New here, and need some advice

[mrtwopointfour]

No on the cert, just more studying. No to catching her, not at all. Too late for today as far as snooping, let's just start small and shoot for the rest of the day! I will get better though because even though I find nothing I continue to look.

Hi CL , I've only caught the end of your thread so far. But I think stopping the snooping is a great idea. Not only is it making you constantly think about her, which in turn stops you getting on with concentrating on your life, it also means you may just find something. Something that is nothing in particular, nothing concrete that tells you anything, but puts a little bit of doubt in your mind, and I can guarantee this will drive you insane. You will not be able to ask her about it, because its nothing concrete and therefore you will fear it will make things worse. So you will have to sit and be quiet, and the not knowing will eat away at you for a while until you manage to tell yourself to forget about it.

I know because I learnt the hard way. I found out my wife was somewhere different to where she said she was staying. I assumed with OM, but more than ikely could have been with friends. I will probably never find out - and because of that I wish i did not know.

[BFloat]

ok.. i went back to remind myself of your sitch..

so you acknowledge having a problem with incessant flirting with other women.. you have ignored many different warnings from your W.. both your exW as well as current have stated this has been a problem..

you may not have a problem with having a female roommate but given your hx of flirting.. and i get all the comments about having to do what YOU need to do.. but, how do you think your W will feel?

just food for thought.

[completelylost]

As far as other women just not having boundaries with flirting and I appropriate conversation. I always thought she was ok with it but I've found out she's not. She accepting a lot she said for me to love her but she feels like she wasn't good enough. Because I always flirted with other women. No physical infidelity, but I totally see why she's angry.

[completelylost]

I understand. I'm totally acknowledging. She's just really confusing right now so I'm trying to stay focused. She calls me today out of the blue to check in me. And I'm trying to figure how do I respond? Do I sound uninterested? Or I run the risk of sounding too excited. I YI YI YI!! Lol

[sandi2]

Flirting without boundaries and inappropriate conversation. Sounds kike the makings of an EA!

[MrBond]

What were the issues from your previous M that you couldn't talk to her about?

[completelylost]

My exW just told me I was too condescending and not very emotionally aloof. But if I can be honest neither one of them are very good at telling me what they need. I've never had a problem saying what I needed and/or wanted out of either of my relationships.

[moth76]

But if I can be honest neither one of them are very good at telling me what they need. I've never had a problem saying what I needed and/or wanted out of either of my relationships.

This just struck a chord with me...
In my opinion the problem is actually that she is communicating her needs in a way that you aren't understanding. I feel the same thing from my sitch. I didn't sense that she was missing something, but in her mind she had been telling me for a long time.
At the end of the day all that matters to her is her perception of what happened.

[completelylost]

That's true. I just bought the 5LL so im reading that. The one thing she has stated emphatically is that she need space, whether that's me moving out or her. So that's where we are starting. She's made no promises, and neither have I. In my heart I feel we will battle back but I know the road will be long and at times seem impossible. But i'm going to remain patient.

Side note: When she saw me at the gym(arrived while I was leaving) yesterday she tried to not smile but she lit up inside. She's always been very fond of my physique and How hard I work in the gym. Didn't do much other than that but it let me know, yea I still do it for her, atleast in that aspect!!

[SFC_Swede]

it also means you may just find something. Something that is nothing in particular, nothing concrete that tells you anything, but puts a little bit of doubt in your mind, and I can guarantee this will drive you insane. You will not be able to ask her about it, because its nothing concrete and therefore you will fear it will make things worse.

CL...listen to this post. I did the very same thing. W drops the B, and as a man (and I imagine this is universally accepted for us) go searching for any reason other than us and to find another reason, no matter how plausible. Now, my W was acting suspicious, which fed into my paranoia (guarding her cell like a hawk, deleting web history, ect..) and it only made me more manic. And when I finally did confront her about my suspicions...it totally walled her off for good, and I received the complete BD with total shut down by her. Not because I had suspicions...but because I told her the things I noticed.

Is she having an EA/PA? Who knows. But if they are, nothing you do right this second is going to change that. Snooping, pursuing, and pressuring, or quilting them will only drive her further away.