Oh, and another development. I happen to have another...acquaintence...let's call him, who was going through a similar sitch as mine (but no kids and he's a 'native', lol). He actually went to a prostitute (their legal and well-regulated, lucky for him!) to help him regain his confidence. Apparently he still says it helped him regain a sense a self-determination. That it was something he needed to do and was glad he did. Not that I would ever consider something so dumb, mind you. But maybe simple dating would have been a better option. I guess he wanted no strings attached, which is what he got.
Has anyone else heard of LBSs doing something like that. What's the general consensus here about dating? Not that it's something I'd do, but I'm intrigued to find out where other people are at re. testing the waters in the face of an imminent D.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Papa4Life, my view is simple, I am married, whether the W is living with me or not. I am still going to keep to my vows I married by. Yes, maybe I didn't keep to the vow of being the best for my W, but again, I didn't realise where I was or what I was doing. No excuses, that is just how it is. But, I am going to simply stick to being a married man until my W applies and succeeds in divorce, if that is what happens. Then, I will need to decide how and what I am going to do. I will not date, be romantic or think about who I could start taking out.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Has anyone else heard of LBSs doing something like that. What's the general consensus here about dating? Not that it's something I'd do, but I'm intrigued to find out where other people are at re. testing the waters in the face of an imminent D.
I believe dating others is contrary to DB principals. I don't see how you are working on saving the marriage when you're adding others to the mix. Nope, not me. I'm fine on my own, thank you.
If someone feels they need to be with another person to bolster their self esteem or confidence, maybe they should figure out why and work on that.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi hotwheels, Thanks for your response. I admire, and share, your dedication to your marital vows. I, like you, take responsibility now for the mistakes I made in the M and I would do anything to reconcile with W now that the dynamics have changed and I've grown and hopefully become a better person.
ForeverYoung, I'm not seriously considering dating right now, because I do want to focus on myself right now, and on trying to save my M.
I think I am curious to know if other DBers have sort of been drawn to dating and what that has meant for them.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
I was looking at dating websites at the very start. It was more of a panic reaction that I didn't want to be alone.
Part of me thinks that recent events would have been easier if the score was 1-1.
The other part of me is happy with what I accomplished for myself because I didn't have that crutch.
To me dating is spending time with someone to possibly see if they could become your partner.
Where would my sitch be right now if I had started dating, who knows?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Hi T100, that was pretty poetic: "if the score was 1-1". Touche.
Here's another issue I wanted to bring up and get some advice on: my W is quite a yeller. Whenever we have a discussion about a seemingly innocuous topic, her voice inevitably starts to rise as she gets worked up about a topic. I have always had a real problem with that, especially when she *screams* at the kids, let alone at me. I can't imagine what the neighbors must have thought at times.
So today she called for some help with a user name/password, and she just starts shouting and, while I am detaching, I really don't need to be yelled at, particularly when I'm trying to work.
Does anybody else have an anger-management candidate for a S? How do you deal with it?
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
"I will not be spoken to like this. When your ready to discuss this calmly let me know."
Or something similar.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
"I will not be spoken to like this. When your ready to discuss this calmly let me know."
Or something similar.
Right. You need to set up a boundary on this. In a very calm, matter of fact manner.
First ask if she realizes she is raising her voice at you.
If she continues then ask if she would please lower her voice. (refrain from accusing her of "yelling" or screaming)
If she continues then tell her you will not accept being spoken to in that manner, and if she refuses to discuss things in a normal tone and volume, you will... *insert your chosen consequence here* It could be I'm leaving the room, ending the conversation for now, or what ever you choose.
Then follow up on it... every time, or it means nothing.
Most important is to do this calmly, without being drawn into a fight. It may take a few try's, but it works.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Yeah, the yelling is a problem for W, and in turn was tough for me. She gets it from her mom, she says. It's a problem for me now not so much because it makes me want to shout back at her (which I was prone to do pre-detachment), but because now she's very distant and hostile. That means that if I can figure out a way to get her to stop shouting, instead of being pleasant with each other, she'll just go back to being distant and hostile!
What a situation.
What's funny is, probably the only concrete tool the now-former MC taught us was the window of tolerance, which is where if you feel yourself reaching your threshold of tolerance, you excuse yourself and say I'll be back in 20 minutes when hopefully we can continue this conversation in a more productive manner. But I'd sometimes say to W, are you reaching your threshold? And she would say, NO! I want to keep talking!! Lol.
This is actually one of the major barriers if W were ever (by some miracle) to have a change of heart about D. I wonder if she'd ever be able to change this.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
What's the general consensus here about dating? Not that it's something I'd do, but I'm intrigued to find out where other people are at re. testing the waters in the face of an imminent D.
The general consensus here is not to date. That said, there have been many LBSs here that did admit to dating. I'm one of them. W and I had a talk about 8 months after BD and she said she was more convinced than ever that we were done, and she said she wanted me to start dating (of course she said this because SHE wanted to date). Honestly if I thought there was even a 1% chance we would reconcile I wouldn't have dated. But I didn't think that then or now. I've been out with several women in the 3 months since then. I certainly respect those who refuse to date while DB'ing, but I do have to say that dating totally changed my perspective. It was the first time in a long, long time that I felt important, desirable and yes, even sexy It made me realize that W isn't the only woman in the world and that I -could- have a future relationship with someone else, that even though it's been 25 years since I went out with someone else I -am- still able to attract the opposite sex.
