Also, remember H gets to write off spousal support on his taxes, while you have to pay taxes on it as if it were income. Remember that as you calculate scenarios.
My ex's tax bracket is such that he gets almost a 50% tax break on the alimony he pays me, so it's not nearly as bad as it sounded to him, I'm sure. Maybe if you could point that out to your H, what his true after-tax cost of spousal support would be, maybe he will be more cooperative.
I am really mad over the offer I received. I am stuck with thousands in attorneys fees for nothing. I get the house, but if I agree to everything else I will be struggling financially for at least the next year. My H knows that I will be forced to sell so the agreement says that I have six months to refi. If I don't I need to sell immediately and split the equity. However, if I do refi he will waive all rights to future proceeds and will sign the house over to me. In the meantime, he wants me to accept the majority of the marital debt, repair and maintenance of the home and waive my right to all of his other assets and possessions. I can't sign the current agreement, but continuing to negotiate or litigate is expensive. I feel every avenue leads to more losses. No matter what I do my life isn't working. I'm tired of this.
Kml, thanks for pointing out the tax info. The current support numbers (using the standard formula) are erroneous. The write-off for the house is based on the refi figure, which at this point is hypothetical, not the actual mortgage amount. It also has me claiming 9 dependents and H claiming 4! Basically H's attorney tried to get to the lowest number possible. H plans on buying a house soon and that's not taken into account so I will have to pay my attorney to get the support order modified. I'm already drowning in legal fees. This is all such BS. My H's actions have cost me and the boys so much financially and emotionally. This is so unfair. At the moment I could care less about my H's traumatic childhood and his crisis. He knows exactly what he's doing and who he's hurting. I'm tired of taking the high road.
I'm tired as heck this morning, but am feeling determined to get my needs met even if it means litigation. I hate the thought of it, but know it's necessary. My H is banking (literally) on me folding so he can walk away a winner. He's a true gambler and is being drive by all of the sick characteristics. So, my best response - call his bluff. This is very difficult for me since I have let my fear control me in the past. It would be easy to sign the current agreement so I can get the carrot that's being dangled (bonus money), but I know once my fears subside, resentment will build. This will be a test of my growth (yikes!)
Any advice from those who have (or haven't) been through D litigation?
GM, Do you what you need to do in order to survive. Moving forward will require you to put on your big girl panties and your business suit. Leave the emotions at the front door because this man is a gambler and will try to out wit you in this game of cards. Whatever you do, do not tell him what you are planning to do...just do it and allow the lawyer do his job.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, Snodderly. It's scary but I know it needs to be done. The first course of action is to get a support order and hopefully attorneys fees. I was dragged into this legal action without any way of paying an attorney. I wasn't given money (I was solely dependent on my H when he left) to hire an attorney early on and have been at his mercy from the beginning. I was given retainer money which is being deducted from money owed to me, but have racked up a huge bill just defending myself. Surely the court will see that I have been at a disadvantage.
Good for you!! My H has been pressuring me so I will fold too and he is starting to sweat. Keep your plans secret and don't let him pressure you into caving. He has no idea what your plans are and that is your secret weapon. The element of surprise. Keep a smile on your face even though it's killing you and document, document, document. It may not go to litigation. Your H may fold.
Remember what Kenny Rogers said, "You never count your money when you're sitting at the table. They'll be time enough for counting when the dealing's done."
Hang in there! WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Thanks, Snodderly and WH. If only I had a crystal ball.... I will just go forward and continue to demand what I believe to be fair.
As hard as it is some days I know I need to always take the high road. I need to be able to face myself and more importantly, the boys are watching. I want them to see that I am strong and they can rely on me to take care of them. I also want them to watch me "walk the talk." If they trust me to live the way I am teaching them they will feel more secure.
