Struggling and need help #2

[reachingHigher]

Idk CB but wouldn't say anything to W about it. You sound like I was...desperate for info and even to wanting to include friends who might "know more" about her where her heart is.

Just think....bringing it up won't fix her obsession. You've got to let it burn out on it's own, for it to really fix itself. Finding out more about it, or hoping she will confess to you and get over it, I don't think will work.

The caution on including friends is spot on. Use friends as a support for YOU. I wouldn't use any friends for info as a window on to how she is feeling, no matter how tempting that is.

I used to lie awake in bed going through our mutual friends in my head hoping to come across one I could use to help me. I was too afraid to mess up a sitch already going down the pooper so I didn't call anyone till much later.

I ended up finally calling a family friend in January, after H had said to delay the D. I used convo's with this friend only a couple of times as support for ME, to hear DBing things -- be yourself, hold to your boundaries, you're a prize and remember that, etc. I did my best not to ask prying things (did he sleep with anyone else to your knowledge, etc....things like that). You have to preserve these friendships for everyone's sake for later on.

You don't want W to feel you're getting to chummy with her friend either.

Idk, CB. You have to let go thinking about tat-boy. Concentrate on some other things and be careful in MC.

I'm in MC now too and I'm really worried to bring up too many of my concerns too soon while H is getting used to coming back. It's a real trick balancing on this tight rope, for sure!

[CharlieBrown]

Part of what is heartbreaking about this is that day when she was in XYZ city, she called me at about 3:30 and told me how much she loved me, that I was in all her plans about moving to XYZ city, etc. I came away from that call feeling very warm and positive about our progress. Then, just a couple hours later, she is IMing tat-boy. WTF? Completely unraveled all the positives I have been feeling in the past couple weeks and has made me question everything that has seemed to be better since C.

For example, maybe her meds are to help sooth her guilt over the EA/fantasy?

[ForeverYoung]

She confused CB, she doesn't know what she really wants right now. That's why it's so important that you show a strong and confident, even happy CB that she would be a fool to leave. Focus on your life. What do you want? (besides her of course!) Make it happen. Let her follow you. I know it's hard, but it's the only way.

[reachingHigher]

CB, that emotional swing back and forth is one of the reasons this is called a roller coaster. You have a ride up....followed by a ride down that gives you a funny feeling in your gut! Sound familiar?

I eventually accepted that any positive communication with my H would be immediately followed by a withdrawal or more replay activities. I never could figure it out it....just tried to accept it. They want distance from us. It just is the way it IS.

It doesn't hurt less knowing this, but you don't feel blindsided each time. So...hence the IM with tatboy following your connecting convo. Look at it this way....at least you have some connection with her! That IS positive for you. Then do the things like FY suggests above -- strong and confident YOU... focusing on your life. (I still need to daily say this advice to myself. It's SO hard to do. But it works.)