and she said "we've been over this a million times, it is because times were better when we lived in xyz city, I am bored here, etc." I said are you sure, nothing else? "No, that's it." I came this (holding my thumb and trigger finger close) close to asking about tat-boy, but I relied on all of your coaching and kept my big yap shut.

CB

[JBolt]

Hi CB,
I hate to be pessimistic, but you don't believe any of that, do you?

[~ kd ~]

CB, your W is AT LEAST in a transition and at worst in MLC.

She's chasing after xyz city for (in her words) reasons of boredom. Certainly, we all understand that certain areas can be dead pools of culture and entertainment. Still, we make the best of it and find ways to get value out of where we are and venture into different areas to get some variety.

You are not going to convince your W with words, that moving to XYZ city may not make her happy, or that she can find happiness in the community you live. In the same way that you won't be able to use words to get W to out her fantasy or realize it for what it is, regarding tat-boy.

Personally, I have returned to places that, in the past I had really good experiences. And I found, like we all do who do this, that those times were in the past. They are gone as have many of the faces that we associate with those good times. We need to make NEW good times.

She's looking for fun times and good experiences... how are you being a beacon for those things?

[CharlieBrown]

Not really, no. I do think she was in a dark time, but I don't believe that 7 weeks later, and two weeks of ADs can change it that much. To me, telling your spouse you are not sure you want to be married is the marital equivalent of the a-bomb. You don't unleash it unless you are prepared for horrific effects. To think that she did it casually is not very likely.

CB

[CharlieBrown]

KD,

We have done a couple date nights, just the two of us, and we are doing some vacations and other fun things. This Saturday night we are going out with two other couples to a restaraunt here that we really like (wait, I thought she said only XYZ city had great restaraunts...). I'm trying, but haven't gone in and tatted 1/2 my body yet!

CB

[~ kd ~]

I will comment that, even though she may be giving you lip service in saying that she is in a better place now, it could also be a positive. If she is feeling any type of pleasure out of being out with you or doing things with you, her mind can try to twist that all she wants, but she can not erase it.

The point is, we will sometimes hear the WAS / MLCer say something about having lost their passion. While that is most likely depression speaking, they still have passion. We see it in how they can take on partying or D or an AP with great gusto and verve.

She is missing a passion for where she is. She's directing that energy at XYZ city and possibly tat-boy.

She will only look within when she looks within. Until then... only a spark or bright, guiding light, may get her passion for staying to be more than her passion for leaving.

[CharlieBrown]

Have to leave for counseling in 1/2 hour and struggling to come up with a strategy. I am obviously frustrated by tat-boy, comments about her not sure if she wants to continue, etc. Yet, I think it is important to go in with a PMA and appear strong, not pathetic. Suggestions?

[reachingHigher]

CB, I was just at MC yesterday with my H and it was really a good session. But if I had advice for myself for next time, it would be "listen, listen, listen.". Sometimes I'm so anxious to get my point (or my hurt feelings) across I miss so much and don't give the opoortunity to listen and learn.

[CharlieBrown]

Thanks RH. That is a good strategy. When I am in a negative mood, I don't listen well and get more argumentative. Just don't want to go in feeling so down.