A New Me 4

[jp787]

Yea...I have drilled it into your head...

So let me ask you this...

Why does SHE, get to dictate what kind of mood that YOU want to be in, by her actions ???

Because I rely on her for my happiness.

Why do you give her that kind of power over you ???

Fear of loosing her or maybe guilt for what I have done.

I think that your fear is exactly the opposite of what you think that it is....

I think that you fear becoming complete, way more than you fear being alone. I think it scares the bejeezus out of you, to think that YOU might become complete, and she won't.

So I think you are holding yourself back, so that you can somehow, be right where she left you.

Is that where you want to be ?? The guy you were a few months ago ???

No I hate feeling like this.

Honestly IDK what it is or would be like or how to be complete. I think I need to have something else there to make me feel safe and by safe I think I mean comfortable.

And about being alone ??

Yea, you are kinda already doing that ( if you remove your texting finger), so why the hell does that scare you ?

It hasn't killed you yet, has it ??

Not worried about dying. I certainly am terrified of being alone, but maybe more about being rejected, not wanted, not good enough.

Then why be afraid of it ??

It hurts

Well I can tell you this JP, you can't lead from behind...

One thing today...for you. Something new....


???

I'll have to think about it, nothing comes to mind.

I hate trying to think about why all of these questions of why I am afraid or why I give her the power or why I am this or that. Don't get me wrong, I want to know, I want to change, I want to be different/better, but I look into myself and don't know the answers and it makes me feel like a failure or I look and say well maybe this is why I am doing this or act this way, but that doesn't fix or change anything.

Here is an example. Last night I go to pick up D from church at 9pm (ends at 9pm). She text me at 9:05 saying they are running a little late, sorry. I text ok, no problem, in my head I am like no problem and she was thoughtful enough to text me to let me know.

9:35 comes and I text her, almost? and she text back kinda, going longer than I thought, sorry. I text back, K. In my head I am going this is stupid, I am sitting her for 30 min have a headache and just want to go home. I start to think negative, selfish.

9:50 and she comes out and gets in my truck, says sorry dad, I didn't know it was going to be this long. By now I am pissed off and thinking I have just wasted an hour waiting here and poor me. I took it personal.

We drive home and I give her the silent treatment, just so she knows I am not happy, but feel justified doing that since I am not telling her I am mad.

So I go to pick up my D who I love and adore from church. It is running late and she has zero control over that and on top of that she is apologetic and thoughtful letting me know that she is running late. I get mad, how dare I be inconvenienced and only think about me. I also punish my D for me feeling the way I did. I have taught her how to be an a55 like Dad.

On top of all of that I was thinking in my head, this isn't her fault, why am I upset and don't get mad at her, what do I do? fail, I give her the silent treatment for something I did in my head.

So I look inside for answers, why?

I look inside to change, I don't want to be like this, I don't want to act this way, I don't want to think this way, but it doesn't change.

I was able to see I was wrong and yet my emotions won.

I feel like I have rambled.

It's like I can give myself a pep talk in my head, but when it comes time to preform, my emotions win, always.