Bf... ((((HUGS))), this must be so hard for you. Please go outside and catch a breath. Do not let him see you get weak! Weakness (begging/pleading, etc) makes them RUN!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
BrightFuture, it does seem our WAS sitch is similar with no contact from them. My W hasn't seen or spoken to me for over 2 months, only the occasional text. It does seem she is very determined to take me out of her life. All I am doing is listening to my DB coach and people on this forum and my own little mantra/s. Faith, hope and love. It is a marathon not a sprint.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Thanks everyone for your support. I needed it today, and you all came to my rescue.
He packed some of this stuff. Still, there is a lot left, even clothes. I think I handled it well. I didn’t show any signs of distress, tried to smile, and even made a few jokes. We discussed some of the things regarding separating finances, etc. Almost nothing new compared to our previous conversation. He brought up the subject of D, but said that the website he was talking about last time is not reliable enough (from other people’s experiences), so he will look into finding another way to file the paperwork. He was not sure how he is going to do it, and said that right now he doesn’t really have time, since he will be leaving for work in another state next week (wow, he was not working for 5 months, so there was lots of time.) It seems that he is not in a big hurry about the official D. I told him go ahead and fill in the paper work any time when he is ready and send it me, and I will pass it to my lawyer. He asked me if I already have a lawyer and was really surprise that I mentioned it. I said that I interviewed a couple of lawyers. He was not happy about it. Like I mentioned before he wants to do the D without lawyers. I told him that we have some complications in our finances and there is some legal stuff that I don’t know about, this is why I want to retain a lawyer. He agreed, but then mentioned that we still have some time to figure it out.
He told me about the auto insurance he was trying to obtain, but it came to be more expensive than we are paying now. So, he thought that it is better to leave it as is for now. I should have told him that the rate we have now includes a significant discount for my professional degree, and he is going to lose it regardless of which insurance company he tries to transfer to. I guess, I will tell him this next time.
He also asked me to help him to pay for things and his part of the mortgage until August. That is when he thinks he is going to receive the payments for his job that he is supposed to start in a couple of weeks. I agreed. He’s been telling me about all the expenses he been having and the future once, so I have no reason to not trust him with the money right now.
I had a phone consultation with my DB coach yesterday. I asked him very specific questions about letting my H to use my mail address for some of his correspondence, or should I tell him No. My house is the only legal address that my H has in the US. When he goes to work, he moves from place to place and stays in his work camper or at the hotels. My coach asked me what qualities attracted my H to me when we met. I told him that one of those was that I was kind and tried to help people. So, he said that I need to show these qualities now and forget about the thoughts of letting my H to cake eat. So, I agreed for H to use the mailing address. He also asked me if he could park his car on my (our) drive way. I kind of expected he would ask, even though his brother leaves in the same neighborhood. So, I agreed to this too.
My girlfriend got on my case today for doing all of these things, she wants me to pack the rest of H’s stuff, put it in the garage and tell him to get lost. She says that he is using me. But, I thought of a different approach to this. By doing these “nice” things for H, I’m also making it harder for him to completely break away from me. So, in a sense, I’m also using him. Any opinions?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Just one quick thought...I'm by no means a vet here, but something you said struck a chord with me...
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
By doing these “nice” things for H, I’m also making it harder for him to completely break away from me.
I was just thinking, you really need to do 'nice' things because they make you feel good, because you feel they are the right thing to do...I've found that when I do something kind for W, and I have no expectations attached to my actions, I feel really good about myself and what I've done. I'm guessing that W notices, but I don't think too much about it anymore; I just know that I'm a good person and I'm good with that...
Anyways, you're sit seems like a tough one to me; lots of mixed messages and twists and turns. Not sure how I'd do under the same circumstances, but you sound like you're doing very well, and I wish the best for you {}
You are doing really well even if you have some bad days. We all do.
As you know I usually post on the MLC side and your H's excuses for delaying the divorce are very like those I have seen over there. In some ways these are like small tests both to test the LBS and to test the temperature of the LBS. I think you handled everything very well and I like that you calmly told him you spoke to a lawyer. You conveyed strength in a calm way.
Bright I saw your post (a few up by now) which noted that it appears the reconciler couples all seem to have a great deal of contact. As my xSO seems to have vanished, I would prefer to take Kaffe's view of things and believe that sometimes no contact can be a good thing. Or at least I am going to try.
You and I have similar situations especially the long distance. I have no doubt we will be fine. And maybe better than fine
LostButHopeful, thanks for stopping by. What I meant by doing “nice” things is that I‘m allowing H to do the cake eating, sort of. You are right, at the end, doing these things will make me feel better about myself. But, I also have to remember about the boundaries. Right now there is no confirmed OW as far as I’m aware. If this change, then I will stop doing some of the things I’m doing for him now.
I’m not sure if I see any mixed messages anymore. My H is pretty determined in his decision about the M. He doesn’t want it.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thanks, Portia. Absolutely, I have no doubt we will be fine.
I didn’t want to discourage you. Our situations might be similar, but there are still differences. My H is already moving towards the D and trying to be friends with me, in his weird way, but nevertheless he is trying to see how it will work out. You SO is still on the fence, it seems. Your patience is very crucial at this time.
You might be right that my H is testing the temperature. I don’t know why though, I’m trying not to mind read. I’m a little surprised that he kind of stopped the D process for now. Maybe he thought that I would do it for him, or we would do it together, as we always did. We were always a good team. Too bad, he is on his own now.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Bright, thank you for stopping by my post. I am trying to prepare myself for the eventual talk. I just don't want to be blindsided again. My H says ALL the same things that your H says. I get the same from friends. They are just trying to get me to move on. I am not ready to yet and will continue to be patient. I do sometimes struggle with the cake-eating. My H is doing his own thing. Its so amazing how scripted all this is...
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
No Happy MD from H today. I didn't have much expectations, so I'm OK. Just curios, what reasons he gives himself to call for one holiday and didn’t call for another. He called me on New Years, but not today. Maybe he thinks I’m not a good Mom to my son.
On a positive note, my son came and took me for lunch. Then he moved the loan and did some cleaning in the garage. He also brought me a bunch of red roses and a very nice card. So, I think I’m a good Mom after all…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
