"Wife, I am no longer able to be in a relationship with you as long as you are with another man"
Whilst I agree with this, I do think that you should expand and think about your words a bit here..
Wife, I will no longer allow MYSELF , to be in a relationship, where my partner chooses to engage herself physically, and emotionally with another man....
JP, if you can say this, and actually mean what you say, and your actions can back it up, then you are not stating a boundary to punish her in any way.
You are saying it to protect yourself, and the marriage.
You aren't saying who she can be friends with that way, you are only stating that IF she continues to make that choice (physically and emotionally), then you will not be around her....
So...what are you prepared to do IF she chooses to continue this behavior ???
I'm pretty sure that enforcing the boundary, is the most important part of it....
Don't ring a bell, if you don't like the way it sounds. Cause it can't be un-rung.....
M: I'll text you later W, I can't focus right now.
W: R U saying we r done?
M: I'm saying I will text you later. Right now I am ill.
W: Ok I am sorry JP with all my heart.
End
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
"Wife, I am no longer able to be in a relationship with you as long as you are with another man"
Whilst I agree with this, I do think that you should expand and think about your words a bit here..
Wife, I will no longer allow MYSELF , to be in a relationship, where my partner chooses to engage herself physically, and emotionally with another man....
JP, if you can say this, and actually mean what you say, and your actions can back it up, then you are not stating a boundary to punish her in any way.
You are saying it to protect yourself, and the marriage.
You aren't saying who she can be friends with that way, you are only stating that IF she continues to make that choice (physically and emotionally), then you will not be around her....
So...what are you prepared to do IF she chooses to continue this behavior ???
I'm pretty sure that enforcing the boundary, is the most important part of it....
Don't ring a bell, if you don't like the way it sounds. Cause it can't be un-rung.....
It isn't physical and if i say emotional she wont see it, I dont think. He lives in another state.
I am on the line right now idk. Her being in communication with him as friends or lovers is something I can not accept. She wants more time. I am lost
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
(((HUGS))) JP 1111... there are positives in her message:
1) part of me is asking for time
2) I know I am asking you to wait
3) I don't want to resent you
4) Your the what I know, your the one I married, your the one that I have loved and still do
jp, can you NOW back off and leave her alone? before you push her away completely???
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I am calm for me, I am a hamster after a big lunch.
How do I state my boundaries with her and OM and give her time?
Or can I do that?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
W: On the OM topic... a couple of things i guess. Please remember this is my side and my feelings. Yes I very much so understand your side and points. You have always controlled this, You say I can have friends, but that is not really true. Because I have been accused of having an affair with almost every male that I have ever talked to. So why not keep a friend that I want to and that has always been in my life when I feel that you will never "allow" me to really be able to talk to another male person without having an affair. Heck it hasn't been guys for that matter. So I guess one thing is I am a grown woman and can talk to or be friends with who I want to. You don't have to like that but... if that is your line then maybe you need to make a decision if you can live with me being friends with him or not. I can't make that decision for you. It is hard because I feel that I have given up so much regular freedom that I know I have messed up badly but I don't know that I want to give up somethings either.
M: Well it is a line for me. So I guess since you put it that I need to make a decision. I can not live with you being friends with someone you were involved with like you and OM.
M: I do understand your side. You need to be able to be friends with whoever you want. I need to trust you. I can not live with you and OM being friends after what happened, knowing your feelings you had for him It isn't fair to me. This is not me trying to control you, I wish you could see that. I also don't want you to make a choice that you will resent me for. I guess that means we are over. This makes me sick.
W: I do see that JP. I do see the "unfairness" or "fairness" on different angles and sides. part of me is asking for time is just that so I can have clear thoughts, get past lots of crap and make real choices of what is best for me. I know I am asking you to wait and maybe that isn't fair. IDK the right answers. I don't want to resent you at all. Right now I would. Be it right or wrong. I know that you think I am doing all of this to chose him over you and that is so false that it makes me sick, I do think you need to make a decision for yourself as that is what I am trying to do for myself. Your the what I know, your the one I married, your the one that I have loved and still do. But it's not fair for you to sit and wait for me to figure out me when it kills you and you don't want to live over it. W: JP?
