Quick update. W has now put down a deposit on an apartment. Will be moving around June 8th. Still haven't told the kids or family. W will likely file soon after leaving.
Anyone out there have any ideas or experience on what to do on move out day. Do I help (not sure i can handle that)? Do I leave until she is completely finished (that will be very hard to do also)? It is going to $uck no matter what I do.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I have had the same question in my head for some days and in fact I posted it in my thread and got some answers there. Perhaps you can use these to something.
At the moment my stand is that I won’t help. I do not think I will be able to handle it well, I don’t feel like helping her since it is her project and I don’t want her to move. …but it is for sure a difficult question!
Some of the answers I got (in short)
Originally Posted By: Adinva
She's a grown person and should not need her husband's help to make a budget to leave the family. You do not have to help with that. You have enough to do to figure out how you are going to move on without her. It was nice of you to offer to help, but that sounds like a landmine and emotionally difficult for you. You can be nice but suggest that isn't really your role and you don't feel comfortable working on that with her right now. If you can handle it, well it is nice of you and validating that you accept what she's doing, so it could be argued both ways.
Originally Posted By: T1000
Whether you help or not she will do it with or without you, if she asks I would do it with the thought in the back of your head that you are doing this to show how strong you are as a person and you will get your wife back one day.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Some say help the WAW with her move out plans, while others say not to help her with anything. IJMO, I believe you should tell her you aren't comfortable in assisting her to leave the R.
I know this isn’t much help since it seems there are a lot of opinions in the area. This is about you, what you feel like and what you can handle! Don’t think about her or D – focus on you and how your action will make you feel and decide accordingly to this.
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Whether you help or not is up to you, there doesn't seem to be a rule on here one way or the other. If you think you can help and it will help you look better in any way towards W then maybe do it. If it's going to be too hard or you think you might look like your aiding her in leaving then don't.
I helped W when she first left and then even hired a van and helped her move all her stuff a few weeks later. I acted 'as if'. I don't think it did me any harm. I knew somehow that I would be able to hold it together. The hardest part was the feeling of emptiness afterwards not the actual move itself. That is there whether you help or not. I also wanted to make sure it was right for the kids.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
She and her mom moved all her stuff (light weight) and she asked that I not be at the house. Then me and my friends moved furniture to her moms. Worked out pretty good all things considering.
Me:34 W:26 Together:5yrs M:6/4/11 1st bomb 11/11 2nd bomb 1/21/13 W files for D 3/18/13 She's living with her mom S:13 Previous marriage S:11 Previous marriage She has OM Previous FWB
Everyone thanks for the help. I guess I will know the answer when the time comes. Right know, I am leaning toward helping. Not sure why.
I agree that the emptiness of the house will be what is most difficult.
I know that she will file after she moves out because she told me so. Many times she has said that if she leaves and leases an apartment and divides the finances, buys more furniture, etc then she she is going to file soon.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Grizz, When my W moved out, I offered to help. She said no, she would do it. Granted it was just cloths and whatnot. So I let her do it.
For me it felt right to offer, even though it hurt.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
When my W moved, I calmly explained to her that I wished she would stay to work on our M, I support her, but could not help her move. She was very understanding. I took D away for the weekend and tried to (not completely successful) focus just on her and I.
She might change her mind before she files. She might change her mind after, but before the D is final. Don't allow worrying about this take you off your DB course, Grizz. Bust on like you have been. You have to, for you and your kids. Stay strong and consistent.
A lot of the time the WAS wants to be independent. I'd not help with the move unless she asks. She's a big girl making big girl choices, right?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
. You dont know for sure if or when will file until she does, right?