Well......after some time to calm down and come here for feedback (thanks so much, you guys!)
T2: I think the answer truly lies somewhere in the middle. It is extremely confusing at times to deeply love a man AT THE SAME TIME as having powerful emotions of hurt and anger regarding his A (as well as his Pre-A and Post-A behaviour).
Sometimes there is such a cross wind of different powerful but conflicting emotions that it's enough to put me on overload and the cuicuit-breakers have to kick in.
I think that it is the same for most of these spouses. To love their mates dearly and want things to be "all fixed up" now, feeling guilty and AT THE SAME TIME feeling resentful, defensive, and wracked with guilt and shame.
If I were Wolfie, I would be wanting me to close the door on his A, never mention it again, and make lots of efforts to heal our relationship.
If Wolfie could "get it", he would understand that I desperately need his help to heal and feel whole again so that I can be part of an R that continues to improve and grow. Getting angry and impatient with me and wanting to shove it all under the rug will only prelong my pain.
I honestly believe that the R's that grow stronger and better after an A do so because both parties focus on healing each other, as well as the R as a whole. I'm not just being all like "kiss my ass until I feel better"--I am doing everything I know how to walk through this to a better place and want the best chance for my R to be stronger.
He doesn't get it, but he is trying in his own way, on his own terms, and I don't minimize or discount that.
