JP... you asked how u can do that while still giving her time?
just as Sayitaintso suggested:
"Wife, I am no longer able to be in a relationship with you as long as you are with another man"
And then back away and try to again place the focus on yourself.
CAN YOU DO THIS JP????? CAN YOU??
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I am ready to stand by my decision, yet I don't want her to make a choice to stay with me and break off their relationship causing her to resent me.
I think I want to sate that I don't accept their relationship and that I am not pushing for divorce and want to giver her time.
The problem I see is that it feels like I am giving in to her keeping him for now.
I wish I truly knew what their relationship was or why she feels she needs him still.
This is frustrating and I am not sure how to word it all so that I am clear but not saying I want a divorce.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
JP... you asked how u can do that while still giving her time?
just as Sayitaintso suggested:
"Wife, I am no longer able to be in a relationship with you as long as you are with another man"
And then back away and try to again place the focus on yourself.
CAN YOU DO THIS JP????? CAN YOU??
She is asking if we are done, wont this say yes if you stay friends with him? or force her to end it and then resent me, which she said right now she would?
She wants time and idk how to hold my ground and state that is ok
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
First of all, YOU don't get to decide if she is with him or not. YOU don't even get a vote. YOUR opinion doesn't matter here.
She wants time ....give it, give her more than you have to give. Ultimately you want her to decide she wants YOU! This can only happen on HER terms.
How to hold your ground... by stating you will no longer be in a rel'p as long as she is with another man. This states YOUR boundary.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Maybe I am just not getting it, but if I just say that I think she will figure I mean that she has to decide right now.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Why oh why are you trying so hard to make something happen right now? It is not going to work in your favor.
First of all, are you ready for her? Are you all done improving yourself? Are you the man you want to be? Have you taken full advantage of the time and space you have here, to separate yourself from her and build yourself up from scratch to a complete man, a whole healthy partner? I think the answer would be no.
Second, she is telling you over and over that she hasn't figured herself out yet. If you want to take a stand, NOW, that you won't be in a relationship with her (what does that mean right now anyway?) if she is with OM, then OK, she's got a choice to make right now. And you aren't going to like it either way. She leaves him and resents you and you're back here in 6 months, or she leaves you, for good. You are LUCKY that she is saying she wants time. Why don't you get OUT of her business and let her have time, and stop trying to dictate what it looks like.
What's the worst that can happen, an EA? Already happened. Be strong, and give her time and space and see if you can be grateful for the space to fix yourself.
I am so sad that you think you're not good without a woman to make you feel good. I'm paraphrasing from many posts up, but I saw that. Guess who's making you feel so bad, that you can't be alone? Who's there when you're alone? PLEASE get to work on that guy. You don't have to fear anyone but your own self, and you have the power to change and control yourself. That is GOOD NEWS.
I have found in my separation that a lot of the habits and mental patterns that held me in bondage in my marriage and damaged my self esteem were cemented by the fact that my marriage was forever. I couldn't get enough space and perspective to see myself differently than I had become in my marriage. My H left in December, and I am occasionally feeling really different. I walk into the grocery store and feel happy and confident and not fearful of what I'm going to buy wrong...I feel like I'm walking on clouds. I work in the garden and I am no longer surrounded by the crush of "you're doing it wrong" "that's the wrong tool" "roundup would work better" or just plain disregard of my efforts. My story is not your story, but I hope my example can show you.... with some (enforced) space, I am beginning to feel like it is possible to rewrite my life. It is possible to feel good about myself all the time. It is possible to reinvent my role. And I feel like when that happens, it will be the real me. It won't go away next time I'm with someone. It will be who I bring to that relationship. Just for a moment think that next relationship might be with my H...I'll be bringing this new me, the confident one that feels good, and I'll know differently where my boundaries are, and will know what to say when they're crossed. It will be a brand new relationship. (Not happening, just a hypothetical example.)
