That was the text my h sent to me today. How do i respond to that?? I never did anything to him. Never was unfaithful. Stood by him. Let him stay after bomb day n the ow. Put up w a yr of running around...but somehow this is my fault?? Do they ever take responsibility?
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
I don't know how you should respond, but here are some things for you to think about, for your sake. Remember that you were not a perfect wife, as he is not a perfect husband. There are things you could have done better. But there would always be a reason there for him to blame you, because you are always going to have things you can improve. He needs to blame you. I'm sure right now if I made the choice to go sleep with someone, I would blame my husband too. I think I could feel very justified in blaming him, and likely have very little guilt about it as far as it effects him. I don't think I could handle the self guilt though, and maybe blaming him would help rid that. But the truth is no one forces you to do bad things. And even if people wrong you, it doesn't make it right for you to do wrong things.
MWD said:
"I've met people whose spouses refused to have sex for years and although that made them miserable, they simply could not cheat. I've met other people who, when their relationships hit predictable bumps in the road, rather than work things out, they sought comfort in the arms of strangers. Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."
He may never take responsibly. And right now he is pushing your buttons to alleviate his own guilt. Obviously right now he is not a good husband. Why then are you not straying?
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Raine,thanks for the quote. I agree. It is so true. I've come to the conclusion he just has poor moral values and bailed as soon as things got difficult. The context of the text was that I asked him if he wanted to go to a family bbq for Mother's Day in which he started an argument that he will never see my family again because I was not a "good wife" and didn't keep my mouth closed and told people our business. I have never told him if and who I discussed things with My response was that he never once came clean about his ow and what he does at night. I don't feel the need to tell him who I talk to since he doesn't feel the need to discuss with me his PA and his relationships outside the home and everything I find out it is bc I am having to find out on my own. I then followed up that I was good to him. He responded that if I was so good then why did he stray. Arggg...he is so annoying at this point!!
KLM...so true
Mizjjd...you always make me feel better. He is typical midlife crisis but I am at the point now I don't want to stay any longer. Move on and move along but it is so hard to pick up your life. I look at my home, the kids, the finacial sitch and wonder how it can be done or if I even have it in me. He takes me on this crazy rollercoaster that I can never get off of.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Mizjjd...you always make me feel better. He is typical midlife crisis but I am at the point now I don't want to stay any longer. Move on and move along but it is so hard to pick up your life. I look at my home, the kids, the finacial sitch and wonder how it can be done or if I even have it in me. He takes me on this crazy rollercoaster that I can never get off of.
TnD,
I am right there with you girl. My M hasn't been good for a very long time. My H hasn't been good to me or for me, also for a very long time. No, I haven't been the perfect wife, but I have always cared, been engaged and involved. I know, painful though it will be even though I believe it to be the best course, that my M needs to end.
But I too am tied by children and finances.
You TnD, have the choice to get off the rollercoaster. Even if you can't physically separate right now, you can emotionally and mentally detach.
From what you share here, I don't see you detaching. Am I missing something?
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Mizjjd..what is crazy is that you are right..M hasn't been good in a while. So, my thing is why don't they just go? Not happy, then leave. Then once they have discovered they are so unhappy they can't take it any longer they find someone else. So, now my H is so comfortable in our home he doesn't want to go. Wasn't he the one that was so unhappy he had to find someone new? But, he aparently wasn't so unhappy to leave, right? Makes no sense to me. Never will. Nothing he does makes sense. I'm working on mentally detaching. Most of the time I think I am doing really well. I really am detaching. That was a strange argument we had and for a brief moment it got to me. Its only about 25% of the time that I slide back a little. This weekend is mother's day. Focusing on spending time with the kids. Not sure about going to the BBQ with family. I hate facing my family in the midst of all this crisis. They are not really there for me and I can't stand discussing the current state of my M with them. Might back out. Still not sure. H won't go anyway so maybe I should just focus on me and the kids and if H is around then so be it.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
What a thing for your H to say! But the MLC mind truly believes this, otherwise what justification would they feed to themselves for hurting us, the very people they vowed to love?
I hope you have not responded to that nonsense. It really would not matter what you responded, I think. He believes this; he has to believe this.
The more difficult task for me has been separating out thr truth from the things my xSO says to me. Because in a deep dark corner, I do wonder that if I had been a better partner, less independent, more integrated, more affectionate, then maybe the MLC would have happened anyway but maybe he would have acted differently towards me. I don't really think it works that way, but in the beginning I believed everything he said.
Try to reach for the dimmer switch a bit more and focus on you. Take away the opportunity for him to spit your way.
So, my thing is why don't they just go? Not happy, then leave.
This would be the logical, rational way.
If your H is suffering from MLC or depression then he will not behave logically or rationally.
Originally Posted By: tiredndrained
Makes no sense to me. Never will.
Of course it makes no sense, it is not rational behavior. You just have to accept it, you don't have to like it, approve of it, agree with it or understand it.
I'm glad you are working on detaching
Everyone does backslide from time to time - just learn from those backslides so you can be better prepared for the next zinger from H.
As for the BBQ, I'm sorry your family doesn't give you the support you want. But, best to not distance too much from them perhaps. I'd say go, but stay for just as long as it feels good. If M discussions come up say, "I'd rather not talk about that today" Smile, change the subject. Or walk away. If you do this consistently and often enough the message will get through.
Remember TnD, detachment isn't just about putting distance between you and H. That's a huge part of it, and certainly the first step, but its not all of it. As you step away from your H, and your R, there will be an absence in your life. That's where the second part of detachment comes in - made up of GAL and 180's.
Detachment isn't just the cutting out the negative of the spouse, its about the filling up of your life with positives.
And it may sound hokey, but everything we think, say(write) and do is all a part of becoming more positive. This doesn't mean you have to be Merry Sunshine 24/7. Certainly, let the hurt and anger out. But, once its out, find the silver lining and share that too. Find a balance.
Take care and Happy Mother's Day
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Portia, Those are the same things I wonder all the time. I was very independent and he claims not affectionate enough. However, with that being said there were things not perfect about him either and I'm sure your H as well. There were things I would have liked to be different. I would have liked him to take me out more, to do more around the house, to help out more with the kids. I got none of those but I didn't seek another relationship or freak out and leave my family bc I didn't get everything I wanted. He could have talked to me, we could have done counseling...something. He chose to wait until he couldn't wait any longer and do something about it without giving me a second thought or our family. Everyone makes their choices.
So, Sat H left to get his car fixed at 10AM. By 11PM I was very angry. called him several times but no answer. I am always dumped on with the kids. I sent him a bunch of nasty texts letting him know I'm done with all of this. He comes in at midnight, wakes me up screaming at me that he hates me, done with me, etc. Calls me a B. Didn't seem to like my texts too much!! Aparently he was shopping all day for Mother's Day and got me a bunch of gifts and flowers and was working on his car. Says he is done and can't wait to move out. When I woke there was two dozen flowers, cards, lots of presents. Should I feel bad? I don't...a year of him staying out all weekend with no contact and the one weekend he actually is doing what he says and buying something for me. I feel a little guilty since he was out shopping for me. Am I wrong?? Maybe I will never have trust in what he says he is doing. He is gone every weekend but suddenly I'm supposed to know he was telling the truth.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Sending you good thoughts 
But, best to not distance too much from them perhaps. I'd say go, but stay for just as long as it feels good. If M discussions come up say, "I'd rather not talk about that today" Smile, change the subject. Or walk away. If you do this consistently and often enough the message will get through.