I happened upon some very timely and informative stuff in another site...not saying where...just excerpts and no indication of authors.
Read "WS" as Wayward Spouse and "BS" as Betrayed Spouse
The Question was "What do WS's Fear?"
Fear of losing the BS, of course...fear of facing the fact that they could be capable of such hurtful behavior...fear of not being able to change, fear of being judged forever by anyone who happens to find out--family, friends, etc. Fear of having permanent regrets that interfere w/moving on with life.
Fear of facing the real "me". The real reasons that will answer the "why" questions. Fear of failure, fear of not being able to make things right.
On a personal level, I know my BS has forgiven me, but I don't think I'll (ever) be able to forgive myself for betraying myself. That is my biggest fear, now, almost a year later. I've hurt someone I love dearly, but I'm making things better and I know that it will never happen again. But I have **fundamentally** betrayed myself too... I can't stand being in my own skin, some days.
Right now my biggest fear is down the road, my spouse will wish he had just left me.
My biggest fear is that I caused too much pain and I won't be able to make him happy for the rest of his life.
I fear not being believed when I am telling the truth.
I fear showing anger at my BS because I don't feel "entitled" to the anger, b/c I'm the one that messed up. I am so angry with myself and the anger runs so deep I am afraid of showing it. I have a deep fear of facing myself and accept that I could have done this terrible thing.
Fear of the pain of breaking up with spouse/grieving their loss;
Fear of facing the world alone and starting anew;
Fear all relationships end up 'this way' so there is not point in leaving;
Fear of what everyone will think;
Fear of hurting the spouse, seeing the spouse grieve, causing psychological damage to spouse;
Fear of who you are as a person without the 'security' of the marriage;
Fear you will never meet anyone again that you connect with;
Fear that you are making a mistake/should try harder and that you will realise when it is too late because your spouse won't take you back;
Fear that you are just going temporarily crazy/are still in the fog;
Fear of losing the comfort and familiarity of a marriage;
If there are children, fear of losing them;
Fear of losing finances/married lifestyle/friends etc.
My biggest fear is that my wife won't be able to heal from the pain I have caused her.
I'm afraid that my triggers will never go away. I'm afraid to tell my spouse about the triggers because I am afraid she will take them on and they will become her triggers. I am afraid to tell my spouse that most of the triggers make me feel tremendous guilt, but some of them are actually good memories.
My biggest fear is that my husband will have a revenge affair, and I am afraid that I don't have the right to ask him not to. My horrid mistake would not make his being unfaithful any less devastating.
I don't know about you guys, but I really needed to read this stuff at this stage of the game. I'm gonna go home and give Wolfie a big hug.
