confusion...

[littleGTO]

willbewell,
Just read part of your thread and wanted to give you BIG HUGS!

Our sitchs are so similar in many ways. I can really relate to what you are going through.

Try not to rationalize your H's irrational decisions/judgement. It will drive you insane! I circle back to the WHY and HOW DID THIS HAPPEN from time to time and it gets me nowhere.

When there is an OW is the picture they cannot think straight. The OP is like an addiction--they think they need it and it gives them this "high" they think that will fulfill any "happiness issues" that they have. And they refuse to give it up.

Focus on you and your darling children. Especially on YOU.

Look for areas of personal growth (180s) and try to think of something that gives you joy EVERY DAY, even if it is something small or seamingly insignificant.

COme here often. Lots of people (including me) can really relate to you!

[willbwell]

Son 19 watching ball. In past h would be watching with him. So not right...
Want to lash out (again) what is his problem? How does he only think about himself...

[willbwell]

THE TALK....H and I both agreed that we need to talk. I think though we have different agendas. I need work on my responses if he talks about D. Just need to play out senarios in my head so I am not blindsided again

ADVICE!!!

[willbwell]

H wants to TALK... How do I prepare???

[MrBond]

Do you want to talk to him? That's the question. If you don't, then don't.

[willbwell]

Yes, I want to talk with him! But I want to talk about resolution. I am afraid he justs wants to throw in the towel. I know this is perhaps mind reading. I guess I still can't accept his leaving our great family. We are going on one yr now since the Ilybnilwy. We've talked before and the outcome was not what I wanted. I will need enormous resolve to not let my emotions get the better of me. To remember to validate his feelings. If he talks about pursuing D to not say anything other than, I see or I am sorry you feel that way. He knows this is not what I want. I am giving him space. I text very infrequently now. I try to say thank you for things he does( ie take D to school) To be honest though, he has given 0 indication that he is interested in working on our M. We have just continued allbthese months in limbo. He does his own thing. I take care of the kids and house. He pays the bills. He sees the kids not on a schedule, but really when it is convenient for him. I have allowed this. Don't know if OW is still in picture

[MrBond]

The problem is that you can't go in with an agenda. If he wants to talk the only option you have is to just listen and validate. If you start going in about how you feel the M can be saved even though he wants out, then he will start disagreeing with you and that's something you don't want.

[MrCAS]

I agree with MrBond. An agenda will side track you. That isn't to say that you should not play out different scenarios in your mind but agenda tends to put blinders on, IMO.

A disagreement will create an adversarial atmosphere and that is definitely something you don't want.

[willbwell]

yes, ok...thank you Mr. Bond and MrCas. I certainly don't want to get into a disagreement. I think it is more the different scenarios in my mind that I need to give some thought. On the one hand, he may say he is ready to see a L. I will say, I am sorry that you feel that way. On the other, (maybe wishful thinking on my part but I am still hopeful) is that he will say he would like to come back home. I have already gladly allowed him to return only to have him leave again 2weeks later.(Feb)
I know if he were to ask about coming back home that I will need to not be so quick.
He may talk about coming home for the kids sake. Again, I'd do this gladly.... He wouldn't necessarily be returning to the M. Harder on me, but I would do it for the kids. Of course this would be cake eating on his part...

I get so tired of it being so hard!

I do GAL. My 180's are trying to listen more and talk less- so hard for me. H wouldn't say how he feels( other than to say he became distant from me and feels the barrier has grown too big. oh and the OW is easy to talk to! ) I would try and analyze him... Could it be that you are depressed H? You know this thing with OW is fantasy right H? Do you realize the impact on the kids H? I have a tendency to be a smart alec. I am working on being more quiet and listening and having empathy for my H who I think is lost.

I see my IC tomorrow.I will discuss with her. I know if he wants to pursue D there is nothing that I can do. He will want to do it amicably. I am afraid he may have the audacity to ask if I would look into a mediator!......What do I say here???? No, I would rather not...Thus far we have been very cordial around one another

[BrightFuture]

I had the same problem with how to handle the conversation when my H brought up the D subject. I had a phone session with a coach and he advised me to NOT do anything to help with the D process. You are right, if he brings up the subject, there is nothing you can do. I would agree with him, but tell him that you will wait for the papers from him, since you are too busy and have other things to do. If he really wants it, he can start the process and you will not stop him, but you will do what is best for you.

When my H came to the house for a second time (yesterday) to discuss D, I told him to go ahead and fill in the paper work and send it to me, and I would pass it onto my lawyer. He was surprised that I wanted to use a lawyer, since he wants to do it amicably, just like your H. You can read the whole update on my thread.