I feel better than I did last night. I actually feel peaceful. I won't like going to court, but I need out of the choke hold I've been in. Since I've been afraid, desperate and willing to give in my H and his attorney just keep using that to their advantage. No more. The boys and I deserve so much more than this. I shouldn't have to worry about whether I will have to move or not or whether my H is going to make a deposit on time. I can't live like this. I want to enjoy my life. More importantly, I want to give the boys the best childhood I can. They have been cheated, but truly one person cannot take away a person's happiness and joy forever. We just need the security we've been lacking.
I was talking with my mom last night about the latest developments and we ended up talking about whether my H ever planned to return. My mom's a therapist so she often has a different perspective. She feels that my H left the majority of his clothes, memorabilia, etc. because he had always planned to come home one day. He believes his things are safe with me. Based on the current situation I can't imagine that it was his plan. I do remember him saying he wasn't coming home that day or the next, but he didn't go any further into the future.
I do think my H has to see the D through, no matter what it costs him, emotionally and financially, or he will always wonder if he turned back too soon and away from a new life that will bring him happiness. He also has backed himself into a corner. He left, he filed, he started a new R, he hurt me and the boys, maybe beyond repair, so in his mind does he really have a choice?
Once the D is over do MLCers tend to detach more or is that when they start to ponder their decisions? My attorney has said several times that she thinks he will want to reconcile. My response has always been disbelief. She said that she sees it all the time and my H will eventually realize that he had it all.
I totally get how you feel. There is no reason to sell yourself or your kids short. You are not only keeping boundaries for yourself but also for your kids.
You are so blessed to have healthy kids and safe home
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I feel better than I did last night. I actually feel peaceful. I won't like going to court, but I need out of the choke hold I've been in. Since I've been afraid, desperate and willing to give in my H and his attorney just keep using that to their advantage. No more. The boys and I deserve so much more than this. I shouldn't have to worry about whether I will have to move or not or whether my H is going to make a deposit on time. I can't live like this. I want to enjoy my life. More importantly, I want to give the boys the best childhood I can. They have been cheated, but truly one person cannot take away a person's happiness and joy forever. We just need the security we've been lacking.
Amen to that GM. I know what you've been going through. I've been resisting my XH's attempts to go to court to get a financial settlement - through fear and lack of money to fund my counter case.
But he eventually gave me the ultimatum: agree to his settlement terms or else he'd file.
So, he did.
Now, when it's time to provide evidence of his financial state, he seems to be getting cold feet. He sacked his L and today sent me an email asking if I'd consider settling out of court.
Hang on Charlie, you're the one who just instigated the proceedings!
We need to face our fear and refuse to be taken advantage of by cheats and bullies.
I was talking with my mom last night about the latest developments and we ended up talking about whether my H ever planned to return. My mom's a therapist so she often has a different perspective. She feels that my H left the majority of his clothes, memorabilia, etc. because he had always planned to come home one day. He believes his things are safe with me. Based on the current situation I can't imagine that it was his plan. I do remember him saying he wasn't coming home that day or the next, but he didn't go any further into the future.
I thought that about my XH's actions too. Why leave almost all your clothes and belongings behind? The obvious answer is that somewhere deep down in the recesses of their minds, they harbour thoughts of returning eventually. For the first year or so after BD, I had a really strong gut feel that my h would come back. But now, nearly 2 yrs in, I'm not so sure. Now i think he'll probably yearn to, but will find that he's too far in to this 'new life' to get out. And has hurt too many people and created so much pain that it's just not salvageable.
I do think my H has to see the D through, no matter what it costs him, emotionally and financially, or he will always wonder if he turned back too soon and away from a new life that will bring him happiness. He also has backed himself into a corner. He left, he filed, he started a new R, he hurt me and the boys, maybe beyond repair, so in his mind does he really have a choice?
Yep, this is what I think too.
My XH became almost instantaneously nice after the D was granted. It seemed to cause a shift in him. I think he just HAD to do it. No matter what the cost. I can't see how he could come back from what he's done even if he wanted to.
So, I think you're right. We have to continue to demand what we think is fair for our circumstances and for our kids. [/quote]
