DM45 LBS 4

[Dm45]

No, I did not have a revelation that her adultery, tearing up our family, was right. Nor that continuing down this path is right.

I had a revelation about the way our marriage was. Me not providing enough support. Me being controlling, manipulating, and when that didn't work bullying. She was right and is right about that.

I guess maybe I don't believe she knows what's right...I didn't know where I was going wrong. Rationalized parts of it, other parts I was blind. I have huge regrets, and huge desire to make things different.

So, we "met". Not really a meeting.
No arrangements were made. I had to just show up at the dentist appointment for S16. Very short visit, just impression taken to send to lab. Conversation virtually none. How's work, etc.

Once we got outside I asked where do you want to go to talk? (S went and sat in car)
She said she can't she has C.
Me:last Friday you told me today was the day you could talk about what's best for S.
W: I know. But I have to be at counseling at 11. (this was a lie her appt was at 12)
Me:it's 920 now we can at least get a start.
W:I have other things to get done.
Me:well at least tell me what it is you think is best for S.
W:I want him to stay with me.
Me:well it's obvious there is nothing I can do about that and youve gotten what you want. Is he going to school?
W:Yes I'm taking him.
Me: where is he after school?
W: my sister is helping with that.
Me: well we still need to talk about this.
W: I don't want to now. Not without 3rd party.
Me: let's go do it at C
W: you want to meet me there at noon? (before she said it was 11am)
Me: sure
W:I don't want to do that she's not expecting that.
Me:well let's drop S off at school and talk now we've waste 10 minutes talking about not talking.

Back and forth, back and forth.

I asked why we couldn't talk it over ourselves. Does she even know if and how I object on this issue. She admitted she doesn't know. That she's afraid I'll bully her..........., I said I am completely powerless in this issue, and all other issues. She has decided to keep him with her. I have no say. How can I possibly bully.

She said she's just afraid to discuss alone. I said what are you afraid I'll do to you? She said not physically but twist her words around. I think that means she knows I have valid points that she wants to ignore.

I asked why she had hired lawyer. She said to get S staying with her. I asked why she had paid $100's to L when we hadn't even discussed. She said it was a free consultation and she assumed I was against it. Her assumption is right, but we don't need L to figure that out.

I asked what role she saw a third party having. She doesn't know.

I said I don't think it's ok to have him there seeing her go off to bed with that man at night, or asked if she thought it was ok. Don't remember which.

She said how do you know what I do. I said you don't deny it and I have to assume.

At one point she said let her go pack up her things and move back. I said ok. I said I didn't bring it up you did. Are you really going to do it? She said no because it would be because it's what I want not her. I said there is nothing keeping you from doing it. I said do it because it's right. I said I've done many things I didn't want to do but did them because they were right.

Several times she said she's just a puppet. I'd like to know who's pulling those strings. I am the puppet. I have no say in how my marriage turns out at this point.

Toward the end I said she was on Planet W(used her name here). Got a facial reaction. She hates any implication or accusation that she is selfish. So i said I messed up in our marriage and hurt her terribly. Now she's hurting herself and everyone else with her own selfish decisions.

Asked if she was really thinking the future through with her actions.

I have no idea what order all of this conversation was in.

Why didn't I validate anything at all she said. Or, when she said she cant talk, say oh, darn when is a better time? Maybe then she wouldnt insist on 3rd party. Because I thought we would have time to talk, discuss. I always feel like time is my enemy, that the longer this goes on, the less chance we have for R.

I know I'm still trying to use logic where logic supposedly does no good. Don't know what else to do, how else to act.

I am so hopping mad. But in a few minutes or hours I will be back in fear and grieving out of control. Angry is where I feel right. But I know I'm not right. About some things, yes. But not how I handled today.

Immediately visited pastor after. Finagled an IC session for tomorrow.

Pastor said God won't help until I let go and let him be God. WTH do I do with my mental and emotional energy when it feels wrong to focus on anything but the fact that we've screwed up our lives and need to fix it?