A New Me 4

[MrCAS]

Well, I was referring to a 2x4... However, after reading it as a stand alone statement... Ooops.

[jp787]

Yea...I have drilled it into your head...

So let me ask you this...

Why does SHE, get to dictate what kind of mood that YOU want to be in, by her actions ???

Because I rely on her for my happiness.

Why do you give her that kind of power over you ???

Fear of loosing her or maybe guilt for what I have done.

I think that your fear is exactly the opposite of what you think that it is....

I think that you fear becoming complete, way more than you fear being alone. I think it scares the bejeezus out of you, to think that YOU might become complete, and she won't.

So I think you are holding yourself back, so that you can somehow, be right where she left you.

Is that where you want to be ?? The guy you were a few months ago ???

No I hate feeling like this.

Honestly IDK what it is or would be like or how to be complete. I think I need to have something else there to make me feel safe and by safe I think I mean comfortable.

And about being alone ??

Yea, you are kinda already doing that ( if you remove your texting finger), so why the hell does that scare you ?

It hasn't killed you yet, has it ??

Not worried about dying. I certainly am terrified of being alone, but maybe more about being rejected, not wanted, not good enough.

Then why be afraid of it ??

It hurts

Well I can tell you this JP, you can't lead from behind...

One thing today...for you. Something new....


???

I'll have to think about it, nothing comes to mind.

I hate trying to think about why all of these questions of why I am afraid or why I give her the power or why I am this or that. Don't get me wrong, I want to know, I want to change, I want to be different/better, but I look into myself and don't know the answers and it makes me feel like a failure or I look and say well maybe this is why I am doing this or act this way, but that doesn't fix or change anything.

Here is an example. Last night I go to pick up D from church at 9pm (ends at 9pm). She text me at 9:05 saying they are running a little late, sorry. I text ok, no problem, in my head I am like no problem and she was thoughtful enough to text me to let me know.

9:35 comes and I text her, almost? and she text back kinda, going longer than I thought, sorry. I text back, K. In my head I am going this is stupid, I am sitting her for 30 min have a headache and just want to go home. I start to think negative, selfish.

9:50 and she comes out and gets in my truck, says sorry dad, I didn't know it was going to be this long. By now I am pissed off and thinking I have just wasted an hour waiting here and poor me. I took it personal.

We drive home and I give her the silent treatment, just so she knows I am not happy, but feel justified doing that since I am not telling her I am mad.

So I go to pick up my D who I love and adore from church. It is running late and she has zero control over that and on top of that she is apologetic and thoughtful letting me know that she is running late. I get mad, how dare I be inconvenienced and only think about me. I also punish my D for me feeling the way I did. I have taught her how to be an a55 like Dad.

On top of all of that I was thinking in my head, this isn't her fault, why am I upset and don't get mad at her, what do I do? fail, I give her the silent treatment for something I did in my head.

So I look inside for answers, why?

I look inside to change, I don't want to be like this, I don't want to act this way, I don't want to think this way, but it doesn't change.

I was able to see I was wrong and yet my emotions won.

I feel like I have rambled.

It's like I can give myself a pep talk in my head, but when it comes time to preform, my emotions win, always.

[jp787]

And I can not remove my thoughts from W and OM. It is always there, always a cloud of pain and hurt over me.

[makingmagic]

jp... have you ever heard about the secret? positive thinking? power of now?

the more you dwell and focus on the pain, the longer it will hurt. TRY to start feeling OK with things. I know it hurts, ALOT...so do I. BUT, when I have a negative thought, I try to focus on the present (not the past, not the future) and just get through the moment. I try to vision a better scenario for myself and look for happiness in that. I also say a few mantras:

1) I deserve better
2) I am a GREAT person, I deserve better.
3) If h doesn't see it, appreciate it...it's really HIS LOSS.

STOP dwelling in negatives... The law of attraction WORKS. If you focus on the bad day you are having, you will continue to have a bad day. If you try to find positives and appreciate the good things in a day, the more you will find. PROMISE!!

[Jeack]

And I can not remove my thoughts from W and OM. It is always there, always a cloud of pain and hurt over me.

I'm with you on this one!! I'm having one of those down days. And the constant thought of my W with OM can be torture. Just trying like you to find a way to block it out.

Sometimes I make pretend in my head that I left her. But it's not easy

[jp787]

Looks like I blew it.

