Several weeks ago, Wolfie mentioned doing an IV at work. He has commented on doing them in the past and how he is the one that gets called for the difficult cases.

I have made some comments since along the lines of being so amazed to imagine doing that and asking him if he enjoyed doing them and enjoyed knowing that he could do it so well that he didn't cause patients much pain.

This morning, as I am getting ready for work--he asked, "why are you so amazed about me doing IV's? Are you surprised that I could do something like that much less be good at it?"

I told him that I was IMPRESSED and PROUD of him--not surprised that he could do something well!!!!

I told him that I am really concerned about his negative self-talk---especially when projects it onto me!!! I said that I was so glad that he was coming to me for clarification--so I can dispell that stuff."

I am concerned about how drastic this negative thinking goes with him sometimes. I told him that I have had to struggle with depression all of my life. I have come to learn that it is a biochemical imbalance or deficit combined with habitual negative thinking. I don't want to even get into the question of what comes first - the chicken or the egg - but I do know that the two factors feed off of each other to make one vicious monster!

I explained that I have experienced the depths of clinical depression--going to that place again scares me far worse than dying! I monitor my depression regularly. I treat it with medication (when needed) and by fighting it when I go too far off the spectrum into a really negative state of mind. I don't go off into Polly Sunshine land where I am on the OTHER end of the spectrum--but strive to keep a balance.

I told him that I am very concerned about him being depressed and beating himself up!!! I am concerned about him attributing all of these critical and negative thougths to what I MUST be thinking. Often--he couldn't be much farther from the truth.

Like the other day about the mall thing--thinking I didn't want to hang out with him. I told him that one of the things I have always valued so much about our R is that I can feel comfortable just hanging out with him when I am in a quiet or introspective mood (or even half-braindead ) and FEEL COMFORTABLE just hanging out with him. It is such a relief to me to be able to do that and not feel pressured to entertain him. I explained how much that meant to me and how I'd rather hang out with him doing nothing in particular than spend time with anyone else.

He may not talk a lot, but I can read his expressions like a book! While I told him all of this stuff--I saw a lot of pleasant surprise and pride.

I'm going to keep trying to go on in this mode--going for the Butterfly Effect.