A New Me 4

[jp787]

jp,
There are some GOOD signs here (but not to read too much into anything).

First, she agreed to have dinner w you.

Secondly, talking about random things is good- you are talking.

Third, you didn't pressure her in any way.

Fourth, friends is a good place to be right now (even though it feels like a step backwards to you).

Keep it up!

Thanks.
I did peruse by asking though.

[jp787]

I was going to question your AMAZING generosity then ask you about what the difference between what happened and what your definition of persuing was.......But your already doing that yourself

Instead, as I read your post something else stuck out

and asked if pizza was ok, I said yes. I threw out suggestions including where as in restaurant, home, park. She said for me to choose and either restaurnt or park was fine.

JP- do you offer her all the options and leave it to her to make the decision most/all of the time?

What does JP want for dinner? What are your plans?

Im wondering if this would be a worthwhile 180 for you to pursue?

Yes I did pursue by asking. This is so hard for me to not pursue, talk to her, be interested in her. I know that is what DB recommends, yet it IS a 180 for me as I ignored her in the past. I honestly feel that if I don't text, talk, ask her out etc. that she will see me as being the same old JP.

It is a fine line for me, maybe I am wrong and I just need to back way off, in my sitchI honestly don't know.

Yes me making choices would be a good 180 for me

Thanks for the quote comment.

[Grizz]

I am kind of in the same boat. I never ignored W but I was passive aggressive. When I would be upset, I would pout and not talk. This is what I am having trouble with also. If I back off of interactions (even lovingly) I think it will seem like more of the same from me. Me not being happy and just shutting down any interaction. Oh what to do?

[jp787]

I was passive aggressive. When I would be upset, I would pout and not talk.

This was me too, maybe ignore was the wrong word, you nailed it with what you said.

Sooo when I really think about this, this is what I come up with.

For me, Don't pursue. Meaning to give W space and time, to be available for her for important things, but not trivial and not as in being used.

Text 2-3 times a week to say something like hope your having a good day.

Ask to do something once a week to do something no pressuring.

**Now for the vets to come tell me if I am kidding myself or if this has merit.

[ChrisN]

J and Grizz,

I can identify with the passive aggressive... I was the same way.

[makingmagic]

Hi JP, I am curious about what the vets will say regardign the "text ~ having a nice day", if that is considered pursuing?...it would be in my case, but maybe different in yours?

[Positivespin]

JP- How much time were you in front of your computer before the bomb drop?

My thoughts as to a great 180( if answer to question above is ALOT) would be you doing things (yourself or with family) away from the computer more

You doing things for you and inviting whoever to come along if they want- but you doing it anyway

[Grizz]

I have also tried to randomly (not very often) text W something trivial. 2 days ago I texted her something D4 said. She replied with "how sweet" and I did not reply after that.

It is sooo hard to act as if and act like you are fine with everything when you are hurting so much. Especially for the ones like us whose natural reaction is to shut down and go silent.

[in_it]

I'd like to hear what they say as well. I'm leaning towards it being pursuing.

I catch myself doing stuff like that & beat myself for it afterwards. It's like I have to get the last statement in when texting in hopes that I'll be lingering in H's thoughts. It's sad.

[jp787]

I am not on the computer much at home, mostly at work. Being off the computer has been my biggest 180.

It's like W and I have changed spots. I desperately am seeking her love and she is closed to it, just the opposite as it used to be.