W: On the OM topic... a couple of things i guess. Please remember this is my side and my feelings. Yes I very much so understand your side and points.
You have always controlled this, You say I can have friends, but that is not really true. Because I have been accused of having an affair with almost every male that I have ever talked to. So why not keep a friend that I want to and that has always been in my life when I feel that you will never "allow" me to really be able to talk to another male person without having an affair.
Heck it hasn't been guys for that matter.
So I guess one thing is I am a grown woman and can talk to or be friends with who I want to. You don't have to like that but... if that is your line then maybe you need to make a decision if you can live with me being friends with him or not. I can't make that decision for you.
It is hard because I feel that I have given up so much regular freedom that I know I have messed up badly but I don't know that I want to give up somethings either.

M: Well it is a line for me. So I guess since you put it that I need to make a decision. I can not live with you being friends with someone you were involved with like you and OM.

M: I do understand your side. You need to be able to be friends with whoever you want. I need to trust you. I can not live with you and OM being friends after what happened, knowing your feelings you had for him It isn't fair to me. This is not me trying to control you, I wish you could see that. I also don't want you to make a choice that you will resent me for. I guess that means we are over. This makes me sick.

No response.

I am shaking.

[jp787]

W: On the OM topic... a couple of things i guess. Please remember this is my side and my feelings. Yes I very much so understand your side and points.
You have always controlled this, You say I can have friends, but that is not really true. Because I have been accused of having an affair with almost every male that I have ever talked to. So why not keep a friend that I want to and that has always been in my life when I feel that you will never "allow" me to really be able to talk to another male person without having an affair.
Heck it hasn't been guys for that matter.
So I guess one thing is I am a grown woman and can talk to or be friends with who I want to. You don't have to like that but... if that is your line then maybe you need to make a decision if you can live with me being friends with him or not. I can't make that decision for you.
It is hard because I feel that I have given up so much regular freedom that I know I have messed up badly but I don't know that I want to give up somethings either.

M: Well it is a line for me. So I guess since you put it that I need to make a decision. I can not live with you being friends with someone you were involved with like you and OM.

M: I do understand your side. You need to be able to be friends with whoever you want. I need to trust you. I can not live with you and OM being friends after what happened, knowing your feelings you had for him It isn't fair to me. This is not me trying to control you, I wish you could see that. I also don't want you to make a choice that you will resent me for. I guess that means we are over. This makes me sick.

W: I do see that JP. I do see the "unfairness" or "fairness" on different angles and sides.
part of me is asking for time is just that so I can have clear thoughts, get past lots of crap and make real choices of what is best for me.
I know I am asking you to wait and maybe that isn't fair.
IDK the right answers. I don't want to resent you at all. Right now I would. Be it right or wrong. I know that you think I am doing all of this to chose him over you and that is so false that it makes me sick, I do think you need to make a decision for yourself as that is what I am trying to do for myself.
Your the what I know, your the one I married, your the one that I have loved and still do.
But it's not fair for you to sit and wait for me to figure out me when it kills you and you don't want to live over it.

I have not replied.

I need help please, from all and Sandi2 if you reading, please add your thoughts.

[sayitaintso]

Hey JP- Try to take a breath if you can. This correspondense is not going to make or break anything.

IMO I would stop engaging your w at this point. I think maybe if this was down the road and you were further along that you may be able to benefit from getting some insight into how shes feeling at this time.

However, this is causing you extreme pain and right now I think it would be best to back away.

I think it is best for you to state however you choose but something along the lines of-

"Wife, I am no longer able to be in a relationship with you as long as you are with another man"

And then back away and try to again place the focus on yourself.

[jp787]

She grew up with OM as a youth.

They lost touch for twenty years.

They had an EA from December 2012 to Feb 2013, maybe current, but she says no.

The EA was texting all day during the week and sending graphic pics and talking about everything imaginable.

I intervened twice and OM became scared that I would expose this to his W. He is married with a D7

When I found out I told W him or me and she said she would not give him up.

OM is one who said they needed to be just friends.

She has said before that he is something that she needs.

Some things I saw in text when I snooped:

W talking to sister " I didn't realize how hard I had fallen for him. He is so cute" "OM said he came looking for me 10 years ago" (before he married current W)

W texting oldest D "OM makes me feel so irresistible, wanted and good, your dad does that too, but it feel annoying"

Those were from Feb 2013.

[Mach1]

I have not replied.

Keep it that way, until you are not running on pure emotion...