Ugh. W best friend emailed me today, then we ended up talking. She is sick about "the alien that looks like her friend" and wanted to see how I thought things were going. In the course of this, she brought up tat-boy and said that W called her after having a few too many when she was in the city she wants us to move, and that she told her she pm'd tat-boy on FB. So, she is really upset "What is she doing?!!!" kind of stuff. Her theory is that W is being so blatant that maybe she is waiting for me to call her on it. I told her I have been advised not to, or I might push her more in that direction. She is convinced tat-boy is a fantasy, but she is playing with gasoline while juggling torches. I told her my main concern is that she come clean, that I will listen and love W, but that she needs to be the one to bring it up to me. But, honestly, I don't know how much longer I can hold out and not say something.
Oh, and she agreed to go to therapy Thursday after I brought it up.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
From what your W's friend told you, tat-boy remains just a fantasy. Your W likely pm'd tat-boy on a whim. He may not even know her and who knows, if he has some fanboy page, he probably gets propositions all the time. And further, I'd put guesses that if he's still married to his W, that he remains faithful to his W.
It would be a wonder that your W somehow would rank on his list of trophy's, if he has any. Considering she was at his city and apparently he did not succumb to her charm, then.
Continue to leave it alone, CB. She needs to come to her own realization that he is just a fantasy she is stalking. Or you risk her blaming you for her fantasy not becoming a reality and she will remain stuck.
Thanks KD. Because she did mention to her best friend, who is sick about all this, is going to ask her. Her friend is very concerned about her and knows how dangerous this fantasy is, and that if she doesn't own up to it, our therapy and everything she is saying is a lie. But, I am not going to bring it up. I believe that friend will ask her about it and stress how she needs to open up to me about it, either one on one or in therapy. I think there is a good chance she will not, but at least she will know that her big secret is not such a big secret.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Had a revalation last night. For several months W has been losing her hair. Went to Dr. and received shots to the three specific spots and was told that this is alopecia and stress is a major cause. She has talked about the stress of thinking of what a move would do to the kids, and about me needing to get a new job. My revalation was that while this may be there in the background, the real stress is likely the tat-boy fanstasy and the secrecy. She was raised right and is stressed out because she knows how wrong and dangerous this is.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Best to NOT handle it...let it go, ignore it, etc.
W is going to have to learn "the hard way" (friends noticing, etc)...as I learned in my sitch, the hard way.
Most mlc'ers have a need to try to see things through, if you interfere, YOU are the bad guy/parent even MORE so, you will be blamed for her unhappiness and give her all the more ammo to run...
This is where the old saying "Be right or be happy" comes to play a bit.
Yes, it is "wrong", but not to HER, in her current state of mind.
If you push this, and try to get her to stop because it is wrong, etc, I think you will probably push her harder to tat-boy, or a new one, or few...There is no shortage of predators out there who will play a woman/man in crisis, ever heard the saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"? There is a whole sub-culture devoted to it...
Tat-boy is a symptom, not a cause....go after/focus on the cause, CB, the cause...if you had a terrible disease, would you want the doctors to cure the cause, even if more difficult and painful and take longer, or just treat the symptoms so you feel a little better right now?
I and IC stopped my W's 1st EA (well, OM DID help a lot by just being his a-hole self, but....) in phase 1...phase 2 has been sooo much worse, and more damaging...I highly recommend dropping the tat-boy obsession and let it play out, and die a natural death.
And also be very careful who you pull into this...friends, family can mean well, but can/will be viewed negatively, very negatively, by W, adding more fuel to her need to run...yur mileage may vary....
STAY OUT OF HER WAY. STAY OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY!
I've been here, CB, and done this, it is harder than h3ll, I get that...but take what works for you...
Hang in there, let tat-boy go, for YOU. He is not worth any time in your head, and your obsessing on it only saps your strength and YOUR working on you and being the man only a fool would leave... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thank you T, I feel the intensity of your pain coming through your email and it makes me feel that you feel mine and understand (as so many here do).
Question. In this case, her friend sent me a long email yesterday, which I answered and ultimately it ended up as a phone call. She brought up her tat-boy concerns and it was her who told me W called her last weekend after too much wine and told her she has contacted (IM and texted) tat-boy. She is seeing W to discuss everything else and feels that she has to bring it up since W called her last weekend and it is making her sick. They have been friends for 25 years and W opens up to her and listens to her in a way she doesn't even to me. We have discussed this in therapy as it is not good generally, but in this case, could this help? She isn't bringing it up that I asked her to, but in the context of "You called me last weekend, I already know all this other stuff about your obsession with tat-boy, don't bs me, what is up."
I think that might help, your thoughts?
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Unfortunately, you cannot control what her friend does or says regarding your W's fantasy. That is why it is really important for you to be hands off, on this.
It is possible that your W will blame YOU, regardless. If your W's friend name drops you in convo with your W, regarding tat-boy, your W will STILL blame you.
Keep yourself distanced in regards to tat-boy and have no convo regarding tat-boy with anyone except here and possibly an IC (that your W is not privy of). Work yourself through this concern of yours, independent of working on the M.
Thing is, there are likely few people who do not have any romantic fantasies. Just that people would not generally act on them or speak them out loud. Once the fantasy is over, it is over and really has no bearing on the M.
My stbx had very definite fantasies regarding a young gas jockey about 4 years ago. I don't know how deep that fantasy was, but it certainly was there. Eventually, that fantasy ended. I have no idea if she dreamt of sleeping with said (teen) gas jockey and it really does not matter. Would not have mattered, even if we would have stayed M.
It is her fantasy that is likely to blow up in her face. Keep letting it go and work on yourself.
If GF feels the need to bring it up on her own, you can't stop her. I don't think it will help, W will dump her too if she feels pressure from her. If GF airs her concern and then drops it, it might not hurt things... too much. Getting others to pull for you never seems to end well.
Certainly don't put your hopes in this basket CB.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks KD, I understand and appreciate your feedback. Need to process it.
Our C does know and has told me to chill out. I was doing ok, until she was looking at pictures of him Saturday night, and until her friend contacted me yesterday with the fresh info on contacting him. That, plus her lackadasical attitude towards MC this week has shaken me up.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
