I really stepped on it, and am asking for help

[SFC_Swede]

So here we are to the present. I know 4 posts of history can be boring, and TMI...and I am sure some of you at this point are horrified...but in the interest of truly growing, I think full disclosure is best at this point, and avoids dragging this out over a dozen pages.

Anyway...I KNOW chewing tobacco is a no fly zone with the W. I try, trust me I TRY and quit. But I keep getting sucked back in. The depression isnt helping as the unanswered job applications pile up without a single interview. I stopped answering the phone, opening mail, checking email, avoiding people, not doing work around the house, ect. I pulled back, became weak, and needy. My W became more of a mother or friend than my W. And that was MY fault.

We went on a family vacation to the Florida Keys the first week of April. She caught me chewing, and in her mind severed everything right then and there. She waited until the end of the vacation to inform me of this decision, which floored me and made me think she deserved an Oscar for her performance during the Vaca...we had great sex, and I detected nothing wrong. She said she removed all the supposed reasons I chewed. I had her attention. We were having fun as a family. In her mind there was no stress, so why did I do it, and she now sees that there is no possible future with me.

She explained to me that she no longer cared about the R. That over the years, every time I stumbled or let her down a string of trust was cut. A little of her love for me died or was harder to get back. That was on 12 Apr 2013. I avoided her, and backed off. Sure there were some begging sessions, and pleas...but I recognize I am hip deep in doo doo, and knew I wasnt going to make it any better. We went about our daily lives...and while not horrible were far from ideal. She kept her distance as much as possible, and only talked to me really about our S and tasks that needed to be done.

15 thru 19 April she went to Minnesota for a business trip. During the trip I tried to keep the texts to a minimum, but it killed me that she barely texted me at all. After her return, we had sex on the 24th. She texted me and said it was nice, and I took it as a good sign. 26 to 28 April she went to a bachelorette party out of town, once again barely texting me while gone...and left me struggling to not smother.

Cont...