I really stepped on it, and am asking for help

[SFC_Swede]

Cont...

So the one thing I havent divulged previously is that she has been guarding her cell phone like a hawk since 12 April that I noticed. It drove me nuts. It wasnt like her to carry it everywhere and not put it on the nightstand. It was always either in her pocket or bra...and she even took it into the shower with her, and slept with it. It completely fed my imagination and paranoia. I go to her laptop, and the IE history is deleted (Not that I think that she is stupid enough to use the family CPU after getting caught the 1st time). She has access to a computer at work...and with these smart phones today...who really needs a CPU to contact someone else clandestinely?

So I talked to my T about it and they told me to confront her about it. BAD ADVICE. because I did, in a non accusatory way on 1 May 2013...I just wanted the truth. Well it went to pot from there into a full blown argument. I awoke the next day to her rings and a note telling me she is filing for a D, and it was over.

After a cooling off period, she agreed to allow me to stay in the home as long as I left her alone. I have no real income (part time jobs), savings, or a place to go, so I agreed. The next day she started separating the bills, including our cell phone policy. She also opened another account for me, and told me she would start putting any money I get in there, and I would have the only card for it.

I made up my mind that day after taking to my T to completely stop spying. It was driving me nuts, and getting me no where, and even if I got whatever answer I was looking for...what difference would it make in reality? Its been a week and I feel better. yeah, the gut pangs are there, but it is getting easier to ignore. I more or less detached without knowing it.

And then I found this site, along with others. I chose this one to focus on the join, and went and bought DR at the store. I have read many of your sitch's and posts. Many words of wisdom here. Now a week later...things are even keel. She is still distant, but opening up a little. We have brief conversations about her work, son, things that need to be done. She even watched Tv with me one night.

But I know those walls are as high and thick as the Great Wall of China. I am not sure there is any saving this M as she is focusing on every bad thing I have ever done going back to 2001, and not all the changes I have made, and great things I have done for her. I know after bearing my soul here, many of you will think I am a horrible dude. I am not. I told you mostly the bad, and very little of the good. Because I learned a long time ago, it only takes one Awh crap to erase 1000 at a boys.

Well...fire away. I have thick skin and more interested in bettering myself than being embarrassed about my past.