Yep, that's what he actually said to me. I wasn't ready for that. I couldn't think of a response that wasn't negative so I put up my hand and told him that it wasn't a good time for a discussion. I am still shaking and a total wreck. It's one thing to know that there's another woman and suspect that he's fallen for her but to hear the words is more than I can handle. I have no idea what to say, if anything, should he bring it up again. When responded with avoidance he looked at me like he didn't understand why I wouldn't engage!!!!
I've been searching the site for someone who has a H or W that has said anything even remotely similar and can't find anything. Geeez, I wonder why? I'm beginning to wonder if it's not a brain tumor or something more serious than MLC.
He's still talking about moving out and it seems that it's become a priority to him. He told me that he didn't want the walls of our home to become a prison. My response was that I didn't want that either. I took that as a sign that he needs even more space than I'm giving him. How much more space can I give him than not being in the same room as he is when possible? I won't move out so I guess it will be he that makes the move if he feels that strongly. There is no adversity or arguing. He is loving and caring most of the time, hasn't moved to another bedroom and wants to talk about his "feelings" (as screwed up as they are). He has times of rational thought and can be pleasant and then there are the times of irrationality and depression.
I can't believe this is happening. I'm trying to see this in a positive way but there is no way that I can see anything good coming of him moving out (with the definite possibility of the OW moving here and in with him) and being apart from him for who knows how long.
I feel like I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. How will I handle this and keep my sanity? What do I do next?
(I'm trying to find a way to link this to my original thread...."Am I in the right forum"? Can anyone tell me how to do that?)
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I think he's in mlc from what you have described about rational thought and then the depression and his irraitonal thoughts/behavior. Well, it's possible that he could love both of you, but in different ways. He's torn right now and trying to figure out what to do. He may love you as a friend and she's his fantasy or should I say his "soulmate" in mlc.
I know this hurts terribly, but he's in mlc and there's not telling on any given day what will come out of his mouth. Sometimes they think out loud and other times, they'll contact you via phone or text and tell you things. But, no matter what, you have to say strong.
He needs a lot of space to figure things out. It may even come down to him moving out and getting a place of his own. If the ow does move in w/him, she'll be in his face 24/7 and that wonderful fantasy life will come to an end much sooner when the old routine of day-to-day life starts to creep back in. Whatever you do, do not move out. If he thinks life will be better out there in the wild blue yonder, then he should go.
There is nothing your can do to fix him and his problems, because you didn't break him. This is his journey and unfortunately, you weren't invited on it. Be glad you weren't because he just very well may act out even more. Keep a close eye on your finances and think about your joint accounts and credit cards. They do tend to love spending money when they start to enter replay.
I would suggest you sit quietly and be patient. The less you question him for now, the better. In fact, if you don't question him, he may just open up and give you more information.
Dig deep for patience, buckle your seatbelt and be ready for a ride that will have lots of bumps, twists and turns. This is a marathon, not a sprint and it will last quite a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, thanks for linking the other thread here.
What I can't get my head around is why he is being so upfront about his feelings. Well, his current MLC feelings. From most of the posts that I've read here the MLCer keeps their affair a secret as much as possible and shares very little with their W or H about how they feel. Is he trying to justify or keep the guilt that he feels to a minimum? As if to say, I'm being honest with you so it's okay that I'm having an affair? And then to further justify it when I don't respond in the normal way that any wife or husband would. The normal response would be to say, "then make a decision" her or me. Everyone here knows why I wouldn't say that but he doesn't. I guess I'm trying to overthink this, it's one of my biggest faults.
While I hate the idea of her moving in with him should he decide to move out, I like the idea for the reasons that you stated and for a little peace for myself. I know this woman and I know how annoying she is and would be 24/7!! Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't tolerate her for more than 10 minutes. You're absolutely right, she's what he thinks is a fantasy and I'm sure he believes that she's his soulmate. I know that she isn't and it doesn't bother me that he thinks she is. What does bother me is that the town we live in is pretty small. If you've ever lived in a small town you know how news travels. I don't want pity or sympathy from anyone and most of all I don't want to have to answer any questions. I was hoping to keep this as quiet as possible so that family and friends wouldn't form opinions or take sides or whatever happens when people have affairs or problems in their marriage. I don't want advice from anyone that isn't on this board!
I'm still keeping an eye on the money for sure and if I start to see unusual activity, I will react immediately. He's talking about buying rather than renting. It's an idea that we had last year before this all happened. Buying a house to use as supplemental income. It wouldn't be supplemental income if he were to live in so I'm not sure how to handle that either. I've already checked out the laws in my state. If he wants to buy something with "our" money, he can do it without my permission but it stays as community property even if it's in his name only.
