New to this ...

[steveh27]

Thanks SM34: Your right I have found a diff strength. It's odd, but I now have some clarity of what caused our immediate situation. I know I own a lot of why this happened, but I didnt make the choices for her.

We'll after our discussion of her telling me, I obviously flipped out. I know this other married person she has feelings for and their family since our kids play on the same soccer team. She said in 2 months she tried to forget her feelings for him. She also said nothing progressed past talking, but I just dont understand how you can make a decision like that with the limited time they had to see one another. I was just beside myself with hurt and anger and sadness. At 11:30pm I said I'm calling this other person, and then she flipped out trying to stop me. Our kids were sleeping and I know they heard some of the commotion, even if we were trying to keep it down. I went to the basement and she followed me there making sure I wouldnt call. I calmed down and we went back to bed, but I was still stewing about it and decided to text him. My W was concerned about waking his family, and at that point I was like, f that, you guys are looking to destroy 2 families and your worried now!!!! So I sent "Be prepared to talk tomorrow - for my W's sake I'm sparing you tonight". I was pissed at the time and I told my wife to leave the bedroom - go downstairs and sleep or something. She went with some anger of her own, probably over me texting him.

So now I can't sleep, so after my W said this started only 2 months ago I decided to check the phone logs. I see calls back to beg of January almost 4 months. Now my W handles alot of calls from the teams parents as she is the manager for scheduling and finances so its possible they are legitimate, but at that time I went downstairs to ask her, and she said she is completely telling the truth about everything. I want to believe her, but at that point my trust is already pretty damaged. I say I need an answer right now about fixing this or not. She says she doesnt know, but if I force her into an answer, it's no. I was still angry so I said then we need to tell our kids tomorrow and move forward with this. She pleaded for me not to run her through the mud with the kids.

Tomorrow rolls around and I decide to take a couple days off for my own mental health. I drop my D9 off at school and I get a call from the OM wife. The OM had apparently told her after I texted him last night and they have been talking all night. She said he is not going anywhere and he is not looking to break up any family. He still loves her and they are going to fix their marriage. They agreed that he will no longer see or talk to her. Ugh. This oddly makes me feel good and sad at the same time. I am so hurt and angry that my emotions can't comprehend much at this point. The OM texted me after and said he would talk to me but is hashing out things with his W this morning and is sorry and promises he will go no where near my W. I dont know how normal this is, but we are all good people for the most part, so I appreciated this.

I go back to the house and my W tells me she's going out to give me space and dont do anything stupid. Im not sure how to take that, but I say I'm more than fine right now and I'm concerned your making the wrong decisions because this guy may not be on the same page. She spins around and says "what do you mean by that". I say I'm legitimately concerned about your well being and we need to talk to someone together about dealing with this for our family. She doesnt say much and leaves. That morning I notice she takes her phone off our bill because I got an email about it. I get a text later from her saying that we need to talk about how to handle the kids. I didnt answer. She sends another one later saying can we please talk before talking with them. I said sure.

She comes homes and I tell her I have no intentions of hurting my kids or the family anymore over this, and we are in no place right now emotionally even deciding anything or certainly talking to them. She is relieved and thanks me?!? - like I would ever do anything but that. I am looking to ultimately spare them any pain, but it might not be possible. I also say the OM's wife called me. She gets angry about me being controlling and accuses me of calling her and I assure her that she called me and also what her husband promised to his wife. This sets her off even worse and storms out of the room. She cools down and comes back to talk. I do not see this as controlling but confronting an issue that shouldn't have happened anyway. She is really hung up mentioned controlling right now because I do have these issues that Ive mentioned in previous posts but this was her trying to justify in my opinion.

Had to take son to soccer practice, and I mention it to her because my D13 had to go to her soccer practice and gave her a choice. She says apparently she is forbidden to go to soccer now, and I said thats not true, you can make your own choices. She said you take him. BTW, the other W will have words with her at some point and she may know that now. So she may just be avoiding.

This morning we had an ok talk. I went to her and said "We are both having some immense struggles with this, I am really angry and hurt but I dont want us to make this worse. I just want to have a happy home for our kids right now." Her answer was emotional and said "Im sorry, Im sorry I disappointed you". I didnt know how to answer that either. So I said "I am disappointed and I had always held you on a moral pedestal, but I'm sorry I didnt hold you as high when it came to dealing with my feelings and the way you felt treated. I take much of the blame for your decision, but it was still your decision to do it this way." We said a couple of other things and my D9 walked in, she said I'll call you after dropping D9 off at school. I said sure because I was on my way to work. She calls and she asked why i was being nice and did I know that the OM called her? I said I wasnt being overly nice, but I wanted to just make peace for now and get through this without creating a bad home environment. And yes I knew he was going to eventually call you because he promised me he would. She said so you know what he said then, and I said, I know what he promised he would say. She said he did not want to break up 2 families and that he could no longer see or talk to anymore. At that point I was feeling for her in some weird way and I paused and said "I know this is very hard for both of us in different ways, but I wouldnt be human if I didnt say Im sorry your hurting. Right now I just want us to figure out how to move forward which ever path that is." And she said she had to go and I agreed because I was late for work.

She had her counselling session this morning and she called me after. It started off ok but then went downhill. She said that it is most likely over and the therapist said the changes I have made in the short period of time are skeptical and she is 100% positive we would most likely be back to where we were shortly. Great. This may be great advice for her, but this was my fear of having separate therapists. She reluctantly agreed to see someone together, but said no way is she staying around for 6 mo. to see how it turns out. This one got me pretty good.

It seems my W is not even the same person I knew for 17 years, everything she believed in morally seems to be forgotten. She said to me "why can't I just be happy for once - why cant i do something for me, instead everyone else in this family seems to be happy". I didn't know how to answer that one. I know I haven't been overly happy for awhile, but thought that was more just life happening around me and dealing with the blows.