There were quite a few times when my boys and I cried together too. It is incredibly painful knowing that there's nothing you can do to put your family back together. I remember begging my H to come home for the boys. The response I got was "I decided the day I left I would never put them first again. I did that for years and I was unhappy." I was so shocked I immediately wrote it down and dated it. Several days later he denied he ever said that and called me crazy.
The boys were told all kinds of excuses for why my H left including "Mom makes rules and then breaks them." I couldn't believe it and had no idea what he was referring to. My H used to tease me about being too much of a rule follower. There is a reason it's advised to not believe anything that they say. It's crazy making.
You and the boys will start to heal and create a new family with new routines and experiences. Last summer we took a lot of day trips, mostly to the beach. Those outings were so good for our souls. At first it always felt like someone was missing, but gradually we started accepting that our family had changed.
I also did what I could to create a soul nourishing environment at home. I bought fresh flowers weekly, burned lots of candles and played music regularly. Those simple things made a world of difference to the three of us.
You'll find the things that help you and the boys along. It takes time. Even after six months it was still very difficult or us. We gradually started turning a corner. I felt a lot of pressure to get myself in order. I knew the boys were anxious because I was so sad. More than anything they just wanted a happy Mom. Eventually I decided that I was going to give them the very best childhood I could under the circumstances.
I know this is incredibly hard. I can't even imagine how it must feel to have the OW around your kids. Set boundaries with your H regarding the boys. Do the best you can to protect their hearts and minds. That's difficult since you're dealing with an incredibly selfish person right now. As their mom you do have a say in how you want the boys to be raised and what is not ok with you. If your H is doing something that's not in the boys best interest, firmly let him know. He may view it as controlling, but too bad. I let my H know early on that when he spent time with the boys it was about them. He was not to bring up our marriage, the divorce, finances and especially not his gf. He did abide by that, thankfully, and so did I. Maybe the two of you can talk about what your boys can handle and what the off-limit subjects are.
B, know that you and the boys will be ok. There's a lot to deal with right now, emotionally and logistically. Take it a day at a time. As hard as it is try to remember what you've learned about MLC and the unresolved issues that lead to the crisis. Try to remember that somewhere inside your H is a hurting child who needs compassion. It will help diffuse the anger.
GM-Thank you for sharing your story and empathizing with the my pain. I am sorry that you and your boys have gone through so much. I wish I could do something, but there is no fix for this broken train.
Something you said that I already had swirling around in my head because of AJ was setting the boundaries with the boys. I already had planned on emailing him this morning, which I have done so already on what should be said and done in regards to them now and in the future, with some truth darts that they are upset, and not coping well.
Will it be received well, who knows. Do I think he will listen, NO. Do I care, not really. Since his only concern really has been only himself I am sticking up for me and the boys. At least one day, if my boys ever asked, I could say that I did every thing to protect and provide for them.
Don't really have much more to say right now. Hope everyone has a good day!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
You definitely need to set some boundaries w/your h when it concerns the boys. They don't need to hear that bs from him. It makes them feel bad and puts a bad light on you. Also, your boys are already thinking it's their fault he's not coming back. Oh, he's not going to be happy, but someone has to be the adult here and ensure that the boys are okay. I know you'll set him straight.
At this point in the journey, you have to take care of you and your boys. Your h will be mad no matter what is said or done because he doesn't want to be advised/told what he can or can't do...but you know what? Be careful what you ask for. His actions are starting to bite him on the rump.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh, he's not going to be happy, but someone has to be the adult here and ensure that the boys are okay. I know you'll set him straight.
All I can say is yep, he wasn't happy. More crazy-making spew from H.
In short, I just sent him an email that S9 was emotional last night and set some boundaries which included, NO other people in our kids lives, no trash talking each other,and no pre-planned conversations regarding our marriage or divorce without expression to the the other parent. I thought fairly simple, one short paragraph, very clear.
NOPE. H came back with spew almost ten paragraphs long...Why do the kids feel that way?, it sounds as if you are making me the bad guy?, what prompted all this?, S9 is using this as an excuse to misbehave, all the things I am doing wrong as a mom, and how I am insinuating things and making false claims of his mean comments of me.
I originally started picking apart his response email line by line answering all his questions, and then I remember what my trusted friend said and what AJ said. One, he will bait me into an argument and I have to shrug it off, because the more I argue the more H will know it is getting to me, and that I don't have to explain or defend myself.
So, I responded back simply and politely that clearly by his response he was very angry and resentful and that his accusations were his and I would not own any of them. That at the end of the day, S9 is struggling emotionally. I also stated that our issues are ours and should be put aside when dealing with the boys. I closed with what would you like to do about S9 emotionally well being and left it at that. I also stated that if he was going to insinuate and make negative accusations on me as a mother that we could end the conversation there.
I will not tolerate this, and definitely will print out this email when I go file for custody. Everyone who knows me, knows that I have been and will continue to be a GREAT mom, and I refuse to let him take that away from me. He has already taken so much from me and this one I do have control over.
As things go along here, H makes it so easy to walk away. I hope this forces his hand to either step up as a parent or allow me to get full physical custody with him receiving visitation. His mind is so skewed.
But, there was one take-away to his email. He described how he felt when he was thirteen and his parents divorced and how his Dad didn't give a sh1t about him. Guess that his root problem of his MLC. What is strange is that he states he knows how he felt and is very aware of how our boys must feel, but thinks he is better because he calls them and talks to them daily and spends "time" with them.
Hopefully this may have put to the fore-front his issues and help him see that what he has and continues to do is no different than what was done to him...and maybe shed the light on his unresolved problems and help him out of his own fog. IDK, maybe I am reaching with that one.
But despite everything today, I do feel confident and calm and KNOW that what I am doing is right for the boys and I.
I have to thank everyone here for helping me gain my strength to do what I have done so far. This board has been my savior and therapy of sorts from day one.
Until next time....
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Your H sounds like mine. Yes, he is trying to bait you. Congrats for picking up on that. I still have to remind myself constantly. He wants to fight. Don't give him the satisfaction.
Hang in there and keep us posted.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
B, Always count to 10 before responding to his spew. Always remember, that the spew is coming from a place of hurt in a little boy that never grew up. They project so much on to us and the baiting is unbelieveable, but you were great in seeing the hook, line and sinker on this particular email.
Your first priority is and always will be your sons. Your h may express how he felt as a boy, but he really doesn't see himself doing exactly what his father did to him with his own sons. My xh is doing the exact same thing his father did to him and his family, i.e., history repeating itself all over again.
Please, please take care of yourself and those darling kids.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, H responded...more spew. Saying he needed to defend himself and would not be bullied by me. Also how I don't want to hear his side of things. More bait. So I am done trying today.
My response....when you are ready to respectfully discuss the boys, please let me know.
Clearly he is not in the mind frame to NOT focus on himself.
H will pick up the boys soon. Hopefully he is not alien when he gets here.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Stay calm and do not engage w/him if he's acting pissy. Just walk away.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was calm...and walked away. I am not entertaining this discussion any further today.
The reality is that the discussion was not about him and he made it about him. Again, some of the things he said, like me bullying him. Unbelievable! What they say is crazy making. I am glad that I have detached myself from him as much as I have. I can actually stay calm and cool under pressure...it is the words that fly out that are not good.
He has the boys now, and hopefully he gets his questions answered by them since he will be with them. After all, he needs to hear some of these things himself from the boys. He would have heard them already had he not pushed them away...but as he states, he has been a great father!!!
I think I will relax a little...after all, I do have a few hours to myself. Yay!!!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