For you, understand - that is HOW you get to create a new relationship with your W from the ground up, one where you're not locked in the box of being controlling and someone who wouldn't let her have friends. Take this space and use it to rebuild yourself, and stop worrying about what she's doing. She's on her journey, you're on yours. You can take a lot of hope in the fact that she describes you as someone she loved and loves, and married, and she leaves the door open that she might want to be with you again. But it shouldn't be the old you, or you two won't make it. So let her go, and work on you. Can you see that?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
W talking to sister " I didn't realize how hard I had fallen for him. He is so cute" "OM said he came looking for me 10 years ago" (before he married current W)
Man, this is tough. Its so easy to look back and arm chair quarterback. You know, someone from your past who you were infatuated with or had a crush on, but wouldnt give you the time of day then...talks to you decades later and brings on the charm? BARF! Man is that one of the oldest pick up tricks ever! Maybe he did, maybe he didnt, but by him telling her he "came looking for her" 10 yrs ago is so disingenuous.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Why oh why are you trying so hard to make something happen right now? It is not going to work in your favor.
First of all, are you ready for her? Are you all done improving yourself? Are you the man you want to be? Have you taken full advantage of the time and space you have here, to separate yourself from her and build yourself up from scratch to a complete man, a whole healthy partner? I think the answer would be no.
Second, she is telling you over and over that she hasn't figured herself out yet. If you want to take a stand, NOW, that you won't be in a relationship with her (what does that mean right now anyway?) if she is with OM, then OK, she's got a choice to make right now. And you aren't going to like it either way. She leaves him and resents you and you're back here in 6 months, or she leaves you, for good. You are LUCKY that she is saying she wants time. Why don't you get OUT of her business and let her have time, and stop trying to dictate what it looks like.
What's the worst that can happen, an EA? Already happened. Be strong, and give her time and space and see if you can be grateful for the space to fix yourself.
I am so sad that you think you're not good without a woman to make you feel good. I'm paraphrasing from many posts up, but I saw that. Guess who's making you feel so bad, that you can't be alone? Who's there when you're alone? PLEASE get to work on that guy. You don't have to fear anyone but your own self, and you have the power to change and control yourself. That is GOOD NEWS.
I have found in my separation that a lot of the habits and mental patterns that held me in bondage in my marriage and damaged my self esteem were cemented by the fact that my marriage was forever. I couldn't get enough space and perspective to see myself differently than I had become in my marriage. My H left in December, and I am occasionally feeling really different. I walk into the grocery store and feel happy and confident and not fearful of what I'm going to buy wrong...I feel like I'm walking on clouds. I work in the garden and I am no longer surrounded by the crush of "you're doing it wrong" "that's the wrong tool" "roundup would work better" or just plain disregard of my efforts. My story is not your story, but I hope my example can show you.... with some (enforced) space, I am beginning to feel like it is possible to rewrite my life. It is possible to feel good about myself all the time. It is possible to reinvent my role. And I feel like when that happens, it will be the real me. It won't go away next time I'm with someone. It will be who I bring to that relationship. Just for a moment think that next relationship might be with my H...I'll be bringing this new me, the confident one that feels good, and I'll know differently where my boundaries are, and will know what to say when they're crossed. It will be a brand new relationship. (Not happening, just a hypothetical example.)
For you, understand - that is HOW you get to create a new relationship with your W from the ground up, one where you're not locked in the box of being controlling and someone who wouldn't let her have friends. Take this space and use it to rebuild yourself, and stop worrying about what she's doing. She's on her journey, you're on yours. You can take a lot of hope in the fact that she describes you as someone she loved and loves, and married, and she leaves the door open that she might want to be with you again. But it shouldn't be the old you, or you two won't make it. So let her go, and work on you. Can you see that?
Thank you.
You are correct.
Thank you.
What would you suggest I say to my W at this juncture, in response to what has been said to the point?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Me:34 W:26 Together:5yrs M:6/4/11 1st bomb 11/11 2nd bomb 1/21/13 W files for D 3/18/13 She's living with her mom S:13 Previous marriage S:11 Previous marriage She has OM Previous FWB