M: I'll text you later W, I can't focus right now.
W: R U saying we r done?
M: I'm saying I will text you later. Right now I am ill.
W: Ok I am sorry JP with all my heart.
End
She grew up with OM as a youth.
They lost touch for twenty years.
They had an EA from December 2012 to Feb 2013, maybe current, but she says no.
The EA was texting all day during the week and sending graphic pics and talking about everything imaginable.
I intervened twice and OM became scared that I would expose this to his W. He is married with a D7
When I found out I told W him or me and she said she would not give him up.
OM is one who said they needed to be just friends.
She has said before that he is something that she needs.
Some things I saw in text when I snooped:
W talking to sister " I didn't realize how hard I had fallen for him. He is so cute" "OM said he came looking for me 10 years ago" (before he married current W)
W texting oldest D "OM makes me feel so irresistible, wanted and good, your dad does that too, but it feel annoying"
Those were from Feb 2013. He lives in another state Emotional and pictures, not physical.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
W: On the OM topic... a couple of things i guess. Please remember this is my side and my feelings. Yes I very much so understand your side and points. You have always controlled this, You say I can have friends, but that is not really true. Because I have been accused of having an affair with almost every male that I have ever talked to. So why not keep a friend that I want to and that has always been in my life when I feel that you will never "allow" me to really be able to talk to another male person without having an affair. Heck it hasn't been guys for that matter. So I guess one thing is I am a grown woman and can talk to or be friends with who I want to. You don't have to like that but... if that is your line then maybe you need to make a decision if you can live with me being friends with him or not. I can't make that decision for you. It is hard because I feel that I have given up so much regular freedom that I know I have messed up badly but I don't know that I want to give up somethings either.
M: Well it is a line for me. So I guess since you put it that I need to make a decision. I can not live with you being friends with someone you were involved with like you and OM.
M: I do understand your side. You need to be able to be friends with whoever you want. I need to trust you. I can not live with you and OM being friends after what happened, knowing your feelings you had for him It isn't fair to me. This is not me trying to control you, I wish you could see that. I also don't want you to make a choice that you will resent me for. I guess that means we are over. This makes me sick.
W: I do see that JP. I do see the "unfairness" or "fairness" on different angles and sides. part of me is asking for time is just that so I can have clear thoughts, get past lots of crap and make real choices of what is best for me. I know I am asking you to wait and maybe that isn't fair. IDK the right answers. I don't want to resent you at all. Right now I would. Be it right or wrong. I know that you think I am doing all of this to chose him over you and that is so false that it makes me sick, I do think you need to make a decision for yourself as that is what I am trying to do for myself. Your the what I know, your the one I married, your the one that I have loved and still do. But it's not fair for you to sit and wait for me to figure out me when it kills you and you don't want to live over it. W: JP?
M: I'll text you later W, I can't focus right now.
W: R U saying we r done?
M: I'm saying I will text you later. Right now I am ill.
W: Ok I am sorry JP with all my heart.
End
She grew up with OM as a youth.
They lost touch for twenty years.
They had an EA from December 2012 to Feb 2013, maybe current, but she says no.
The EA was texting all day during the week and sending graphic pics and talking about everything imaginable.
I intervened twice and OM became scared that I would expose this to his W. He is married with a D7
When I found out I told W him or me and she said she would not give him up.
OM is one who said they needed to be just friends.
She has said before that he is something that she needs.
Some things I saw in text when I snooped:
W talking to sister " I didn't realize how hard I had fallen for him. He is so cute" "OM said he came looking for me 10 years ago" (before he married current W)
W texting oldest D "OM makes me feel so irresistible, wanted and good, your dad does that too, but it feel annoying"
Those were from Feb 2013. He lives in another state Emotional and pictures, not physical.
I know that it is easier said than done. Please do anything to calm down. Ask yourself this: in my current state of mind, is there any positive that can come from a conversation with W right now? If you are honest, you would answer no. Give yourself time to calm down and not answer on pure emotions.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
