The Year of Seismic Activity

[cruiserrg]

I have so far come up with a few things:
1. I need to find ways to express that, just like we tell our kids--we may get very upset about their bad behavior but we love them (differentiate between the person and the behavior because people can't change who they are, but they can change their behavior).
2. Again, like we tell our kids, people make mistakes--they are opportunities to figure out what you would do differently next time you are faced with a similar situation. We also let them know that we trust that they are intelligent enough to learn the lessons and do different in the future.
3. I am trying to set aside my needs right now and focus on his healing and having compassion. I think that the more I do that, the more it will benefit me and our R in the long run.
4. Find ways to assure him repeatedly that I am so glad that he is home and that we have decided to work together to rebuild.
5. Assure him that we ARE going to be FINE, just like other couples who have faced and overcome problems in their M's and come out stronger for it.

What things are coming to mind for the rest of you who are pondering the WA spouse's fears?

Tal,

Thanks for stopping by my thread.

I have been thinking of this a lot. I like your list and more specific comments and communication would help.

Right now the thing I focus the most on is making my W comfortable around me and in our home. As much as we have to not pressure our WA while working for them to come home, this task is even more important when they do come home. You absolutely have to make your home a safe place for them, otherwise it won't be a place they want to be and will resent you really quick.

I find if I talk about the R in our home, or give the slightest impression I am pressuring or making her feel guilty, she finds the need to be out. This part of the dynamic is VERY VERY fragile, and must be handled with up most care.

Another aspect to this is allowing my W to feel safe around me. I have to take steps to she is comfortable and safe around me as well. I do several things to help with this:

1). I openly communicate my love for her and my appreciation for EVERY baby step I see (at appropriate times). Its like a small reward for taking a step closer to us reconnecting.

2). When she talks with me I really work hard to listen to her and understand and validate her feelings. This is to foster the safety for her to open up about her feelings. I NEVER try to fix things, and even if I think it would sound like it I make a point to explain I am not trying to. I went more deeply into this in the "failure to communicate" thread in newcomers.

3). I do everything I can to give her the space and time she needs. I no longer say anything negative about her coming in late or spending a lot of time with friends. She needs this for healing, just like I need time as well. I make it a point to ask if she had fun (even at 2:00 am) and let her tell me about her outing. She aft first didn't, but now does because of her comfort with it. I also tell her when going out without me to say hi to her friends for me. Another trick is when I go to bed I text her a goodnight message. I never call, because I don't know the sitch she is in and she doesn't have to respond or break away from what she is doing, and can keep it private between us. This is working really well.

4). I usually ask before showing any physical affection or pause before kissing her to give her the chance to have it on her terms. I usually try to let her approach me for now. I know at some point she will want me to initiate more, but not now.

5). I NEVER talk about my fears about our R, our when I feel discouraged. She already knows I can get like this. When I feel this way she usually can tell, but if not I just ask for a hug. In some ways I think she knows what its for but we still don't talk about it.

6). I let her know that I am here for her whenever she needs me and can talk with me anytime. I work hard to create an environment for this. I take care of anything that I see needs to be done, and help her right when she asks for it. Example, I did all the laundry yesterday so she could go out and have fun with friends.

7). Also, and is probably apparent in my above comments, I make her feel trusted by my words and actions. I don't come right out and say it, as I'm still at a point where I act "as if". But I also don't get upset or distant when she is in sitch where I would not trust her. I put that off knowing when we finally connect fully again in our M that she will not put me in those places as much, plus our R will be more secure as I will also be. I just wait for this and know it will come.

8). Lastly, I work hard to lovingly detach from the things that would bother me (some of her actions). I have come to the point where I am fine doing things alone when she is gone. I got comfortable when she was gone, and look for times alone now as well. I use the time she is out, to continue to reflect and work on me for our M and to study on bettering our R. I don't pressure her to work on things with me, but I continue to learn. (more on this in another thread of mine)

This is a great discussion and I would like to hear more from others struggling with this, and what you all find works, and what doesn't. Thats because at this stage, I am good with myself and where I am at. I know even if things didn't work out, I would go on and be happy. She is the one right now dealing with everything. I am now the one trying to lessen the load of the cross she is caring.

We have a lot to deal with, but remember we have had since the bomb to come to terms with everything. The WAs usually don't begin this journey until they actually come home and commit to working on the R, we are much further along than they are. They need the time to heal and come to terms with their struggles. This is an even bigger mountain than we ever climbed, because their actions went against their character, morals, convictions, and alienated their whole life. As much as I struggled, I have compassion for my W as her struggle has been much greater and will be much greater than mine. I can look into the mirror and be proud of the things I have done and how I handled this. My W cannot, and she will have to seek Gods forgiveness before she can do so again and feel good about herself (At least this is what I believe, she has never told me this).

Take care all and keep caring your cross, and help your WAs with theirs.