This is getting too complicated for my tired and weary brain. I'm going to find a good comedy and pop it in the DVD player now. Thanks for stopping by with your words of wisdom. I truly appreciate it.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Some keep quiet and others are just like teenagers bragging about their conquests. He evidently feels very comfortable in telling you what is going on or in his mind. I would listen and sift through the garbage that is coming out of his mouth. Some of it may be fantasy and others may be the real deal.
Definitely, let it go and pop a good movie in and watch it. We've been popping popcorn for all of those sitting on the curb watching the circus go by...want to join us?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'd much rather have my W telling me what's going on than keeping secrets. I strive to keep our connection as tight and open as possible, while giving her freedom and space. She tells me what she's doing, when she's coming home, etc, and I do the same. If there was an OP, I'd want to know about it so I can proceed accordingly.
Good idea on the comedy.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Snodderly, I'm ready for the popcorn. Does that go well with a nice Chardonnay? I'll take a glass anyway!
Today is another day and I've been pretty upbeat considering the latest twist. When he came back yesterday he told me he had found a house and was going to make an offer on it. He wanted me to take a look at it because he "trusts my judgement". HA! Is that right? Then why can't he listen to me when I tell him that the OW is a needy, gold digging S!+t who will chew him up and spit him out when she's finished with him? No, I didn't tell him that but it's on the tip of my tongue at all times. Anyway, he tells me that it would be a good home to rent for some additional income in a year or so. Yep, telling me that he's giving this a year or so with the OW. The he says that he can see he and I living in it later. Talk about confused? He wants me to go look at it today when he gets off work. I took a look at the listing for it and it looks to be a nice home. Don't think I'll go see it. It's his thing and he has to make that decision.
We went out to breakfast yesterday morning and all was just as it was before the OW. He kept complimenting me on how nice I looked blah, blah, blah. Later in the day he did the same thing and again this morning when he called...all gushy and gooey. GAG ME! He seemed sincere yet I know that it was all a schmoozing to prepare me for what is to come. But hey, I'll take a compliment even if it is from a confused, depressed MLCer.
FY,
Thanks for the enouragement. It's good to know that there are others out there whose W or H are being upfront. I was worried that this wasn't all just a MLC. As odd as it sounds, I'm happy that it appears to be a MLC, it gives me a lot more hope. I think I've read a bit of your thread. I'll find it again and follow a bit more closely!
Off to find another comedy to watch, pass the popcorn please!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
1) I wouldn't let him buy a house with community funds without you seeing it - what if it is a terrible money pit that will end up eating up your resources?
2) I think if he's spending money on a second home you should be talking to an attorney ASAP. I know you have had reasons why you thought it best to stay married, but unless you're interested in polygamy, I think it's time to draw some serious boundaries, and protect yourself financially.
So long as he can indulge his fantasy with no consequences from you, he'll keep on cake-eating.
Kml, caigy, I ended up going to see the house and it isn't a dump or money pit. In fact, it's a nice home in a beautiful setting. He may be going through a MLC but he hasn't lost his taste. I did contact an attorney when he first started talking about buying a house instead of rentng and was told that half would be mine in the event of separation and or divorce. It won't matter legally whether I sign the paperwork to purchase the house.
As to the consequences: The lack of interest in what he's doing, politely listening without engaging or reacting, staying neutral or avoiding when he asks my opinion about HIS issues is a consequence in his eyes. Putting everything back in his lap is a consequence. After all of these years it's habit for him to "run things by me" before he makes a decision about most everything. He's irritated with my new behavior but doesn't push it, he just leaves in a huff. A few hours later he's forgotten and tries all over again to suck me into his issues. If and when he moves out I will change my behavior accordingly.
He's been out of town for the past few days so I've had time to think without distraction. I'm beginning to believe that he isn't going to move forward in his journey until he does what he thinks will put him in contol of his life. If he needs his space to get through whatever the heck he's going through, then so be it. The last thing I want to do is to slow it down.
Without getting into personal finances, purchasing this house doesn't begin to made a difference financially. He hasn't spent money foolishly (yet) and when I do see him spending money on things that I see as unnecessary, I withdrawl the same amount for myself. I see that as a way of setting boundaries, albeit in a non verbal way. He doesn't like it so my point is being made. I also have resources that are in my own name that he doesn't legally have access to.
As to the fantasies, I see him becoming a bit less enamoured with the OW. His mood has changed from elated to cranky. I believe he is beginning to remember some of the comments that we both made about her early on when we first met her and her husband. I commented that she was a gold digger and a woman not to be trusted and he agreed. It's just a matter of time before he remembers why neither of us were impressed with her when we met nearly a year ago. I will continue to listen to what he has to say, put my hand up when I find his conversations inappropriate and most of all protect myself financially.
I appreciate the words of wisdom and experience. I'm still trying to understand and learn what works with him. It's a moving target so I think I'll pull up a chair and watch a little more.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I did contact an attorney when he first started talking about buying a house instead of rentng and was told that half would be mine in the event of separation and or divorce. It won't matter legally whether I sign the paperwork to purchase the house.