Served

[dorightman]

So W asked me to go see her T next week. She said he's more "traditional".
I'am expecting to get ransacked. Anybody have any suggestions as to how I should handle it?
Should I try to prepare for it?

[Papa4Life]

I think that in sandi's 37 rules she mentions that if you go to T together, that she will probably lay a lot of blame on you and vent her anger, and that your job is to allow her to keep the focus on her and to listen and validate. The time for you to bring up your issues with her will come later (maybe much later).

I'd say just to take responsibilty for and own your mistakes and try to validate her in any way you can.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[MrBond]

IMHO your C wasn't inappropriate. That's his job.

He just said that he saw how the two of you changed and how "in his opinion" things could be worked out. If you were seeing a regular physical doctor, he would tell you if you were getting better and what the next course of treatment would be. It's the same thing.

"and have been trying to get W to read them, but she says she doesn't have time to read until the summer when she's off work. This is frustrating for me."

You're still trying to control her. Why would she want to read about love when she doesn't love you?

"I continue to tell myself to be patient when I feel frustrated and want to give up!"

That has always been your problem. The expectations. You have to stop having expectations.

"I really want to move back into my house, but she says she's not comfortable with that. She said if I did, she may have to move out with the kids and that would be harder and more expensive then the way things are now.

My biggest worry is that she is cake eating."

You moved back the last time and turned into a basketcase. You have alot of trust to earn back. When you massaged her and she made that comment, just shrug and tell her that you just don't like to see her in pain. Then walk away. Cool and collected.

"I'am confused about whether my loving/giving actions will cause her to not make any changes"

Again, you can't force her to make changes. These changes are for you and to be a better man. You can't keep expecting her to do the same. She wrote a VERY detailed message to you about this. But you still think that she should be changing just because you are.

"I don't want to be a doormat."

Seriously? It seems to me she just enjoys the peace. In fact, I think after the way you acted before you moved out, you are lucky that she sticks around when you are with the kids.

[dorightman]

Thx bond. You're right about the expectations. I do need to drop them. And I do need to give more time and space, be more patient.

It's hard sometimes to keep a pma around her. I'm confused whether to give w a hug or not when I see her or when I leave the house to say goodbye.
I really want to, but I have conflicting emotions about it. Any advice you can give about that?

[MrBond]

See how things go. When you two leave each other, does she go in to hug you? Or you could go and just lean in and give her a QUICK hug, then whistle away. Quick, clean and cool.